seasons

In the busyness of my everyday life, it is in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning that I spend time in prayer. I will confess to often saying Lord don't let me overreact to that child. You know the one, the one that adores me, and pushes my buttons all at the same time.

I have had so many scriptures come to mind lately, and I am grateful to have memorized them as a child they are such a comfort in times of pain and grief. It is almost April again, the month that comes back every year right on schedule, the month I dread.

It has been almost 7 years since Lukes' death, and birth. 7 years since the initial shock and horror of learning my baby had died. The induction of labor and delivery , holding his tiny lifeless body. Trying to memorize everything about him. His blonde hair and blue eyes, and very long fingers.

Trying to hide in my heart how much I love this little boy that I never held in life. I have keepsakes and pictures from the hospital, and 2 shelves in grandmas' desk full of things people gave me after his death. Books and blankets, statues and flowers from the cemetary.

I have been trying to decide if it is time to make a memento box and put Lukes' things away. Will it make it any easier not to look at or dust these things all the time, I just don't know. I don't even know if I am ready.

It is so hard to face the loss, face the day, remember the mind-numbing pain of the funeral, and then the birth of our dear friends daughter the very next day. Every year I put on a smile and go to her birthday party ,but it is still like salt in an open wound. Last year I went to her kindergarten graduation, and screamed and sobbed hysterically all the way home. Sometimes the intensity of my pain is shocking. I feel like it is my little secret. No one really thinks it about it anymore. It's like he only exists in my mind, and in my grief.

Maybe I am not ready this year, maybe it will be next year. I keep running Romans 8:38 through my head~ For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come shall be able to seperate us from the love of God our Father.

I just know the knot in my stomach catches me offguard, and in my head I am ticking off the days. Dear Lord, be with me, help me through the weariness I feel with 3 sick little ones, and heal my heart. I am blessed to be a mother I am blessed to be Lukes' mother, and I know someday, I'll hold him in heaven. Help me to find the joy at this difficult time for me, help me not to feel so alone in my loss.