Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Hope springs eternal

We have been home from our little vacation for 2 weeks now, and to our surprise and delight, God has blessed us with life. It seems Grannys' predictions is true, but i believe i conceived before we left...

While i am excited and happy about the baby, i am also terrified. I am trying to lean on my faith, but i will confess to having a weak spirit...I have had 3 miscarriages. The last 3 pregnancies were very difficult. I was hospitalised for kidney infections and pre-term labor amongst other things.

I fall into that category of high-risk pregnancy. My age raises the possibility of a genetic defect, and my auto-immune diseases complicates my bodies ability to cope...

Emotionally, enduring the loss of another child...but hope springs eternal, and i am praying, and invoking the intercession of those who love us, and of our patron saints .

Indiana offered hearty congratulations, but her cheery dispositions brushes away my fears like cobwebs...but for me, they remain...that leaves pondering 4 children with due dates all in the same month, and 4 birthdays between Thanksgiving and Christmas....My Mother is going to kill me...

I haven't managed to mail out Christmas Cards in years, I may never be able to send them again...As I pray for strenth and Gods' mercy to help keep the fears in check....I will say only that surprise of another baby right after our 26th wedding anniversary....priceless!

P.S. Julie if you read this, don't say anything to Granny. I want to wait a little while before adding more to her worries...She was so afraid i would die when i carried Alexandra, i want to spare her for now...Thanks..

Monday, April 26, 2010


I have heard of radar, and sonar, but just recently discover something far mor mysterious, momdar. I guess, I knew about it all along. I just wasn't paying attention.

Momdar is used for all the missing items it the house, ie...where are my shoes, uniform, school papers, can opener...whatever is missing in my house, i am supposed to know where it is, even if it is not mine, and i couldn't fit my big toe in it (take that size 1 Nicole).

Every night before school, i say the same mundane things, get your shoes, backpacks, uniforms, socks....blah, blah, blah...does anyone ever listen to me for more than 1 day a week? And as I never sleep, I hate to say what kind of shape I am in at 6:30 in the morning...usually the babies are sound asleep, and I am just nodding off for a few hours of bliss, before they hit the ground running.

Let us just admit, I am not a happy camper when chaos reigns in the morning...I may have to strike up a regular conversation with Our Lady of Perpetual Help...either that or i may start beatings first thing in the morning....and if their chaos wakes Alexandra, heads will roll...

I am almost ashamed to admit, that my 2 youngest children believe in the family bed. I believe in being left alone, but in the wee hours of the morning i will do just about anything for peace and quiet...Christian and Alexandra regularly make their way to my bed. It wouldn't be so bad, I mean, they are very small people, and they shouldn't take up much room.

You would be kidding yourself if you believed that..for one they helicopter all the time, spinning and kicking, and punching...Ben and I feel like we just hang on to the post of our side of the bed, and hold on...I have tried putting Christian in bed with an older child, but it never works. He always wakes up and hunts me down...Alexandra is worse. She has to be on top of me, preferably using my tummy as her pillow, or rubbing my tummy for comfort...I really hate it...

This morning I had had enough, they were both on my side of the bed, I had a leg, and one butt cheek hanging off, and I was holding on for dear life..when Ben left for work, I decided that was my opportunity to make a break for it...I got my pillows, and then placed Bens' pillows on my side of the bed, in case the little darlins' decided to fling theirselves at me again, and i wasn't there to catch them.

I snuck over to his side of the bed, and crawled in...ahh, bliss, and no one was touching me. I fell asleep...I was awakened by my children a short time later, when they discovered I was not where I was supposed to be, and they both ended up on top of me....

Momdar, it seems, that they have it too.

Friday, April 23, 2010

pain is a 4 letter word

I have been battling a kidney infection for a while now, and not getting any relief from the anti-biotics. I guess, that the stress has caused my auto-immiune yuck to misbehave.

I am having a hard time just getting out of bed, i can't seem to shake this, and it is so hard to do anything.

The children are all home today, and while I appreciate the help with the little ones, frankly, all the children are home is so crazy here on Fridays, and they only have 3 weeks left of school.

I am on 4 nights of very little sleep, this time it is Kyles' fault. He came to see us last night, and forgot to take his weenie dog, Otto home...Otto is a high strung dog, he chases everthing...he barks if the wind blows...he barked all night long, chasing my cats through the house...he set off all the other dogs, which joined in on the fun, all night long!!!!!!

I told Kyle he was no marine, because you never leave a man behind...I just wish he would come get his dog.

I completely lost my train of thought, because the 2 boys, that are supposed to be doing their chores before leaving for a birthday party are mia...and said boys will not be going if they do not get done, and doing something halfways or wrong doesn't count for anything...

Yes, I am a little irritable, but sick and stressed is not the best combination, especially when i find the boys playing VIDEO GAMES ARGGHH!!!!!!

No wonder I am so crazy, my children practically guarantee it...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

26 years and counting

This week, Ben and I did something so unusual. We went on vacation, just the 2 of us. We haven't been on a real trip alone, in almost 10 years.

It was so wonderful, restful, relaxing, and QUIET!!!! We sat and listened to birds, and frogs, and music. We talked to each other. It was so unusual.

We did wander down to the private dock a few times, and we really enjoyed the deck with rocking chairs, and the nice secluded hot tub. We always seem to go from one crazy adventure to another.

Just being husband and wife, not Mom and Dad first, was so special. Ben cooked me dinner every night, and i fixed him breakfast.(which is my least favorite meal to cook, it takes too many pans)

He brought candles, and christmas lights, and arranged them in the cabin, he bought me a bouquet of pink tulips which are my favorite...We are truly blessed and content, with where we are in our lives.

I am my beloveds', and my beloved is mine, heres' to another 26 years Benjamin, I love you, your bride....

Granny warned me not to go, she said, good lord, you'll come back pregnant, and i am just too old for you to be pregnant. Granny is so funny...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Lent is over

I couldn't sleep last night, Ben has been having those spells again, and the dr.s don't know the cause. The last 2 weeks, he has been covered in massive bruises, he has never been one to bruise, and this is very puzzling.

Anyway, i ramble. I gave up sleeping about 5;30, and decided to treat myself to a pot of caramel truffle coffee. It perked in my new super deluxe coffee pot, Ben found me on e-bay. I pour out the first cup, stir in a generous amount of sugar, and look into the fridge for my french vanilla coffee mate. There is no french vanilla coffee mate.

i cannot drink coffee, without creamer, gag, i hate the powdered stuff i use to make hot chocolate, what is a crazy lady to do? A tantrum is so unseemly first thing in the morning, and then it strikes me, ice cream and whipped cream both have the secret ingredient in it, i am saved, lent is over...Alleluia! Alleluia!

To make my morning absolutely divine, with my coffee i ate some of Trisha Yearwoods " Mama' sweet and saltines" She is in big trouble with me. She should have put the addiction warning in LARGE PRINT, not fine print. I am going to gain 10 lbs....

They are yummy and super quick, can be found on country living web page, if you need a new addiction...I have eaten my way through half the container...I think I hate Trisha Yearwood, and she seemed like such a nice lady, before she became responsible for my addiction...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Luke Gabriel Tucker

This is always a rough week for me, as we approach the 8th anniversary of Lukes' death, I know my grief is still raw, and at times very fresh.

Yesterday, Kyle and Timmi came over, and they wanted to take me to the little store with them, and buy me a treat. The conversation turned to Lukes anniversary, and Kyle in tears handed me a letter he had written to his baby brother.

I thought my heart would break all over again, as I read my sons love letter to the baby brother that died too soon. His love, and the sense of loss he still feels was so hard to bear. He talked about the things he was unable to do with his baby brother, and the only time he was able to hold him.

There is a knot in my stomach that won't go away. I know Kyle is a very sensitive and loving young man, but it helps knowing that others still remember and love my baby boy...

In loving memory of our sweet baby boy : Eternal rest grant unto him oh lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him...Luke Gabriel Tucker born and died April 9, 2002.