Monday, March 30, 2009

blowing snow~or the blizzard that came to town

Surely God must be playing a trick on Al Gore, the louder he screams" global warming,global warming" or the sky is falling, the harder is snows. I wish he would just shut up. We have blizzard conditions from North Dakota all the way down to Oklahoma at the end of March.

It is supposed to be spring for crying out loud. I had to put buckets all over my blooming plants, and I haven't made the trek out to the pasture to check on what was left of my daffodils and tulips because the wind is too stinkin' cold.

The boys were so excited to see the snow falling , they bundled up, and were heading for the door, but that very mean mom thought it was too stinkin' cold to go outside, so the horde of vandals, and visigoths sacked the playroom and living room and then the kitchen.

I could have saved my house by letting them go outside, but I was afraid they might freeze, they don't have the sense God gave a goose, they wouldn't come in out of the rain. I didn't want to explain to the Dr. why all my boys had frostbite.

Today has not started off all that great. The children were so loud this morning they woke Christian and Alexandra, that counts as a cardinal sin at my house. Ashley left a lot of laundry this weekend so I am starting off several loads behind. The absolute worst thing is they drank almost all of my coffeemate......How am I supposed to function on a freezing cold Monday with barely enough coffeemate for a cup of coffee????I'ts not like we live in town folks, and I can just run out and get some. I am so ready for naptime. What do you mean it's only 9:30 in the morning, we can still take a nap.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

a day in the life

I haven't posted since last week, and i know it usually is the day by day musings of life people read. I have spent the past week totally wrapped up in my husband, and just didn't have time to think about life in the day to day. We have really been putting a lot of time into our relationship.

He winks and says you can be a great mother, and still be my wife, and my lover...How can you resist a man that talks like that. He talked me into getting into the back of the van, and we kissed madly before heading home to the reality of a screaming baby and quarreling children.

There are times when the need to reconnect and recharge our batteries has to take precedence over everything else. I need my husband, and it tickles me no end that the man is still absolutely crazy about me. He thinks i am beautiful, smart and sexy with the empahsis on the sexy part. Then I realized that, it's supposed to be that way ...and that's way after almost 25 years of marriage, and knowing each other for 29???years, we still sneak off to kiss in cars all by ourselves.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

prom dress shopping, or I need a sedative

Yesterday, we went on an adventure. Some people call it shopping, it was more like a treasure hunt on an island jam packed with racks, and racks of dresses, teenage girls, and frazzled moms.

Bobbie Sue borrowed her Moms' van, and Nicole stayed with Billie Jo to help her wrangle all the little ones. We took Ashley, Tiffiany, Timmi, and Shayla. Shay is Tiffianys' younger sister, and dated Kyle for about 6 months a few years ago. Timmi is Kyles' fiancee, all the girls go to the same high school, and are friends. Shayla calls me Mom, so my head was constantly turning Mom,look at this one, Mom, over here, Mom look for a size6, a size 8, a size 12.

We had 4 girls, 4 different sizes, 4 different hair colors, all with different ideas of what a beautiful dress is. Timmi was the absolute easiest. She saw a dress on the internet, we found it on a mannquin in the window, they stripped it naked, she put the dress on, and she was in love. We had her try several other dresses and colors to be sure, but she never waivered in her love for the simple silk slip dress with tropical flowers on it.

Bobbie and I ran ourselves ragged the girls stood in the dressing rooms naked yelling Mom, I'm out of dresses, or can you find this in another size, or color. Timmi is so shy, she almost fell through the floor when the clerk opened her door to check on her, and she only had a slip on. I told her not to worry about it, they are quite used to seeing girls in various states of naked.

Ashley must have tried on 30 dresses. I hate strapless, and it is almost impossible to find a dress that isn't too low in the front or back or both. The last dress she tried on was a royal blue dress, satin with a chiffon overlay. it has an empire waist and a-line skirt. It is very simple and she looked like a princess with it on. She started dancing around the store singing I'm pretty, I'm pretty , I'm pretty , oh yeah, oh yeah....Then she ran in the other girls dressing show them. They were naked, and while nothing phases Tiff, and Shay, Timmi was not thrilled.

Tiffiany was looking for an extremely glamouros sequined beaded number, that made a statement. I asked her after she had tried on several of these extremely naked ill-fitting dresses what statement she was trying to make. Her body is a size 6, her bust an 8. Finding the perfect fit is difficult. I told Timmi to kick me if I got too mouthy, but I was disturbed by the amount of skin she was showing and thought acceptable. I didn't like that my sons wife, and all her womanly attributes were on display for anyone and everyone to look at. She finally found an emerald green silk dress, it looks like it was custom made for her skin and red hair. It looked like something a movie star would have worn in the 50's . It was an amazing find, and only took oh 60 dresses and 2 stores.

Shayla is very busty, and said Mom I could fit these dresses if it weren't for my boobs. I told her to quit griping, lots of women paid good money for boobs that looked just like hers. We never found her a dress , she is going with her Mom and Tiffiany today to look again. She put on one black number, that was slit up the front, up the back, and held together by little pieces of black stuff, I told her to turn around and go right back in the dressing room and take that naked thing off. She was not going out naked. She told Ashley her mother was never concerned about beauty, only how sexy they looked. She had never been told she was too beautiful to wear so little.

I love these girls, not just my own daughter, and I want their inner beauty to shine not the size of their bust, or curve of their hips. I know Shayla and Tiffiany didn't understand my perspective, but I am glad they heard another womans ideas on what is beautiful, maybe it will make a difference.

For today, after the girls choir practice I plan to put my feet up and relax, I am exhausted.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Last week one of the ladies from church called to check on me, she chuckled and said God told her I needed her help. That was an understatement. I was stressed out overworked,and just plain struggling. I told her about my recent diagnosis of multiple autoimmune diseases. I have only told a few people, as I am still trying to adjust to this.

This very kind lady came to my home today. She helped me fold and sort laundry. We even tackled the bane of my existence, the mystery sock basket. She spent 2 hours just helping me with my morning. She brought 4 sacks of groceries, holy water from Lourdes,2 other religous articles and bath salts for me.

She even offered to come back, go figure.

Thank you Lord, for sending me the help I really needed this week, and wouldn't have asked for.

I wonder how many times God has spoken to me, and if I was listening.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Easter outfits

I began my yearly hunt for new Easter outfits for everyone about a month ago. New being a somewhat relative term. Jonathan, Sean, & Connor got new dress shoes from my favorite store at the whopping price of .33 cents a pair. I found Connor slacks for .25 and then a dress shirt and tie on clearance at Walmart for 3.00. I have done closet shopping for Jon, Sean and Christian. I would like khaki colored slacks for Sean instead of black so I hope to find some.

I found an express brand dress for Nicole with the tags on it for 2.50, but no shoes yet. I bought Alexandra a darling pink smocked dress with roses embroidered on it for 2.00. She has dark pink glitter shoes that match the roses, but will need ruffle tights and a pretty sweater as it is likely to be very cold on Bald Hill on Easter morning.

I am planning to recylcle my green Easter Suit from a few years ago. I still fill out the top really well, but thanks to my belly dancing the skirt is too large, but I don't anyone will notice.

I haven't found anything for Ashley yet, she is always the most difficult to find outfits for. I also have to find her and Nicole white cotton dressy shirts for choir by Sunday no less.

I have been praying that we find Ashley a beautiful prom dress tomorrow that fits into my always tight budget, that the dress fit our standard of modesty or will be easily altered by our dear Mrs. Jones who has come to our rescue everytime we needed straps or extra covering added to dresses. She totally agrees with me, and doesn't want our Ashley "nekkid" like the rest of them girls. Who would have thought it costs so much to go out with so little on.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Ashley and Kyle

Today was a beautiful day for our family. Ashley and Kyle received the Sacrament of Confirmation from Archbishop Eusebius Beltran. There were 13 in their class. Quite a large number for our little country parish.

Kyle chose St. Jude as his patron and Ashley chose St. Cecelia. It was a very proud moment to watch my children approach the Archbishop, tell him the names they selected for themselves, and ask the church for Confirmation.

Everyone was there. Ben worked from 2:00a.m. to 10:00a.m. in order to be there. Andrew worked the night shift, caught a nap,and stood up for his brother as sponsor. I stood in the back of the church with Alexandra and Christian. She is still teething, and with the cold and ear infection she is almost unbearable. Thank God for one of the women at church who came and took both my fussy babies to the hall so I could watch my 2 big babies ask for adulthood in the church.

There was a huge potluck afterwards, and true to my dear friend Carols' memory I ate my dessert first.

Thank you Lord, for bringing my children to a greater understanding and appreciation of our faith. I am proud that they have studied so hard to reach this milestone, and I thank you for loving them. A grateful Mama.

Friday, March 13, 2009


In the busyness of my everyday life, it is in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning that I spend time in prayer. I will confess to often saying Lord don't let me overreact to that child. You know the one, the one that adores me, and pushes my buttons all at the same time.

I have had so many scriptures come to mind lately, and I am grateful to have memorized them as a child they are such a comfort in times of pain and grief. It is almost April again, the month that comes back every year right on schedule, the month I dread.

It has been almost 7 years since Lukes' death, and birth. 7 years since the initial shock and horror of learning my baby had died. The induction of labor and delivery , holding his tiny lifeless body. Trying to memorize everything about him. His blonde hair and blue eyes, and very long fingers.

Trying to hide in my heart how much I love this little boy that I never held in life. I have keepsakes and pictures from the hospital, and 2 shelves in grandmas' desk full of things people gave me after his death. Books and blankets, statues and flowers from the cemetary.

I have been trying to decide if it is time to make a memento box and put Lukes' things away. Will it make it any easier not to look at or dust these things all the time, I just don't know. I don't even know if I am ready.

It is so hard to face the loss, face the day, remember the mind-numbing pain of the funeral, and then the birth of our dear friends daughter the very next day. Every year I put on a smile and go to her birthday party ,but it is still like salt in an open wound. Last year I went to her kindergarten graduation, and screamed and sobbed hysterically all the way home. Sometimes the intensity of my pain is shocking. I feel like it is my little secret. No one really thinks it about it anymore. It's like he only exists in my mind, and in my grief.

Maybe I am not ready this year, maybe it will be next year. I keep running Romans 8:38 through my head~ For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come shall be able to seperate us from the love of God our Father.

I just know the knot in my stomach catches me offguard, and in my head I am ticking off the days. Dear Lord, be with me, help me through the weariness I feel with 3 sick little ones, and heal my heart. I am blessed to be a mother I am blessed to be Lukes' mother, and I know someday, I'll hold him in heaven. Help me to find the joy at this difficult time for me, help me not to feel so alone in my loss.

modest fashion

I have been following the posts all week on the stay at home missionaries modesty week blog.

It is nice, and unusual to see likeminded women. Women who want to honor God with their dress and actions. I used to crack up when my dear neighbor would give away a dress she liked because it touched her too much, but maybe God was using her to open my eyes to what was all around me.

I want my daughters to dress as beautiful young ladies, not in the style of today that seems to just try to show more and more of our bodies than ever intended in public. My girls always use t-shirts to make their shirts more modest. Layering clothes is a great idea. T-shirts, or tanks underneath, light weight jackets.

I think it is more important what I wear, and that I dress modestly, than anything I might say on the topic. My Mother always told me it was important to look, and act like a lady at all times. A woman might wear anything, a lady always gives thought to how she adorns her body.

I will confess as a teenager, I thought my mothers southern values were over the top, and then a few weeks ago, I saw a picture of Sharon Stone un"dressed" for some fashion occassion, and I said she may be something, but she's no lady, It has happened, I am turning into my Mother, and Granny is just around the corner.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

winters' back

I can't believe it. I was tricked, fooled into thinking spring was here. The blossoms forming on my trees, and my 100 daffodils, all lies. It has been beautiful weather in the 70's I was even feeling a little relief to my constant companion pain, and then wham it is winter again.

I could cry. It sleeted today,my sidewalks around the house iced over and the wind blew and howled. It dropped 40 degrees from Monday to Tuesday. With the extreme weather change, the swelling came back in my hands so quickly, by the time I could get my wedding ring off , my finger was bleeding.

Alexandra stood at the front door and cried to go out and play, but it is just too cold. She is already sick, with a runny nose and a terrible cough. I don't want to take a chance on her getting any worse. Christian is also sick, it is going to be a very long night. They have coughed themselves awake twice, and it is only 1:00 a.m. bed and sleep seem very far away right now.

I hope my body holds up, as I think I am in for a very long night. I ache from head to toe, and long to crawl into my nice warm bed, and pull the covers over my head, but my babies are sick and need me nearby. I think it will be the recliner and a blanket for me.

Dear Lord, be with my babies tonight as they struggle with this illness. Keep them safe, and help them to rest . Give me the strenght I need to comfort and care for them tonight, and the self-control not to be a grouch tomorrow. Your words are running through my head, and as I hum your psalms help me to remember my strength comes from you Lord.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Ben and I finally got a chance to watch the movie Fireproof this weekend. We both really enjoyed it. I thought it was a sweet and thoughtful movie. I had heard so much about it being a moving force, and the saver of marriages.

I read a scathing review about it today questioning everything about the movie. A feminists dream and full of propoganda.

My take was much simpler, I saw a couple who didn't deal with God on any level, "good people" living a modern life. They didn't even deal with each other. They had empty lives, and an empty home. The husbands 40 day commitment to love his wife no matter what, touched my heart. Sometimes, it just takes 1 person to act or live, or love heroically to make a difference in a marriage.

What would you do for your marriage? Isn't this movie just a reminder that we are called to die to self, and love heroically. It is so easy to blame the other person, and to find their faults when perhaps we need to look in the mirror and confront our own.

I am trying to let my husband know I love and appreciate his sacrifices for our family. I want our marriage to continue to grow and be even stronger 24 years from now than it is today.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Last night was Sacred Hearts' before Easter confession service. It was a little early this year,but we made a good showing. The only Tucker that didn't make it was Ashley, and she will see Fr. Adrian on Sunday.

I like to take the younger children even though they don't go to confession. I think kneeling and praying together, talking to God about our sins, or as I tell Sean when we are naughty or willful. I help the little ones to ask God in their heart to forgive anything wrong they have done.

With Ben, Andrew, and Kyle all working strange schedules, it isn't often we are all in the same place at the same time. I like seeing the children kneeling asking God for forgiveness, or helping the younger ones remember their prayers so they can complete their penance.

Fr. Adrian had many helpful things to say, and he is so very gentle and kind. Our Parish has been blessed to be entrusted to his care. I hope we all grow in holiness through his example.

My very dear Fr. Matthew was hearing confessions last night. He really looked good, and was in fine spirits. He asked if I had been behaving myself lately, and I said not a chance, how about you and he just cracked up. He hugged me so tight, I really miss seeing him every week, even though I know at 86 the care and responsibilities of 3 parishes were just too much for him.

I pray God continues to bless us with Fr. Matthew. He has been such an influence on me personally. I think to him I am the daughter he never had, at least he bosses me around more than anyone else.

I hope this Lent we all continue to grow in faith, and live out our vocations as God has called us to. Help us Lord to live for you, and to live in you, and with you. Make our daily walk recognizable as a walk with you. It isn't easy being the only catholic family in our town, help us to be good witnesses for you.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


I know I am not the adventurous type, but I do live in rural oklahoma, and encounter perils on the prairie I never experienced in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Who knew you were risking life and limb, by painting your toe nails red, and wearing flip flops. Having to run a gauntlet of chickens all trying to peck your toes is a daunting experience. chickens can fly really high when kicked soundly in the behind.

Have you ever hung clothes on the line in the gentle blowing breezes of oklahoma. If you don't know how to pin correctly, you'll be retrieving your clothes from the next county.

Not to mention the snakes, bugs, and varmints in this state. I really hate things that creep, crawl, or slither. God, in is infinite wisdom and mercy, and I dare say with a sense of humor has given me 6 sons to collect all manner of things, and bring them to me with great pride and joy " Look what I caught Mama", or what they might hide in their closet in buckets, or the frogs in the bathtub,or pockets.

Life is never dull out here. I cringe when they say guess what, because you never,ever know what these boys will do. Kyle and James were playing catch with the chickens a few days ago, I told them if they hurt my chickens, they'd be plucking them feathers and dressing that hen. They stopped, for now.

Alexandra is ready to go back to bed, and Christian is ready for breakfast, time to get back to work.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Birthday Boy

Yesterday, my baby boy Kyle turned 19. He is such an amazing person. I am so proud to be his Mama. He is my second child, born 2 years after his older brother, and true to character a month early.

I have learned so many things from Kyle. I have learned to be flexible, he is the baby that only slept 4 hours a day. I learned to carry a clean shirt in the diaper bag because, everything that went down came back up, and usually it was all over me.

I learned the quickest route to the emergency room, the Dr.s' home phone # and office # by heart. Kyle is fearless. He has always been fearless. There is nothing he wouldn't try or climb. He is a go-getter. He can run faster,lift more, hang by one arm, jumb off the roof, anything you can think of he can do, and better.

He broke his foot jumping off a retaining wall at 2, He had a concussion at 3 falling off the top of a child safety approved climbing toy. When Kyle was 4 he broke his arm hanging off the swing -set in the backyard with one arm. 2 days later, with his new cast on, I see him repeating the same action.

Most every gray hair I have had to cover up is his fault. His endless ability to find hair-raising stunts has terrified me. The things he thinks are acceptable entertainment such as mattress sledding in his friends pasture, jumping out of trees, very, very high trees into Rock Crusher Lake, I will never understand. He has a joie de vivre that few people possess.

I never understood why those crazy people would climb Mt. Everest. To my mind, that is just plain nuts. Because it's there? So what? I'd prefer a spy visit anyday. But, thanks to my dear son Kyle I now know what kind of person climbs Mt. Everest, just becaus it's there.

Happy Birthday, Dear Sweet Kyle. You have been a great joy in my life,and introduced me to a whole roller coaster ride of things, I would have never seen without you. I Love You~ Mama