be careful what you wish for

I prayed for peace and joy and stillness, and once again, i opened my big fat mouth. Christmas Eve a blizzard hit, a real live blizzard. It was unreal. I held the phone outside so my Mom could hear the ice hitting the house and the blowing snow.

She was snug and warm in sunny California. We had a nice visit. I sent my love to all my family that was gathering in Modesto at my nieces home for dinner. I also had a house full.

I am so grateful for the kindness of strangers, and the men Ben works with. He left work in the middle of the blizzard Christmas Eve and was trying to get home, when he hit an ice patch, and slid into a ditch. An elderly couple invited him in, and put him in front of their fireplace, and offered him coffee and goodies. His friend from work with a major 4-wheel drive came and got him, and drove him all the way home.

They had to stop twice during the 20 mile drive to thaw out the windshield wipers. This same man, shuttled men back and forth to work all week-end. Pulled Bens' car out of the ditch Saturday, after he and another man used shovels to dig it out...

We had all our children home, we were safe and warm, we were unable to attend midnight mass, but we sang Christmas Carols, read stories and had a wonderful time. We were unable to attend Mass on Sunday, and today, we finally were able to get the van out.

Ben took Friday, off, and Andrew was unable to get to work, we had Kyle and Timmi home on Christmas, until the road crews came through, and they were able to drive the 7 miles to her parents.

All in all, we had a wonderful Christmas. Yes, there was an entire list of things I never did finish, but the most important things, they were all here...and yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...Kyle said he saw him...while he was carrying things in...

in the stillness

I am trying to live out my scripture for the year, but i have run into a roadblock, its called Christmas. Christmas ought to be the perfect time for stillness. Wait upon the lord, we spent the 4 weeks of Advent waiting...now i feel not still, not at peace. I feel like the chicken whos' head has been chopped off , and i am running in circles looking for my head.


The house is not clean....the laundry is so far behind...all the long trips to the heart hospital have affected my schedule at home...Everything looks like i have been gone for days on end...

Perhaps my heart isn't in it.. i have been so exhausted, and stressed, the worry takes a toll on me...i had hoped for a defenitive answer this week, not the answer we received.

Ben is going to have more tests, this time they are sending him to a neurologist. They know his blood pressure is bottoming out, and there is a disconnect between his brain and body..

He is really frustrated and angry right now....He is still having the episodes of dizziness and confusion. He is angry because people know, and they all offer their pet theory...

I need to wrap gifts, clean house, and laundry, cook dinner, decorate the tables, be cheerful, and act like nothing is wrong, and some how take time to rest today. one thing about midnight mass that i hate, it's at midnight, and i want to go to sleep. Another thing, it is cold today, very,very cold...so a little prayer for Christmas Eve....dear lord, be with Ben today clear the clouds from his eyes, and help him to see what is real, and what isn't...help me to see that there is no Christmas perfection but you Lord, and this might be the perfect time to hide some laundry until after Christmas. Give me your peace, your strength, your stillness, but most of all your joy, your daughter Kimberly. p.s. Happy Birthday

My beloved, my heart

This week has flown by. Ben and I went to OK City on Monday, he was having some tests performed at the Heart Hospital, and we planned to blitz the stores and do most of our Christmas shopping at the same time.

The shopping went very well, and we had an enjoyable time . The malls and walmart were not crowded during the day, and we really were able to look and shop with out crowds until after 5:00. It was crazy then. We just stopped, went out to eat and relaxed in our hotel room for a while. I wrapped for 8 hours in the course of a day and a half. Did i mention i hate to wrap...

Bens' tests did not go so well. He passed out during the tilt test, and they have diagnosed him with a communication problem between his brain and body. i always knew he was a nut and a half... they also found a "defect" on his stress test. He was originally scheduled for an angioplasty on the 29th, but his episodes are lasting longer and longer, they have moved the procedure to the 21st.

We had originally planned to take Nicole and the family ice skating on Monday for her 14th birthday, but this is quickly becoming urgent. I am going to bake snickerdoodles tomorrow, as she doesn't want a birthday cake, and i am going to conspire with Andrew, Tiffiany, Kyle , Timmi and Ashley to make her day as fun as possible without her Mommy and Daddy.

I just want my husband to be ok, to feel better, to not be afraid of the next episode causing him to black out...it is very frightening...I am praying non-stop for him, and asking everyone i know to pray for him also...25 years together just isn't enough...

Last night he had a very special evening planned for us. He had tickets for us in the orchestra section to watch the Ok City ballet perform the nutcracker suite...It was so beautiful, I loved it..we all dressed up, and watching the girls was pure joy...He took us to dinner at the Art Museum Cafe, and while he didn't disclose the amount, i think we spent more on that one meal, than all year in restaurants...

Life is beautiful, love is contagious, it just multiplies over the years, and i am praying that God will watch over my beloved as he faces this challenge with his health. It comforts me to know people will be praying for him..I will be praying and hoping too.

Happy Birthday Alexandra

Today on the Feast of St. Lucia, we are celebrating the birth of our daughter Alexandra. She was born 3 weeks early, a week before my scheduled c-section in the midst of a horrendous ice storm. I developed pre-eclampsia, and missed a Dr.s appointment due to being trapped by the ice storm, when the highways cleared enough to attempt the trip to OKC, i insisted Ben take me in.

He thought we should sit tight, because i was scheduled to deliver in another week, but i knew something was really wrong with me. I had never felt so strange(ha-ha) in my life.

Bobbi Sue not only insisted i pack my bag, and take it with me, she went with us to my appointment. They took my blood pressure, 4 times with-in 10 minutes, and then my Dr. said you are going straight to the hospital...

I had the most horrendous nurse, she insisted there was nothing really wrong with me, and if i laid completely still, on my left side, they could lower my blood pressure, and i just needed to go home, and stop taking up space for the really sick people...

My dr. ordered the 24 hour urine collection, but my nurse did not bring the equipment in for 6 hours, at shift change she brought it, my Dr. almost had the stroke, she was furious...

Bobbi Sue and the nurse got into an argument, Ben and the nurse got into an argument, my head hurt so bad i couldn't open my eyes or sit up....to the nurses chagrin my Dr. wrote orders to keep me...

They decided to perform my c-section at 8:00 p.m.on the 13th so Dr. Nanda could attend her daughters Christmas program, We called the children, and they were loading up the van to have the family at the hospital before my surgery...

A little before 5:00 2 nurses came running in my room, they started grabbing my i.v., pulled the sides up on my bed and were racing me to the OR. I had no idea what was going on, and I thought they were, at the least nuts, at the worst, had the wrong patient.

It turns out my blood pressure had spiked so high, i was in critical condition, and my surgery had to be performed immediately...

The nurses never prepped me for surgery during the day, so everything was done in the ice cold operating room, in full view of everyone...i was alert enough to be irritated. They gave me a spinal so they could begin immediately, and this was a difficult section. I had significant scar tissue, and it took forever to reach her. She was also very high up and they had to use a vaccum extractor to bring her down far enough to pull her out. My dr. used a new tool, it cut and cauterised at the same time. I almost threw up, from smelling the burning flesh since it was mine...they gave me something for nausea, and after i saw and heard my read screaming dark haired, dark-eyed daughter, they put me completely out...thank God!!!

I rejoice today that we came through the ordeal with no ill effects, she is a happy healthy little girl, I am tired...

Today we celebrate Alexandra Rose with pink cupcakes, dinner, ice cream and punch. She is loved, she is cherised, we are grateful.

12 days before Christmas

With apologies to fans of the Christmas Carol...

On the 1st day before Christmas my true love said to me you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 2nd day before Christmas my true love said to me, we still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 3rd day before Christmas my true love said to me, we have 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 4th day before Christmas my true love said to me, we have 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 5th day before Christmas my true love said to me, you've hid 5 loads of laundry in my closet, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 6th day before Christmas my true love said to me, how did we get 6 dogs, and why does your puppy wear a dress? you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 7th day before Christmas my true love said to me, the children are out of school next week, we have 6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenager, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 8th day before Christmas my true love said to me, give me your Christmas list or there will be nothing for you under the tree, children are out of school,6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 9th day before Christmas my true love said to me...how did we get 9 children!!!8 gifts for christmas, children are out of school, 6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 10th day before Christmas my true love said to me ....you'd better get to wrapping, how did we get 9 children, 8 gifts for Christmas, children are out of school, 6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired mommy...

On the 11th day before Christmas my true love said to me , get up because it's Nikki's birthday,you'd better get to wrapping, how did we get 9 children? 8 gifts for Christmas, the children are out of school, 6 dogs, hid 5 loads of laundry , 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy....

On the 12th day before Christmas my true love said to me , don't panic but there are only 12 shopping days left, and we're traveling in a 15 passenger van, it's Nikkis' birthday, get to wrapping, 9 children, 8 gifts for Christmas, children are out of school, 6 dogs, hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you"re only really tired MOMMY!!!!!

My 12 days of Christmas.

The real 12 days of Christmas start on Christmas Day, and continue until the feast of the Epiphany...the song was used by Catholics during the persecution by Queen Elizabeth in England to celebrate their faith with Christ being the partridge in a pear tree...all the items had hidden religious meaning... i don't mean to be sacreligious, but this came to me in the middle of the night, and i thought it was funny...

Is it today, or is it tomorrow?

Alexandra is going through one of those weird baby things, and got up again at 3:00 a.m. yes, i said 3:00 a.m.. I was about to wrangle her back to sleep when Bens' alarm started going off. Started, because he hits snooze 4 times, and goes back to sleep before he gets up.

I must admit, this makes me nuts. By the time his alarm has gone off 4 times i am AWAKE!!!! and i don't want to be that awake in the wee dark hours of the morning. This time it was my daughter that was running through the house saying bye,bye Daddy...I was so not amused.

I got her back to sleep about 8:30, just in time for Christian to wake up and announce he is starving...absolutely starving..I convinced him to watch cartoons for awhile and let me lay down, but it didn't last long.

I have cooked lunch, and have vegetable beef soup in the crock-pot. Ashley and Nicole will be home about 3:20, i plan to put my pajamas on and go to bed...it has been a very long day...If Ashley tells me she has yet another practice at the Methodist Church tonight, i will cry...i support her sharing her gifts, i really do, but today, i want her to entertain the babies, and i want Nicole to clean the rest of the house, and put away the 5 trillion loads of laundry i folded(can you have a deficit in loads of laundry?) I don't know how somehow who does laundry all the time gets so behind...(the faster i go, the behinder i get).

We are doing seriously educational activities this afternoon. Watching wubzy and eating cheetos. I am waiting for Bens' friend to come by, he went to work on Kyles' car, and he is supposed to get me a Dr. Pepper on the way back....i am surviving, but i really need that Dr. Pepper.

Indiana asked Ashley if she would sing for Midnight Mass, and before she could decline, i said, she'd love to. She is singing o come, o come emmanuel, and what child is this for their Dec. recital on the 19th, and she will sing them for Mass. Nicole is playing God rest ye, merry gentlemen, and a song from the Nutcracker suite..she would rather take a beating than sing in front of anyone..even though she and sings in the same girls choir as Ashley, she will not sing with us. Ashley suggested we sing lo how a rose, ere blooming...because mama sings in the rafters, and thats a rafter kind of song...i asked her what i was supposed to do with Alexandra while we sang, and she said bring her up with us, she loves to sing too...you know what they say about payback...Midnight Mass with all of us, and me singing ,ugh definitely ugh....

oh christmas tree

Alexandra is having a great time with our Christmas Tree. She had a wonderful time decorating it the other night, and undecorating it, and redecorating it...i hope the tree, and my ornaments survive until the Feast of the Epiphany!!

We are still freezing here. We didn't have enough precipitation to snow, but it is seriously cold. Seriously....

I was so stressed out last night over our schedule for the next few weeks, i have decided to write everything down, and get the craziness under control. I hope seeing it doesn't make the panic worse..

decking the halls

Last night we finally put the ornaments on the tree, it was a do or die moment as Christian, Sean and Alexandra were attacking everything on the dining room table. Alexandra was trying to drive the little rocking horse across the floor and play with the miniature stroller. She broke several ornaments while i was trying to put the hooks on them.

I put my delicate ones up high, and turned them loose, after all the children had finished, i snuck back in the dining room and straightened them out. I always balance out the tree, this year i had Nicole help me, and i found out she is as weird as I am.

The girls took pictures of the tree and mantle which they promised to post for me, but i am not holding my breath. I would do it myself, but i remain computer illiterate, and proud of it. They offer to teach me things, and i always refuse. Thats' one of the things i have teenagers for.

Ashley is at rehersal, Nicole is tutoring a friend that fell behind in school while she was out ill. My house looks like a bomb went off in it, with dishes to wash, laundry to fold, and children to bathe, and all my big helpers gone.

I will have to blog another day Connor just spilled a glass of ice water all over my pants, and Alexandra is dancing on my cedar chest stark naked playing her guitar and singing. We have to hunt for hats, scarves and gloves...tomorrows temp. at bus time is estimated to be 11 with windchill it may be below zero...maybe Andrew will just drive them, as Kyle still has my van and I am stranded

just another manic monday

We had a full week-end as usual...the talent show was a lot of fun...the skit the girls were in was so funny, and Ashley did a great job playing the guitar and singing.

The older children were all gone Saturday to Bowlegs for Share the Fun 4h talent competition. Their skit won first place in the Sr. division...and Ashley won first place for her guitar and singing...she was so excited she jumped up and down and waved her arms...then she said it's fine, it's cool, let's face it, i rock...

They will be competing again in a few months at districts for a chance to perform for the OK State 4-H convention this summer...

Ashley, Nicole, Jonathan and Sean have piano lessons this afternoon, and since Kyles' car broke down on Sat., he has my van, so i will have to borrow Andrews' car to get them there...Ben and Kyle are supposed to work on the car tomorrow, and i just hope it is warmer than today, last time i checked it was overcast and drizzling 27 degrees with wind-chill. It is supposed to snow.

We went to grocery store this morning, to buy food for the next week or so, and i hoped to pick up a few gifts, but by the time we bought gas, rxs, and groceries, we are down to 50.00 until the end of the week...having all that money stolen really hurt us..

Dixie Belle and Gus are refusing to go outside, the just sit at the door and cry..kind of like Ben if he has to go out in this kind of weather..Me, i try to stay indoors. With my auto-immune yuck, i can't tolerate the cold and damp..

I am hoping tonight we finish putting the decorations on the Christmas tree. I have everything else done, except the buffet in the dining area, and i keep telling myself simplify, i haven't found a safe place for my nativity set, i have almost come to the conclusion one doesn't exist. i really think a need a little people one so i don't cringe everytime the children go near it. I have had to glue so many peoples head back on over the years.

Ashley has rehersal on Wed. even. with the Methodist church she is going to sing 1st soprano in their Christmas Cantata...our church is having a potluck dinner in honor of Fr. Matthew and Fr. Adrian on Sunday, and i have to figure out to be in 2 places at once in 2 towns 45 miles apart...i hear a big Charlie Brown scream coming on...life is always complicated..

I think i need a nap, i think we will try before the troops come marching in .

Happy Monday...2nd week of Advent Psalm 85 I will hear what God proclaims; the Lord-for he proclaims peace to his people. Our God will come to save Us!...

My Romantic Home

I read a blog occasionally called My Romantic Home. It has a huge following, and i kind of wonder why? The pictures presented are lovely, but i have come to view it at My Empty Home. I have been looking at it for some time, and just couldn't put my finger on it, and then i saw the void...

Everything is beautiful, everything is decorated, and in its place...and with all that stuff in a small environment you wouldn't think it could be so empty...

There is no husband in my romantic home, and only one child ...the void of people and life is filled with decorating and stuff...I think it should be renamed my romantic stuff...

Now don't get me wrong, i think the owner does a lovely job, and for her that's great...i have looked at some of her displays, but i see them through the eyes of a woman that lives with a man, and 7 children still in the home....I see the potential for disaster in large crystal displays...

I know first hand, what a few small children can accidentally do to a display of Christmass ornaments...I also know what a group of teenage boys can do, that chronically have amnesia about playing football indoors with their little brothers...

My romantic home is of a different sort...I have smudges on all lowlying windows and doors, because of little fingers and noses...I have marks on my entryway wallpaper. my sled that sits on my little chest is filled with shatterproof ornaments...my grandmothers ornaments are in the china buffet and on the hutch...above the reach of helping hands...

At my house, if it is low, you had better be able to touch it, or it is gone...

My romantic husband does not care how i decorate the rooms of our home, only that i share it with him...which is why for my frilly heart, he painted our bedroom lilac with sage green trim...and says he loves the ivory down filled comforter...he doesn't object to my white lights hanging off the canopy, or even the ivory and gold canopy cover...i keep the stuff on the surfaces to me a bare minimum, not to stress him out...it is a small price to pay for sharing my bedroom, with my romantic man...I have come to accept that my home will never be a show place, heck, i am doing daily battle with mountains of laundry. more dishes than most people can imagine, and did i mention the dust bunnies, they actually thrive here...but, i do have ahusband that tells me he is blessed, and a passel of happy children....i think i have the better deal here...life with a large family can be messy sometimes, but it is never dull, and i wouldn't change my life for all the decorating perfection in the world.

t,v, land

I have really reached a point where i absolutely despise the t.v. shows marketed for teens and tweens...i have banned so many of them . They are flat out obnoxious. They are all really one show...smart aleck teenager, gets over on stupid clueless adults.

I think they set a bad precedent with the sneaking lying and back-talking...Ben has suggested we get rid of the t.v. programming in the living room, and somedays i agree with him, and somedays, i really want wow, wow, wubzy, or Max and Ruby...we rest when they are on...Christian no longer naps, and Alexandra won't go to sleep if i am reading to him...she loves story time...

I did shut the programming off for 3 months once, so i know we can live without it, i am just not sure i want to...i need to lay down in the afternoon, and i know we could put on a dvd, i have a list on t.v. shows i like, and it seems hypocritical to take out their programming, and keep mine..

perfection

I have been giving Advent and Christmas some thought this week as i navigate the dreaded storage closet that is packed floor to ceiling with my Christmas decorations, and Grandma Jo's and even some from Great-Grandma Erma and my own Grandma....I am the keeper of things....I was in their , and I don't even know how many boxes of Christmas things i have....


I am reading the daily Bible readings for Mass, and then the thought for the day in the Word among us...I have decided to give up something for Advent this year...now i haven't totally lost my mind, I know it isn't lent yet, but i have decided with prayer to try and give up my need for a sense of "perfection" I will still decorate outside, and all rooms downstairs, but i am limiting the number of trees i put up this year....i have also decided to simplify my decorations on the banister, and upstairs...i have put 2 small artificial trees on the landing, with white lights only....i may add ribbon later...i will put a wreath in the upstairs den, but that is it...

I am only decorating the tree in the dining room, and then i will put a tiny one on Alexandras' dresser with my pink frilly decorations...Lukes' ornaments will go on the 2 ft tree on the hearth...i am not going to decorate the sun room except for a wreath and bowl of ornaments on Ashleys' piano...Ben wants me to put his moms' decorations on her piano which we have moved to the living area temporarily, but i can't ...it is too accessible to little hands....

The entire season for me is spent chasing the illusion, that i can do everything...decorate, bake, cook, entertain...it places an enormous amount of pressure on me...and i lose focus of what is the most important message of the season...

Today things are in chaos, the dining room table is covered in boxes of ornaments...i hope to restore order soon...it is very difficult with 2 little ones tugging at you all day long, Alexandra has roseola and screams every time i put her down...I am praying she recovers soon...I am also praying for the grace of simplicity...show me Lord where i need to cut back...maybe we will only bake a few different cookies instead of a dozen....there has to be a way to give my children a sense of the festivity without killing myself....i have the reputation of a fantastic cook and baker, is it my vanity that causes me to do too much, i can't blame it on Jo, she has been gone 10 years...

I will try to sort this all out, and while my soul needs simplicity, i am pulled in so many directions..2 basketball games tonight, 4-h talent show and bake auction friday, share the fun sat. , sun. Mass, and the feast of St. Nicholas...i am supposed to bake 8 items for tomorrow all with a screaming baby in my arms...it saps my energy and peace...

Todays' St. Francis Xavier said" It is not the actual physical exertion that counts toward a mans' progress, nor the nature of the task, but the spirit of faith with which it is undertaken...todays psalm..118 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good his mercy endures forever...It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man...I think i need to sit down and read todays scripture again, maybe this time it will sink in better...

Ashley asked me to help her with an arrangement including People look East, Veniti Adoremous and O Come all ye Faithful...for the Dec. recital ...maybe this is where we need to start...

Happy Birthday Christian

Nov. 30, 2005, I was admitted at 5:00 am at Baptist Hospital in OKC for a scheduled c-section, i was absolutely terrified. The memories of my 1st c-section were just too fresh in my mind.

It had only been a year since Papas' death, and i had been planning on naming my new baby boy Morgan Ray for him...2 days before he was born, i told Ben, i don't think his name is Morgan. We changed it to Christian Joseph...

He was born 3 weeks before his due date, and he was so beautiful...blond hair, blue eyes, such a sweet baby...my great niece Braelyn was born 1 yr. ago and they share a birthday...i have children the same ages as my 2 older nieces...that is the fun of being in a large family, plenty of love to go around...

Christian had a family party last night, his god-parents Fred and Indiana were over, plus Billie, and Bobbie, and their daughters...it is always a full house at our house...

Alexandra is trying to steal his new cowboy boots and cell phone, she doesn't care about the bat-man or other gifts, but those boots and that phone...she keeps telling Christian me boots, me phone...he just isn't buying it... oh well, her birthday is in less than 2 weeks, and then the boot will literally be on the other leg..

Happy 4th Birthday Christian , you are a very special little boy, and such a blessing to us all!!!I love you~mama

adventures in advent land

Today is the official kick-off to the season of Advent...the children repeated the same fairy tale several times. They asked it is the end of Thanksgiving weekenem where is our Christmas Tree?

I have decided to slow down my time frame, entryway, advent candle wreath,and the fireplace and mantle...I am going to decorate the dining room , and kitchen dining room tomorrow,but i am not sure where we will put our trees....

I vaguely recall a crazy woman who did all her decorating over thanksgiving and the next week started baking....I am no longer that girl, i don't want to be so rushed , so pulled, i am now making an effot to be still among the craziness...

We begin with the first hymn, andJer 33:14-16...we begin to wait...I am trying to do one room at a time, and tie it in with my fireplace theme of white, bule, silver and gold,it should be interesting and over the top.

I want all light inplace and ready to go on the great reveal...the feast of S. Lucy her birthday.....every little girl should be surrounded by christmas lights....advent

crazy okies

My children are so weird, not that, that would be a surprise to anyone, but sometimes they puzzle even me. Take chocolate gravy for instance, one of my favorite treats from childhood, and they think it is gross...

Seriously, how can chocolate ever be gross? I made biscuits and chocolate gravy this morning, and their friends sucked them up, my children ate biscuits with butter and jam...no gravy, not a drop...even Alexandra refused to eat it...I really don't think it has anything to do with my gravy skills, i ate it no problem...

How can you not like chocolate gravy? and while i am ranting, the store in town has been sold out of Dr. Pepper, and all coke products since Wed. stupid deer hunters buy your Dr. Pepper in your own town, and leave mine alone!!!!

Yesterday, after work Ben went to Wal-Mart(the wal-mart as it is known in OK) to pick up a few things, and i said bring me a Dr. Pepper, I am suffering from withdrawal...not a single bottle in the whole bleeping store, what is it with okies and Dr. Pepper anyway?????

I told him to go to Sonic after work, and bring me a huge Dr. Pepper before it gets ugly around here!@!!

a bomb went off

A bomb went off in my house...there was a massive explosion...it is called children, family, celebrating...today Nicole and I are going to try to repair some of the damage.

We plan to put all the china and silver away...wash the tablecloths and napkins, and if we have the energy we will put away the fall decorations, and "halloween" as Lola calls all the pumpkins that...

I have lost the advent wreath once again, and resigned myself to make a new one...before Sunday, the 1st Sunday of Advent... no pressure...none at all....

My evergreen tree was struck by lightning a while back, so i have to harvest one side only as the other is black...i am sending the boys out with Lola in the wagon to hunt pinecones...an excuse, but i don't want her climbing up in the chairs with me to put the china in the buffet, be still my heart...

I am ready to start singing Advent Hymns...O Come, O Come Emmanuel...People Look East...and my all time favorite...See How the Virgin Waits for Him...

A Tucker Thanksgiving

We had our dinner Wed. evening. Andrew and Tiffiany made the mashed potatoes, and a blueberry pie. Kyle and Timmi showed up, almost on time, only 3 hours after they said they would be here.

I am thinking about getting my 2 eldest sons watches with remote control alarms(surely such things exist). They are both chronically time challenged. It all worked out, it seems i am a little time challenged myself, and the turkey and i were not on the same schedule, so it didn't come out of the roaster when i thought it would..all's well that ends well...

We had a lovely dinner, my husband is a smart man and always brags on the beauty, and cooking skills of his wife, he is a charmer that one...he liked the outfit i had on, and literally chased me through the house, into the bedroom, and locked the door...We had a terrible argument on tues. , and he wanted to uh...kiss, and make up...at least nothing got burnt...

That's how dinner got off schedule, the children were all outside playing baseball, and the parents were acting like grown-ups sort of...

I like it when there is a lot of fun and laughter along with the meals, i am not so wild about them telling stories on the crazy things their mother has done, but it is all in fun, and i really didn't throw the pie at Ben, i just threw the pie...that was the last time he criticized the top crust of one of my pies!!!!(i was 9 months pregnant at the time, and he should have known better)

The only bad thing that happened was shortly before dinner, Christian laid down on the couch, and said i don't feel well, then her turned over and started vomiting...we cleaned him up, and then the fever started...he hasn't thrown up since last night, but he is still running a fever, and i am praying this doesn't hit all of us...

Alexandra behaved like a horrendous awful beast last night, probably all the excitement, and no nap...she slept for less than an hour, then got up about 10:00 and kicked and screamed until 3:00 in the morning...i finally stuck her in her crib at 2:00, and listened to her cry the last hour standing outside her room( i just kept expecting her to dive out of her crib)

Christian woke up crying about 3:30, so i didn't go to sleep until after 4:00, about the time Ben got up, and staggered off to work...i am so grateful he only had to work 4 hours instead of 12...we watched the parade, and vowed not to get out of bed for the rest of the day(like that really works).

We still have a very sick little boy, and a very, very naughty little girl, the rest of the children are hanging in there, and i haven't been puked on for hours...I am tired, and she is tired, i am going to try getting her to bed now, and if she doesn't go to sleep, i will just put her in her bed...Ashley is not going near her tonight that girl is so crazy, and i am starting to think she is contagious...

In the midst of all the craziness today, i went outside in the sunshine with my baby girl, and while she played(yelled pull meme lola in the wagon) i thanked God for all the blessings in my life..big ones and little ones...Thank you for family and friends, love and laughter...the grace of being born in this country, my Lord and Saviour...my beloved husband, all our dear children, and thank you Lord, for my life...

Now to go wrastle the baby, i'd like to see some of those pro's go 10 rounds with her...she'd win a tko first round no problem...Yesterday, it was 9 rounds baby 1 round Mama, i am praying tonight will be better...

who thought this was a good idea

We are officially on Thanksgiving countdown. Ashley asked this morning if i had my holiday bible out yet, i wasn't sure what she meant, and she said it is my menu and notes down to what time to put things in the oven, what time to take them out, and the temps. Even things like gravy, green beans, rolls and corn make the list.

I finally had to explain, in detail i make notes like that, because so much is going on, and if it is written down in front of me, i don't have to think....just do....

Ben took Connor, Jonathan, Sean Patrick and Christian to the movies today, while Ashley, Nicole, Alexandra and i stayed home and baked, i am not entirely sure that is fair, and next year, i am volunteering for the movie detail...

We have on our list for today, 2 pumpkin pies, 2 pecan pies, 1 coca-cola cake, 3 loaves of pumpkin bread, 2 loaves of cinnamon bread, 2 loaves of banana bread, 8 mini-loaves of apple bread, an assortment of mini muffins, 1 large pan of cornbread in order to make the cornbread dressing, cherry jello w/min-marshmallows, and sweet potato casserole with pecan/brown sugar topping....i feel fat already...

Actually, i never over-eat on the holidays, because by the time i have cooked everything, and been in the kitchen for days, i am too tired to chew....i don't even care if i eat ....

I went with Ben to the cardiologist yesterday, and we have to go back in 2 weeks...for more tests...anyway, i am behind on cleaning, and i am going to try to get the tables set-up tonight..

I am stuck because Ben wanted eggs for breakfast this morning, and now i am short, and have to wait for them to get back to finish baking!!!!!!!!!i might even say the s word as Christian calls it(shut-up).

I think i am getting irritable, because Ashley suggested i open a bottle of wine....i was okay until people asked what i was cooking for dinner...i strongly suggest left-overs or p.b.andj.

Maybe next year i will go to the movies, and we'll have pizza for Thanksgiving Dinner...

It is so weird to me, that we are having our big dinner tomorrow, but as Ben, Andrew, and Tiffiany have to work Thurs. on 3 different shifts, it just seemed easier. On Thurs. i am not getting out of bed at all, i am going to watch the parade, and just lay there.....

HONESTLY, WE ARE WORKING

I KNOW, I KNOW, I AM SUPPOSED TO BE CATCHING UP ON 3 DAYS WORTH OF LAUNDRY, FLOORS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN SWEPT IN A WEEK DUST BUNNIES RUNNING AMUCK, BUT I AM LOOKING AT PICTURES WITH MY BABY.

AS YOU CAN SHE, SHE PUT CAP LOCKS ON, AND I CAN'T DISENGAGE IT...I ALSO PUT A LOAD OF LAUNDRY IN THE WASHING MACHINE, AND FORGOT TO TURN IT ON...IT TOOK ME AN HOUR TO FIND THAT...WE HAVE 4 LOADS TO FOLD AND, MY LIST HAS US ON THANKSGIVING COUNT DOWN...

TO MAKE IT REALLY EXCITING, THE CHILDREN ARE OUT OF SCHOOL AT 2:00, AND WILL BE HOME UNTIL NOV. 30...AT LEAST NICOLE CAN FIX THE COMPUTER FOR ME...THANK GOD FOR NICOLE, SHE SAID SHE WILL COOK SUPPER TONIGHT, AND FOLD THE LAUNDRY WHICH I DIDN'T DO..

SHE JUST INFORMED ME, THAT SHE, CONNOR AND ASHLEY HAVE REGIONAL ACADEMIC COMPETITION, THEY WILL BE GONE ALL DAY...AND NEED MONEY TO EAT ON ALL DAY...WE HAVE ALREADY SPENT 60.00 THIS WEEK ON EXTRAS' AND I STILL HAVE A FEW ITEMS TO PURCHASE FOR NEXT WEEK, PLUS JUST FOOD TO FEED THE LOCUSTS(MY BELOVED HUNGRY CHILDREN)...BEN IS GOING TO HAVE A CONNIPTION...AND I HAVE TO GO SHOPPING WITH JONATHAN 10, SEAN PATRICK 6, CHRISTIAN 3 AND MISS MEME LOLA 23 MONTHS...SAINTS IN HEAVEN PRESERVE ME...

I ALSO HAVE TO DROP ALL MY THINGS AT THE CONSIGNMENT SHOP....LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH...AND A GLASS OF WINE WOULDN'T HURT...

no peace

My life is officially over, not only can Alexandra climb every counter and cabinet in this house(think Sound of Music/Climb every Mountain)that's the background music playing in my head...she can now open every door in the house(I keep front,back and side doors locked)...I can't keep her out of my room, the bathrooms...anything downstairs, she now has access to...got to go Christian is screaming Alla is on the cabinet, and she has the hot water running...He said i told Alla to turn turn it off, and she said No!

I walked in the bathroom, and she said Hi Mommy!!!

drat that puzzle

We have been down with terrible colds, i succumbed thanks to Christian and his need to be on top of me all the time, coughing and snotting all-over me...my yuck triggered a migraine that has lasted for 3 days...i am starting to feel human again, and while i am still not dressed today, i think i am going to live. My dear husband who has never had a migraine thought i was insane for putting the corn sacks on my face and head, covering my eyes and refusing to get up... don't you want to come in for dinner? NO!!!@!!!!~!!!!!!!! like i said he has never had a migraine...

The lights, the noise, the smells of food cooking, all sent me running for the covers literally.

Last night, around midnight, i started thinking i was going to live, and i decided, i was starving. I snuck into the kitchen, and not wanting to make any noise and alert the sleeping hordes(my children) i settled for frosted flakes..i was on my way back to my room with my booty when it happened...i walked past Alexandras' farm-time puzzle, and it mooed at me...

There i am sneaking around in the dark, with my frosted flakes, and a puzzle mooing at me, so not fair...just because i had a bowl of cereal in one hand, and the bag of frosted flakes in the other...

a sucker by any other name

This morning things were going along pretty smoothly, nothing exciting going on, Alexandra was still asleep, Christian was helping me drink my coffee, and Ben had left for his Dr. appt.

My story is a little convoluted, but i have to back track in order to make sense. Last week, we went to the bank, and our little bank still passes out suckers, and doggie treats through the drive-through, or inside you can pick out a candy... i put 2 suckers in my purse and told the babies we could have them after lunch. Our next stop was the gas station that has the bbq pit, and we had bbq sandwiches, and the little ones had chicken strips for lunch. I forgot all about the suckers, and so did they, or so i thought.

Ben left my purse down this morning, and Christian must have remembered his sucker, I was in the bathroom sorting out laundry, I was in there for a few minutes, and when i came out i saw the strangest thing.

My bed was covered in unwrapped tampons, and Christian was sitting in the middle of them eating his sucker...he had unwrapped 6 before he decided he was in the wrong compartment and found his sucker...Lord, give me strength, my sense of humor is intact, it's my mind i worry about...

in here, i'm hiding

It has been a very hectic day, my clock says 12:09, my body says bedtime...It started out okay,but i should rephrase that, because at my house normal is not normal.

Christian got up and went to the bathroom, i stripped my bed, then Alexandra went in the bathroom, then Christian yelled help Mom, the toliet is spitting water at us...now i don't know about you, but i get totally freaked out if the toliet is behaving like a volcano. With fear and trembling i peeked into the bathroom and sure enough the toliet gods were angry, very angry...there was enough toliet paper to sink a small ship and water everywhere, i mean everywhere...

I stuck the screaming babies in the shower, turned off the water, ran to the other bathroom to retrieve the dirty towels i had already hauled to the laundry room to try to stop the flood. 20 minutes later the mess is cleaned up, the towels are in the washing machine, i strip the flood ravaged children, and we all get in the shower...

Then Christian asks why do you shave your legs, you don't have a beard on them, i think thats' weird...it probably is weird, i never really thought about it, it is just something girls do.

Ben finally got my frantic phone message, and proceeded to speak to me in tongues...plumber talk, it went something like this...take the top off the overflow, if nothing happens then this is wrong, if something happens then this is wrong, and if something else happens then it is something else altogether....are you kidding me, i just cleaned all that up showered 2 children and got out of the shower myself, i am not angering the toliet god and risking the water volcano again....he said or, you can wait til i get home, and i will figure it out...option 2 it is.....

I thought things had calmed down, and Christian wanted breakfast again, and i didn't care if they ate cereal again, so we did. My first mistake was thinking we would play nice, and then maybe do a few chores, eat something we could call lunch and take a nap...I switched the laundry and asked Christian where the baby was? In there, I look in the dining room, no baby, i start calling her, she says in here mama, i look in her room, under her crib, under the iron bed, i call her again, she says in here mama, i look in the closet, under the kitchen table, in the pantry , no baby, i call her again, i can't find you, where are you? in here mama, i'm hiding...then it dawns on me, her voice is coming through the open dining room window and not the house. She was on the front porch hiding in her favorite spot, sitting on the fresh hay, in the puppies barrel...

I asked Christian why he unlocked the storm door, and he said the little puppies wanted in, and Alla wanted out. I reminded him, I keep the storm door locked so Alla can't get out...I breathed a sigh of relief, my baby thought we were playing hide and go seek...

I so need a nap after this....now if the toliet will just behave until Benjamin comes home....

a new day

The sun is hiding behind some very gray clouds this morning, and the wind is really blowing out of the north, i poked my nose out the door just to wave one last time as the little ones walked down the drive-way to meet their bus.

You can see it is cold by their body language heads tucked down from the wind, shoulders pulled in, i don't think their sweat jackets are adequate defense this morning...Oklahoma is like that, huge weather shifts day to day, sometimes hour to hour...

The wind is attacking the last hangers on, and i watch my leaves drift and dance their way to the ground, i will miss them when they are gone. The stark beauty of naked trees only appeals to me for a short time, and then i long for leaves, and buds...i guess by the time one season has become well established i am ready for the next...

Mr. Mcknights flag looks so beautiful, it is standing straight out and the wind is gentle moving it, the colors really stand out with the black naked pecan trees behind it..i found out i do have pecans after all on my favorite tree, but unless the wind brings them down, the only one that will enjoy them is the crows.

The bus is coming i see my children pick up their bookbags and then out of the corner of my eye i see something, my heart stops for a moment and i hold my breath, dear Lord no, protect them angels of heaven, running down the side of the high-way i see little heads tucked into their jacket hoods bobbing behind the cars as they try to catch the bus. The cars are all stopped, but they are so small and don't even know what danger they are in as they try to catch the bus...i am praying please God keep them safe, let Alex see them, and then he does...my children are all safely on-board and still he waits...the last little straggler is safely inside , i see the door close, and the bus begins to move on toward school...I breathe a sigh of relief and my heart beat returns to normal...

My focus goes back to the beauty around me, and i thank God for the childrens' safety, both mine, and my neighbors, and i wonder were they even aware how much danger they were in?

An extra prayer this morning, goes out...Dear God watch over all the little ones, that don't have someone watching over them...they need extra protection...watch over mine as they go about their school day...watch over Ashley and Dylan on the bus ride to the State Championship, watch over Ashley as she takes pictures of the game for yearbook, watch over Dylan as he plays football tonight, bring them both safely home,watch over Kyle, Timmi, and James as they go to school this morning, watch over Andrew and Tiffiany as they eat breakfast and head off to bed, watch over Ben as he goes about his day, please don't let it be anything serious. I know he is afraid, and watch over the 2 babies still asleep in my bed....

I think I will go join them, it looks very warm under those blankets...

Fruit

I missed Connor and Nicoles' 1st Basketball game Monday night. The girls lost, and the boys won. I had to attend the school board meeting to discuss the pamphlets distributed after the meet you at the pole event in September.

I really hate attending school board meetings, because they tend to be long-winded an hour and a half...I will if necessary..Fr. Adrian met us there, and addressed the school board first...he talked about prayer, and that the event was supposed to be non-denominational and unify the students as they put away religous differences and just prayed with each other...he also told the school board we were not opposed to prayer in any way, just the pamphlets...

The school board and i had received the same letter from the woman who was behind the distribution, and she had sent a threatening letter to the school, and down-loaded a packet from the American Center of Law and Justice that she thought supported her actions...once i put the fire out of my hair and re-read the packet, i did what anyone who has listened to the group on the radio for years, and been on their e-mail list would do, i called them....

They wanted to see the pamphlets, as did the Catholic League...I really don't have the time or energy to devote my life to this battle, but some things you just have to do whether you like it or not...

The school board ruled that no pamphlets of any kind can be passed out on school grounds without prior approval of the school board...the superintendant told me, he thought this was just the beginning, and we would have on-going problems...i tend to agree as the 3 letters i have received have been a little over the top...this woman, has wrapped her-self in the flag, constitution, and bible all at the same time, and seems un-able to admit she may have used poor judgement in distributing the anti-catholic pamphlets at school...

I did ask the pastor of the baptist church to provide the school board members with copies of the all the pamphlets his church had purchased...they were fresh out...luckily the superintendant kept our copies and brought them for all the people to read...they were shocked and disgusted by the ugliness, one board member apologised to us for having our children exposed to them...

I keep reminding myself of the fruits of the Holy Spirit...I know it will all work out, I just need to focus on Gods' word and leave in his hands...i don't know what has happened in this womans' life she thinks she is just telling people about Jesus, and she can pass out anything she wants even on school property...i contend she can tell anyone and everyone about Jesus, but if you don't show it in your actions, everything you say will fall on deaf ears...she thinks she has had a religous breakthrough, i wonder if she has had some sort of breakdown...her actions don't seem to reflect the fruits of the Spirit...I hope mine will...

The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are wisdom,understanding,counsel, fortitude,knowledge,piety, fear of the Lord, and 3 theological virtues are faith, hope and love...lord grant me these gifts, and also the grace for forgiveness...please help me to remember to pray before speaking....and my hair is already auburn i don't need it on fire...

On a happier note tonight Connor and Nicole have another home game, and i am planning to attend...I have been up since 3:00 with sick children it would not be a good time for her to confront me again...i tend to have less patience when i am exhausted...i better pray before i go...

older mom, new tricks

As the mommy of 9 children, it would seem like we are seasoned in the art of mommyhood. We might even be considered experts to the untrained eye. I know very little for certain, but life, experience and children have taught me a few lessons...

God has the ultimate sense of humor, and he sends little people into our lives to test our patience our growth and our sense of humor....things that would have really upset me 20 years ago, barely rate a raise eyebrow today.

Sometimes, I have been accused of becoming complacent, and not taking life as serious as i used too. Kyle observes Sean, who behaves so much like he did as a little boy, and says he literally gets away with too much. I will admit me perspective on life, and childhood were changed by Lukes' death, the loss of Seans' twin brother, and almost losing my life and Seans at the same time. I am not the same untested mother i was all those years ago, and i think we are supposed to be changed by experience.

Kyle says i would have beat him half to death, for behaving like Sean, and did on occassion chase him around the house with a shoe or a broom..

I have threatened to just beat the tar out of Kyle because Alexandra behaves so much like her older brother, it is wired into her...and i am not going to beat her...

God has given me the opportunity to watch my grown sons interact with siblings that are almost 20 years younger, and they adore each other. I have some pretty wild children, and i always thought i was a pretty together mom...i have completely admitted defeat on the whole potty training adventure with Alexandra...i have met my match...every trick i have learned in the past 22 years of childrearing, she has a new trick, one i have never even seen before...

God has been gracious and funny in the gift of my youngest daughter...she has done things no one else has ever done...we will not forget her baby-hood or as some people would imagine the children are all lumped into 1 type or personality, and i can honestly say she is the first child to announce to me, when i went to investigate her disapearing into my bedroom, and shutting my door behind her... oh look Mama, I booped on your shoe!!! and sure enough, she had...

I am quite certain God had quite a chuckle over that one...or her latest...she gets in trouble if she tells mama no...I say don't tell mama no, so now, she shakes her finger at me and says don't tell mama no, when she and i both know she is telling mama no....

I may have a few wrinkles around me eyes, and laugh lines that didn't exist when Andrew and Kyle were babies, but thanks be to God there is still laughter, joy and babies in my home...

what time is it anyway?

Alexandra did not get the flu when everyone else was sick, but i guess we had too much going on this weekend for her. We went to Wanda and Bobs' for popcorn balls, and the kids rode on his train...we went to the school indian taco dinner, and the children played the carnival games at school.

Sunday, Nicole, Connor and I went to Mass, and then Mon. night we took the family to the All Souls Mass. tues. , Bobbie Sue kept the little ones while i went to the Dr.s office. It seems i had some abnormal test results, and Dr. Barlow wanted to rerun my tests...

Yesterday, my little girl seemed"off" last night she coughed and screamed from 9:30 to 4:00. We went to sleep sometime around then, and she slept fitfully until about 11:00. Christian and I sat on the bed with her to watch her breathe. By noon she seemed more herself and hit the ground running. She has recovered much better than i have.... We are all still in our pajamas. It is only 1:00 in the afternoon, in 2 hours we have had breakfast, and lunch, i broke out the Dr. Pepper, and i am about to take my baby crawl back onto my bed with a bunch of books and eat some chocolate....If i can hold out until the children get home, i can even take a shower before i take off my pajamas today, and then it will be time to start cooking dinner....

Maybe Nicole will take pity on me, and cook tonight. i could use someone to take pity on me....Alexandra was brutal last night...or was that this morning , i have lost track....

kids these days

While I was running back and forth between timers, Christian opened the closet door to play hide & go seek with Alexandra. She removed the poles to the badminton set, and whacked him a good one.

I hear the shrieking and put down my cupcakes and head off in search of the noise. I really could have just stayed in the kitchen as Christian was headed to me. Screaming at the top of his lungs with real tears. I asked where are you hurt baby, he keeps crying , show mommy, he points to the living room, he cries even harder...Please Chrissy i need you to use your words, and tell me where she hit you...he continues to sob, Alexandra is also screaming, because i relieved her of the badminton poles...finally, he takes a deep breath, and i say again, use your words and tell me where she hit you, he sobs again and says in the living room....

Okay....i guess thats a new one...back to the cupcakes, and trying to keep my daughter from eating my lipstick, i have no idea how she managed to get ahold of that...at this rate, i will need 2 Dr. Peppers today..

Boomer Sooner

We had a crazy day yesterday, now i know i have said this before, but i really mean it...a severe thunderstorm rolled through our area and had sirens going off everywhere as tornandos were spotted on the ground...

We had lightning strike the ground south of the house, and knock out our telephone, t.v. ,internet, and the power was off 5 different times. I was standing by the kitchen widow when the next 2 strikes hit our pine tree and blew a transformer on the power line. I about jumped on top of the counter it scared me so badly.

When the storm finally subsided, we were in the dark, with no phone, so we put our mud boots on and waded through about 6 inches of water or more to Andrews house. He was without power also, so he and Tiff drove to Johnsons 5 mile to use their cell phones and contact the Power company, phone company and Ben. It took 3 trips by the phone repairman to get everything up and running again, they had to send a crew out from the power company to repair the transformer, and Andrew had to buy me a DR. Pepper to help with my nerves. Ben brought me chocolate when he came home from work...he was afraid i was in the celllar with the babies in the middle of a tornado...

Things were pretty well normal by 4:00, and thats when i discovered Jonathan was missing. Now the school bus drove past the house without stopping, and the superintendant drove by with the kids, so between 2 repair crews and the normal craziness, it took me 20 minutes to figure out Jonathan wasn't answering me because he wasn't home...He stayed at school for 4-H, but my note said it was cancelled, i sent Andrew off to look for him, just as he drove up with a friends family...I need to do my roots, these kids are going to give me gray hair....

Last night was a home football game, and all the big kids went. Ben and I stayed home and carved pumpkins with the 3 little ones..tonight is the fall carnival at school, it is the main fund raiser for most of the classes. They will have food, games, bingo, the kids can wear costumes, it is a big deal in our little town. I still have to make 2 desserts for the senior dinner.

Tomorrow night is the Holy Fest at New Life church, and we always take the children there instead of trick or treating. It is safe, and a lot of fun for everybody. Ashley is having a movie night after 8:00 with her friends, so more cooking is on the schedule...I always make chili, hot apple cider, and donuts..Christian has requested chocolate cupcakes with worms, so i guess thats' on the menu too. I plan to sit in my bed tomorrow night with all the younger children drink hot apple cider, steal the really yummy chocolate out of their bags, and watch Young Frankenstein...

My timer has buzzed, so i have switch the laundry and check the cupcakes...
Have a great fall week-end and Happy Halloween...Sunday we celebrate All Saints Day...
Many prayers for the faithful departed...

The end of the season

Connors' last football game of the season was tonight in Weleetka. We drove the 45minutes to watch him play. I had only made 2 other games due to my health and the flu epidemic we have had.

It was a beautiful night, Christian and I kept watching the sky for dark. The sky went from shades of turquoise to blue then finally black. Christian said look Mama you can finally see the dark. I asked how could he see the dark? and he answered because of the moon.

The boys made some good plays, but were just out-played and lost their final game.

I will not be sorry to see football end this year, as basketball season is right around the corner and Jonathan played his first game on Monday. It will be interesting with Dylan playing for the High School, Nicole and Connor playing for Jr. High 2 different teams of course, and then Jonathan playing. Sean Patrick will even have a couple of games this year, because Oklahoma is a crazy sport state and they take them very seriously...

This is red ribbon week at school. They dress up in some crazy theme each day, and then wear red drug free ribbons...even the druggies, i find that odd...

Nicole and I had a conversation about pajama day, she asked if i would wear my pajamas to school if i was her, and i said no, i think that wearing pajamas to school would be immodest. She said she thought so too, and just wore her jeans. The boys who don't technically wear pajamas wore their t-shirts and long shorts they sleep in...I am glad Nicole chose not to wear her pajamas to school, I am glad she has a sense of modesty, and at almost 14 asks me is this shirt too low, do i need a shirt under it, she is very aware of how the boys in her class spend their free time trying to look down the low slung shirts of her classmates...

So are we just the weird ones, or is this whole idea of wearing your pajamas to school immodest and down-right strange?

those rockin' Tuckers

I went outside for a few minutes for some fresh(frigid ) air and some peace and quiet...the leaves are all changing and such beautiful vivid colors...i can look west and see nothing but beautiful trees with leaves in every color imaginable, and the bluest sky...it was so brilliant.

I had about 2 minutes of quiet before they all noticed i was missing and came hunting me...so like a trooper i helped chase the puppies, tried to catch the chickens, and then we all lent a hand with dinner. Dylan made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, Nicole and Ben made Potato Soup and I baked the bread (well, i put the ingredients in the bread maker) that sort of counts...

Kyle and Timmi were over, Tony stopped in, Andrew and Tiffiany said hello, and then Kyle brought out his new game system...The rock band Beatles edition...Benjamin is a huge Beatles fan, and since dinner was over Kyle, Timmi, Ashley, Jonathan, Connor, and anyone else that cared to try have been playing the instruments and singing their hearts out...it is a school night, and bed-time, and the dinner dishes aren't done yet...but the crazy Tucker clan is eating cookies and rocking out..

I have no eye-hand co-ordination so i am in the cheering section...they are all having a blast...Kyle can really sing well, I hadn't heard him sing so much in a while...the down-side the boys want one for Christmas, but Ashley she has really rocked the drums...She plays guitar, and piano and has taken voice for years also, when she finished with the drums she turned to her daddy with drumsticks clutched in her fist and yelled, i've got to get me some of these...they rock!!!!

I think we are in for a very loud holiday!!!I am glad they all love music, and playing together, i may have to invest in ear plugs though...you would think i am oblivious to noise with so many people in our house, but sometimes, it makes me nervous.

threats or promises

My Dr. called from the hosp. Sat. morning, she had checked on my lab work, and called to tell me i was very sick. She told me to stay in bed and drink....gatorade, cranberry juice and water...no dr. pepper, that probably lets out margaritas too, but i didn't have the nerve to ask....

I feel a little better today, i just get so tired , so fast...i am going to follow orders this time, as she threatened to stick me in the hospital because i am so sick...she and i both know i am not going...the hospital is full of sick people....she said i don't take care of myself....

I did remind her it is a little hard to focus on yourself when you have a 3 year old with the flu, and a 22 month old as entertaining as my Alexandra....then you just start adding in the other children, and things really get out of hand....rest is not something that comes easy for mommies...

i really hate this gatorade....i would much rather drink the banned dr. pepper....

no rest for the weary

It is only 11:00 here, and i am ready for bed. It is so cold and windy, i had to turn the heater on. Alexandra has been going at full speed since Connor woke her at 6:30, that in my book is a major offense.

My kidney infection hasn't cleared, and i know i am running a fever,but an annonymous boy broke my digital thermometer, and the old mercury one said my temp. was 106??? I know that is wrong....I am going to get a stack of books, and see if i can convince my daughter to sit at read them with me...

Heres dreaming of socks, warm sweats, feather pillows, and my comforter....the reality will be somewhat different....At least Ashley is supposed to bring us lunch from the little store...maybe she'll bring chocolate

only a moment

I only turned my back for a moment, honest, it was just long enough to walk from the laundry room to my hamper, and back, and in that short amount of time my dear Alexandra dumped her drink inside the washing machine on top of her clothes....

I am going to hide in my closet and drink Dr. Pepper and eat copious amounts of chocolate....

all in the name of Jesus?

Our little community has been divided the past month over the actions taken by 1 family, at this years See you at the flag pole prayer ...This well known and respected woman in our community attended the prayer service which is supposed to be non-denominational, and student led...

Afterwards, her daughter passed out 3 pamphlets to all the school students attending the function, which was on school grounds. These pamphlets were outrageous. One was anti-religon. Any organized religon was the wrong religon. Orthodoxy, Catholicism, Judaism, and Islam were all mocked by characatures of their faith. The 2nd pamphlet was you only know Jesus, if you know Jesus, the way we say you should know Jesus, otherwise you need to repent or you are going to Hell...The last pamphlet was a mockery of a catholic priest, and distorted and misrepresented catholic teaching to such an offensive degree i will not name the organization. The end of the story shows the catholic priest repenting of all his lies and evil ways and leaving with the bible believing missionary to learn all about Jesus.....

My 17 year old daughter came home from school with these 3 pamphlets, and several friends all of them were very upset by the content...while the other students were not catholic, many of them have attended church with us over the years, and were angry at the mockery made of catholic belief...I asked my daughter if she wanted me to call the school, and go see the superintendent...she told me Mama, i am an adult in the church, a confirmed catholic, and i will go see the superintendant and tell him how i feel, and how this affects me, and my siblings .

I did suggest that Ashley seek guidance from Fr. Adrian, as i was certain he had seen this type of thing before. He told her, welcome to the persecuted church... and encouraged her to speak to the superintendant about this matter...

The school received many, many complaints regarding these pamphlets, most of them from other christians. There are only 4 catholic families in our area, and we are definitely in the minority. My children, are the only catholic children in the school, but we are not supposed to feel targeted by these pamphlets...

The Superintendant called me after the school board meeting, and let me know what action they are going to take...it has been assumed by many in the community, that i led the protest, however, i wasn't involved, it was my daughter. The prayer service is now on probation, and all the local churches will be notified by letter, from the school board that no pamphlets will be passed out on school grounds, and if it happens again they will ban the service...

The woman responsible is furious that i would find any of this offensive, that i would take something important away from the children, that i would involve the school, and she only wants the children to know Jesus, and she lived in Italy, and all the catholics she knew, didn't know Jesus.

What she fails to realize is that she brought the school officials in when she had her daughter pass out the pamphlets at school. She has not been placed in a postion of authority by God to determine who knows Jesus and who doesn't. Any catholic and many christians would find the pamphlets offensive, because they were intended to be offensive!!!!!

My children have heard a variety of comments the past month. The most common, is from students who have no religous affiliation, the unchurched shall we say, they say, I don't know what i believe, but i am a christian, at least i am not a catholic....

One of Ashleys' classmates begged her not to read them, because she said they were full of lies, another boy ripped his up, and said i have known you since pre-k, and i know these are not what you believe...there are many students however, that don't know anything about what catholic christians believe, and will accept the pamphlets as true because the cartoon said so...

This church has many opportunities for evangelization in the community, and if they wanted to just reach the students about Jesus, why the anti-catholic rhetoric? My family and I did not feel like they were just reaching out to the community, the lady wrote and told me that she holds me and my children in the highest regard and loves all of us, but, we do not feel loved, or accepted.

I have been invited to learn about theBible, and attend womens Bible study at the church that purchased the pamphlets. I have written to decline the invitation, not that i would not find a Bible study on Proverbs 31, and Titus 2 beneficial, but i could not pretend to be in communion or fellowship with women who felt the material was appropriate and acceptable...

I am hurt, I am angry, but I am not the one who decides who is a christian, and who isn't. I am not the authority that decides who knows Jesus, and who really doesn't. I am a sinner, I sin, I am of the belief that tomorrow is always another chance to turn your eyes toward the lord, and brush yourself off ...God didn't put me here decide who is a believer and who is not living like they are supposed to. I will live my vocation to the best of my ability , and with Gods' help i will receive the Grace I need to presevere...

I still owe her a reply to the 2 letters she sent me, but I am waiting until the children are over the flu, i have slept more than an hour or so, and until my hair stops standing straight up....I want to respond in a calm, christian manner, not how my human ,irish-catholic flesh would be tempted to respond with ire and sarcasm...

Lord, Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner....

fall break

Fall Break is officially over, and everyone is back to school. The weather is cool and crisp, and the leaves are changing. We have been checking the trees for pecans, and i think it is going to be a spotty year for pecans.

We had planned an outing , but due to the interuption of the flu, all outings were cancelled. We did make it to the grocery store, the dr.s office, and the pharmacy, be still my heart....i am so glad the children are all on the mend...Nicole still has a cold, Christian is having sinus problems, and Alexandra, well Alexandra is just a whirlwind...

Kyle and Timmi have been engaged for over a year now, and we met with her parents and the lovebirds, to hear the wedding plans. Her mother is very excited about planning a wedding, and they have a lot of ideas...

They have set the date for June 18,2010, Timmi wants a small outdoor ceremony, and she and Kyle would like to use the Mission grounds with the reception at the church hall. Fr. Adrian said weddings were to take place in the church, and so they are looking for a compromise of taking their vows earlier in the evening, in the church with the families present, and then repeating the vows and nuptual blessing on the mission grounds at twi-light.

I know where Fr. Adrian is coming from, and yet, i understand Kyle and Timmi wanting to use the old Mission grounds, it would be a beautiful setting for an outdoor wedding...I hope they are able to find a compromise....The church view of marriage as a sacrament, means it needs to take place in the church, but i am optimistic that Kyle and Timmis' idea is doable.

Timmis' Mom asked me if i thought it would be agreeable to Fr. Adrian, and i said it seems like a reasonable compromise to me, but i learned a long time ago, not to even pretend to know or understand what priests think, because like all men, we don't think alike,and priests don't really live in this world, their whole vocation is getting us to live our vocations, and look toward heaven, so they do live with a different perspective on life.

As a wife, and mother, i try to live my vocation, but i will admit to having myself distracted by one foot in the dirty laundry, dishes, dust, and cooking, the other distraction lots of children, lately, lots of sick children, my prayer life has been, " oh lord, get me through this, and keep me vertical...not very deep....

Fr. Phillip told me, every dirty diaper, and runny nose, dirty dish, etc. is a sacrifice, and in many ways a prayer...it is living a vocation of service, i hope he is right, and this all counts as prayer otherwise, i am seriously behind....

update

We are in the trenches with the flu battle. Ashley has had a terrible time , but she got up today for the first time in days, she was out of bed. Connor is showing signs of improvement. Jonathan and Sean Patrick are feeling so much better i have been tempted to lasso them, and tie them to a chair. Between the fighting, and running laps through the house, i am completely mental.

The flu got Ben yesterday, and he insisted he had never had the flu in his life, i told him, there is always a first time...

Kyle is on fall break as are the children, and he picked up Nicole and Christian who aren't sick and took them to Timmis'. The tami-flu seems to have helped as 4 of us have not come down with it.

To be frank, i would rather deal with 9 sick children, than 1 sick husband....and so, we pray for healing, and patience, and probably forgiveness for all the things we have thought in the past week, even if we didn't actually say them.

faster than the speed of light

The rumor mill in our little town was working overtime once again. A few months ago, i went to the health department. I saw 4 different women i was acquainted with, and i guess a few who knew me, that i didn't know..

Tiffiany ran into one of the women at school who inquired about my health as she hadn't seen me in months, and wanted to know my due date, if we knew the sex of the baby yet, the usual thing. Tiff told her Mom isn't pregnant, and the lady replied, yes she is, i saw her at the health department.

Andrew, Tiffiany and Ashley decided an intervention was in order, and Andrew would talk to Dad, and the girls would talk to me, they all knew i had been very sick over the summer, but didn't believe i would hide something like a new baby from them.

Ben and I both, assured them i am not now pregnant, nor was i pregnant when they saw me. I start showing 5 minutes after i conceive, it is not something i could hide. I assured them, i would tell them first if there was anything to tell. I guess people just expect me to be pregnant because i usually am...

sleep is for the weak

The house was finally silent except for my t.v. , i was trying to get comfortable, and find something to watch. In strolls young master Tucker. He was very matter of fact when he announced Mama, do you know it is dark everywhere and people are sleeping. Yes, their guardian angels lulled them off, but that doesn't explain you, why are you awake...

I have 3 secrets for you Mama, but i can only tell them if i lay at the back of your bed . Christian crawls in grabs a pillow, and proceeds to make himself comfortable. the first secret,i love you mama...the second secret i want a big black batman like Andrews' with real wings for my birthday(Andrew is 21)but, the third and final secret , was the biggest secret of all, and we had to take special precautions. Christian said mama, before i tell you this secret, you have to get down here, and put the blanket over your head, i am intrigued, i crawl down beside my beautiful little son with blond,silken curls, and huge blue eyes for the final secret will you sing the wubzy song with me before i go to sleep, its our favorite show...So in my quiet still house you could hear 2 muffled voices with their heads under the blankets singing wow wow wubzy...wubzy wubzy wow wow...He went to sleep a few minutes later, his head on my pillow,rolled up in my comforter with visions of wubzy dancing in his head while his crazy mama sang the tune for him...
Goodnight sweet prince....mama loves you....

are we really going to look like pigs?

Like all good things must come to an end, my water joy was usurped Sat. afternoon when Jonathan began running a temp. of 102. Like any paroanoid mother, i said, don't touch anyone, don't breathe on anyone, do not pick up either baby..Ashley was the second the go down, Sunday, i fell like a bus had run over me, but with fibromyalgia, freezing weather, and sick children, like all mommies, i drag myself out of bed, and just do it...

This morning the fever hit me....the dr. God bless her, worked 5 of us in, and peeked at Alexandra just to make sure she wasn't ill. I went in the office to sign in, and had everyone wait in the car, because dr.s offices are full of germs and sick people.

It is now official, we have 3 children down with hini, and bronchiitis, they put all of the children and me on Tamiflu, that is 8 at 45.00 per person, plus 4 antibiotics, i am officially broke. I am not entirely convinced i shouldn't have just bought a bottle of whiskey and made hot toddies for everyone, at least someone might have slept then, and the pharmacy tech, said well honey, if it doesn't work, you may not even care...

I bet they would put you in jail for giving hot toddies these days....Oh, i didn't have the flu, just a massive kidney infection...the stress levels in the house are terrible, half the family is sick, Sean Patrick needs an exorcism, he was so happy to go to school this morning, he told me Nicole and I are just getting on his nerves. Ben and i are fighting over nothing, and everything, he was annoyed because Alexandra was"reading" a magazine, and kind of destroying it, and i let her. He said why don't you make her stop, and i said i want her to be quiet and entertained more than i want the magazine, and he thought i was a nutcase.

The truth is i am nuts, when you have been cooped up as long as i have been with sick, and or crying children somethings just don't matter, and i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this time Rachel Ray, you just don't matter....and i am not giving up Dr. Pepper or chocolate until this over.

blessings

I am praying blessings today for all the men who worked 2 days in the rain and mud and cold to restore water to all of us on the rural line . We had the first trickle of water about 10:00p.m. , and i threw in the first load of laundry at 11:30. I did 2 loads last night, and have 3 done so far. You see, it is entirely possible the lines may start running red mud so i have to watch and wash very carefully.

Everyone is asleep, and i am waiting on the coffee to brew before i go crawl back in bed with Christian and Alexandra. Ben is at work, but it is another one of those cold, cloudy crawl back into bed days. It is on 37 degrees plus wind....i call that winter

At least we don't have to haul water today, anyday we don't have to haul water is a good day. The odd thing is, that hauling water for some people is just part of their daily survival...the hunt for clean water a daily chore...how spoiled we are, thank you god for allowing me to be born in this country where my daily blessings are more than many women can even imagine....

I saw a really yummy pumpkin cake recipe in my new southern living magazine, i am going to fix as a dessert tonight to celebrate our water, and i am going to apologize for threatening to quit. I never really meant to quit, i was just blowing off steam, but after Lee said some Moms really do quit, and the toll it takes on their children, i know it is not something i should joke about, but hiding behind the chicken coop, or locking myself in my room that is fair game...

I quit

Today was a horrendous day, it was one of those calgon take me away days, it started the moment Sean Patricks' blessed little feet hit the floor this morning, and kept on going. His next move was to wake up Christian(Boo Bear) and Alexandra because he needed company don't ya know, then they all informed me as i tried to hide under my comforter, that they needed breakfast, and i needed to get up...

Now it is not like, i wasn't up with a sniffly baby until 1:00a.m. I was upstairs at 3:00a.m. checking on Nicole, and then Alexandra woke up a few minutes later, I think i surrendered around 4:00 and just stuck the wailing baby in bed with me...

Ben, Ashley and the boys went to the High School football game last night to watch Dylan play. Sasakwa won, but they were caught in the torrential downpour, and everyone came home soaked. I had one sick girl in bed and 2 other teenagers unconcious, oblivious, you pick the word to the whole running through the downstairs at top speed whooping and hollering like a pack of i don't even know what, while i am trying to focus my eyes...

We did manage to wash dishes today, by boiling the rain water i collected in containers all around the house, and we have been able to flush toliets by filling the tanks with rain water, but all good things come to an end, and if they don't fix this by tomorrow, the children and i won't be able to stay home. I have farmed out Connor,Dylan and Jonathtan,but that still leaves a whole lot of people relying on buckets of rainwater...

We did no laundry today, but Nicole did comment, it was much harder to do everything with no water, because even washing your hands was a chore, and then we are using sanitizer on top of that as we have no hot water...Ben is bringing some drinking water home as we are down to our last gallon of tap water that i collected before the tanks ran dry...

My little ones were unable to go outside and burn off any energy, and have spent a lot of time in time-out, seperated, in the corner, and on the couch...they have been talked to,prayed over and even spanked to no avail...they are crazy...and i am even crazier...

Connor has a spider bite, oh and his arm is infected, and needs to be soaked every few hours in hot salt water...but we have no water....he is on an antibiotic as it looks like a poisonous bite...and is going to spend the next few days at his friends house...

I told my dear husband i have absolutely had it, and i quit, i give up, i am calling in crazy, this job does not pay enough...he laughed at me, and said, it has been a really rough day for you...yes it has, to make it worse Ashleys' friend said i couldn't quit without giving 2 weeks notice, and terrible things happen to children when Moms quit.....

Ouch! so i guess i am not quitting, i am not going to work tomorrow, i have too much to do here, but my beloved is buying paper plates, and bribing me with chocolate and chinese food...we can only hold out til tomorrow without some water reinforcements...

I don't want to go to Bobbis' this time, they have had the hini flu, and i am afraid to go to Grannys' as anything we might have would be amplified for a lady in her 80's i honestly don't know where we will go, but i do know that i have run out of panties for the baby, and am extremely grateful right now for pull-ups.

I am dreaming of a steaming hot bubble bath and my slippers(which are half washed in the washing machine) i know these little things are sent to try us, but i must confess that today i have failed miserably, and the only thing i am going to quit is whining....i may cry, but i won't whine....

water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink

We are in the middle of day 2 of our water crisis. We still have no water. Last night we had just enough water to shower, but today, there is absolutely nothing but air coming out of the taps.

I am praying Abe finds the dreaded water leak and gets our water lines back up ;and running. It was annoying yesterday, but today with the children out of school, it is down right dreadful. We are boiling water i collected from the torrential downstorm last night, otherwise known as rain to wash 2 days worth of dishes.

If we run out of buckets of rain water, we will have to collect water from the pond to flush toliets, oh joy, i don't want to have to do that again. Did i forget to mention the temperature has dropped about 40 degrees , and we haven't turned the pilot lights back on the wind is swirling out of the north, and we all think we are freezing to death.

To just make everything perfect, we have done no laundry at all in the last two days, none, we are out of towels, today is bedding day, but i decided to postpone it until we have water, why look at all those sheets unnecessarily?

It is one of those miserable winter days that makes you want to crawl under the covers with a good book, unfortunately, if i crawl under the covers, half the children are coming with me....the squirming, wiggling ones. Nicole has been sick for a week, so she would gladly get back in bed with me, but i am afraid of catching what she has. I have had her in semi-quarintine for a week.

Ashley wants to invite her friend Lee over to visit, Dylan wants to take a shower(ha) I want a nap, Alexandra wants a drink, we all want something. My puppies don't want to go outside, it is not chihuahua weather. I did tell Dylan he could brave the wind and weather, and take a dip in the pond.

Rumor has it, that the seminole nation will begin bringing drinking water in tomorrow, if the problem isn't resolved, and turn on their water at the hall for us to haul water home. Life is always an adventure on the prairie, we are still pioneers, it is just not everyday, that we know it. We have had sporadic electrical service for the last week due to horrible storms, and now this adventure.

I know how to collect rain-water, I know how to wash dishes with-out running water, I can cook over a camp stove when we have no electricity, and have survived weeks with no power during ice storms, by keeping my fireplace going bundling up kids in bed together, and cooking in my fireplace, the worst thing, though is no water. I am not tackling this laundry, I am not hauling it to the next town to wash it, so for now, we wait....

Please Abe, I am praying for you, fix our water , the entire rural water route, is praying for you, find the leak, fix the leak, get the tower back pumping water....we are all so desperate.....we really don't want to play pioneer for another day, we want to turn on the taps, and have all that lovely hot water run out...we want to flush toliets, and not have to refill the tanks with buckets, we don't want to play crazy house on the prairie any more....

the list

I was straightening up the misc. stuff Ben pulls out of his pocket every day after work, and leaves by the bathroom sink. You know, the kind of stuff men have in their pockets, change, receipts, hard candy, just stuff, paper, and then this list caught my eye. It had about a dozen items listed on it, but they were kind of strange.

The first item listed was Kims' health, some other things were missing money, work you know I won't list everything he had down, but after i read it, and pondered what in the heck is this, I finally took it out to him, and asked him what the heck is this?

He told me, there is so much going on, and too much stuff in his head(don't i know the feeling) he just couldn't get it all sorted out, so he wrote everything down to try to make some sort of progress with the growing list of concerns.

I asked why i was at the top of the list, and he told me, because i give so little thought to my health, that my health worries him to death. He said without you being well, our home can't function, everything is crazy, i can't do what you do, i don't even know how to begin to do what you do , half of the things we need to do are in your head, and nobody else knows them. You worry me to death, because we need you, and you don't care enough about yourself to put it first. I need you, and i need you to be healthy as possible.

I started to blow him off, because that is what i do, and then i looked at me husband of 25 years, and saw, the real fear and concern in his eyes. I have made the mistake of putting myself, and my health last, thinking i was doing it for my family, when really by not putting my health as a priority, i am not taking care of my family. He wants me well, and he wants our family to function as smoothly as possible, neither happens if i am sick...

He said sassy brat, roll your eyes, stomp your foot, blow me off because you think i am over-reacting, but i surprised him, i apologised for not taking my health seriously, ignoring the dr.s advice, and basically being selfish, in an unselfish sort of way. I thought i was doing the right thing, and then i find out, i was wrong.

Oh what fun, i have to exercise 5 days a week, yeah me! i get to buy a new pair of shoes, now this would normally excite me, but as i have some weird fibro something in the bottom of my feet, the flip-flop queen has been sentenced to wearing real shoes, not only shoes, but new balance high dollar tennis shoes. I mean if i have to pay 100.00 for a pair of shoes i want them to be cute, real cute, but tennis shoes. The pain of it all. No more 4 inch heels, except in the bedroom, and i am not on my feet in there (wink wink)

I do not want to take the medication for the nerve pain and burning, it has real serious side effects, i don't know what to do,i guess we will pray about that, but the other stuff i am going to be so good about taking care of myself, Ben will be shocked, and the Dr. Pepper company will moan as their sales fall...

beside myself once again

I have heard this expression my entire life, and until today, never gave it a second thought. Beside myself, what do we mean when we are beside ourself, do we even mean the same thing? Sometimes it is a good thing, sometimes, bad, sometimes it is shear exasperation, today i was standing in front of my mirror surveying all the damage done to my bedroom by 2 toddlers while i had received a succession of 4 phone calls.

Now these were not long drawn out chatty phone calls, and i was only on the phone a few minutes, but in the time it took me to walk to the desk, and write down the appts., transfer the laundry, and put the puppies out, they pulled the comforter off my bed, trashed my closet, every single shoe is on the floor, play in the sorted laundry on the floor, and the piece de resistance, my potty training daughter took off her clothes, did her business on my bedroom floor, brought me the roll of toliet paper and said "nasty"

Today, she stuck her tooth brush in the toliet, and screamed when i threw it in the trash, she can get into any child proof cabinet i have and brought me the tooth paste, and rubbed it on my foot. There is nothing in this house she can't climb, the key to the antique washing machine is gone, and i have no idea, who what or when took it....

It finally occurred to me i am beside myself...beside myself, confuddled, bewildered, take your pick they all apply. The revolving door of sick children, a 2 week bout of pneumonia, a house that looks like i have been down for 2 weeks, The laundry runneth over, and i am almost out of laundry soap.

Like all families, things seem to go in cycles illness, financial stress, my dears just announced that basketball shoe money is due wed., and for the first time ever, all my older ones need team shoes. That is 3 pairs x80.00 each. The new time person at work paid him holiday pay, and he reported it, so they have been taking it out of his check for the last 2 weeks. We also had our nest egg, an emergency fund Ben had set aside in case things got desperate disappear,2500.00 for some people is not a lot of money, but for us , it was a little bit of security.

Our car insurance has doubled due to 2 teenage drivers with fender benders, and we went to take some money out to go to dinner with Kyle, Timmi, and her parents, to discuss the weddding next June, and it was all gone.....

I asked God today, where are you in all this confusion, are you still beside me? are you walking this walk with me? as i try to sort through all this craziness, and make sense, if at all possible of what my life is, i know very few things for certain, i feel as if i am surrounded by chaos, confusion, smoke, mirrors, i am not sure what is real, and what isn't, what counts, and what doesn't....but yet again, as i literally cleaned the nasty mess Alexandra left for me, and tried to put some sense of order back into my home, i already knew the answer, God was with me, and a great cloud of witnesses was cheering me on. If they can live their faith under such extreme conditions, i don't fail in living out mine with the challenges of my life...

Maybe tomorrow, i will get things in order, maybe tomorrow, i will think more clearly, maybe tomorrow i will make a dent in the laundry, today, we are going outside in the sunshine to play, i think we need some praytime/playtime.

confuddled once again

I have been down with pneumonia for the last week, and while i am recovering,it is going very slowly. I tire very easily. It takes all my energy to keep up with the two little ones, and i must confess, i look forward to the children coming home to help me.

We have had adventures in potty training with Alexandra, she does fantastic one day, and then the next day she refuses to use the toliet... we are at an impasse. I had Tiff buy her a package of big girl panties, thinking it might help.

I told her not to peepee in her big girl panties. Her solution has me stumped, and i surrender and admit to being outwitted by a 21 month old. She takes off her pretty panties, and pees on the floor. Yesterday, she stood in the floor of my room, with her new panties in her hand, and said i peed on you lop-lops, i sat up and looked, and sure enough she didn't get her new panties wet at all, but my lop-lops were a different story.

I am still so sick, but i am at a loss how to handle this one, just when you think you have seen it all, someone pulls a new rabbit out of the hat, a rabbit you have never even seen before.

I think i will go back to bed....

a moms' life

I have never been very good at learning my lesson. I have been told over and over for years actually not to push myself so hard, my body can't take the abuse. Theoretically i get it. I know no sleep+no rest+fibromialgia+a house full of children=a very sick mama however, i was never very good at math.

I always see the cobwebs that need to be knocked down, the dust that accumulates daily in the country, the floors that need to swept continuosly, the mountain of clothes aka laundry, the cooking that has to be done because at my house these crazy people think they need to eat every single day, several times a day. It is enough to make a frazzled mama cry...

My husband tells me, you are not allowed to get sick, you are not allowed to be sick, the house does not function when you are down. (He can't find his socks) Even the chores the children are largely responsible for get behind when i am sick.

I will make a general confession at this point mea culpa, my fault, my fault, my grievous fault, i have not been taking care of myself as well as i should, i have not slept more than a few hours a night for the last month, and for the past 3 weeks i have been battling a fibromialgia flare up. The children have all been passing around some sort of crud from school, but until this week-end i was able to fight it off.

I started running a fever on wed. , but , i ignored it because i do that, fri. afternoon, i was really sick, sat, i had laryngiitis(try that with a house full of kids, they put a bell by my bed) my chest hurt so bad, i had trouble laying down. Ben tried to take me to the hospital, but you know my motto: hell no, i won't go! He was so mad at me on Sunday, i agreed to go to the DR. on Monday, but i got Bobbie Sue to take me, because Ben had another funeral to go to.

I got the lecture once again, if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of your family, but that is so much easier said than done. I don't see anyone else volunteering to stay up with fussy, sick or teething little ones, and the truth is the littles don't want anyone else, and who can rest when their child is crying for them?????

I have bronchiitis in one lung and pneumonia in the other, I am running a fever and trying to cough my lungs up... I feel great!!!I look great too!!!I am supposed to drink lots of liquids, stay in bed and you guessed it rest!!!!how in the heck they think i am going to do this i don't know. Christian, Alexandra and I are sitting around in our pajamas, I have given them breakfast, I have run to the bathroom with Alexandra, and chased the puppies out several times. I have 3 more hours until Nicole gets home, and I am so weak, i can't do any laundry because i can't lift it. Oh well, we can all crawl in my bed and sit there and watch cartoons, that sounds so educational, it is one of those days, do what you have to so survive, the rest will have to wait.

that unspoken word

The unspoken words, that hold us all back, we keep it inside, we hide it from each other something too personal to share. We can't show that to the world, it is too personal, it is uncontrolled, it is raw, and sometimes angry..

We can't show it at home, we can't show it in public, the only place fit for an open display of grief is locked in your bathroom with the shower running, and the fan on so people can't hear you scream.

A southern lady never makes a public spectacle of herself, a southern lady cries quietly in public, you don't want to make people uncomfortable...uncomfortable...uncomfortable...There is a huge list in my head bread by generations of southern ladies, who i guess have won this war, because i behave as the descendant of generations of southern ladies would expect me to behave, and they were all wrong.

My grief is real, and raw, and my hands, are shaking and i am wracked by sobs, i don't dare let escape, the tears quietly roll down my cheeks, and i carefully wipe them away so no one notices,but i have a wound that will never heal, and grief that i have never really expressed.

The cultural differences really hit me this week, I have been to many funerals, several of them for native american families, and what i know, is they know how to grieve. They do not have any feelings we do not have, they do not have a deeper love for their missing family members, but they do have the ability, and the cultural acceptance to grieve, and be in a state of mourning, not well tomorrow, you have to pretend it is all okay, because it will make people uncomfortable.

I understood the screams of the young widow, as she in shock with her 4 children and family by her side sobbed through the funeral, i felt her screams as if they were my own, i understood her standing up, and running toward the casket screaming no,no,no, trying to wake herself up from a terrible nightmare that will never end, i felt her running and running, and falling down in a faint as if i was with her on her journey...Her family carried her out of the church in a dead faint, i was with her too..and somehow she had it right...

I am haunted by the indian hymns from a funeral long ago, when the elders of the clan sang a 14 year old girl home in their native language, i have never gotten over it, and i don't think your'e supposed to. I remember the sounds in my head of the ropes lowering the casket into the ground the thud it made when it hit the earth, my shock and disbelief as the men and boys of the family passed the shovel from man to boy and friend to friend as the community stood and watched them cover their family member with earth..The screams and sobs, my own shock and grief as I watched my son, and his friends help bury their classmate,and i flash to another funeral and another...My own son who will never grow up, who will never know me on this earth...

I told my husband, I couldn't face the graveside again, he understood, but didn't understand. In empathy with the wife and mothers, i can no longer stand silently, dabbing my eyes like a well brought up southern lady, but i am on the ground screaming and i can't stop....

My husband asked me what do we say to the family, and i said say nothing, because there is nothing to say except we are praying for and grieve for your great loss....

Somehow, somewhere, someone decided, that if you were a christian, and a believer, you shouldn't grieve like this, but God gave us this great capacity to feel and love, and he understands our need to express it. I don't understand why it is unchristian to mourn and grieve and weep because we know from the Bible, from where we base our beliefs, that upon the death of his friend, "Jesus,wept", and so should we...