everything sounds cuter when you are 2

I love listening to Alexandra talk...she really has a fantastic vocabulary for a little girl who is not yet 3...but, i have to admit my favorite words and phrases are the ones she makes up..

She talks about hippolagatamus', and her ya-ya mommy(Ashley), I am mommy-mommy..and her Nik-Nik, and Bubba..and other words, i am not really certain how to spell..

I also love how things sound so much better, when they are duckies, and juicey, and milky...and even eggesy..

I am more easily persuaded to make scrambled eggs and toast when it is eggesy with brown bread..no r's pronounced..

Life is sweet, and goes by so very fast, so it is time to get off here, rock my baby, with her favorite bookie, and blankie and dollies, and miss bunny...then we're off to bed

fall activities

We spent a busy week, with a party at head-start..trick-or-treating at the tribal offices all over the world with Christian, Lola and bus loads full of little ones..it was insane...

Nicole had 2 scrimmages this week, Connor had his final foot-ball game, and Jon is full-swing in basketball..

Every time i tell myself, i have to simplify and just not do something, i do something...it is so crazy...Sean had a party on fri, but i stayed home...

We went to a wedding on Sat. and then to the fall-fest at a church in Wewoka...we do this instead of trick-or-treating..the whole door to door thing gives me a head-ache..the kids enjoy the games and they get candy too...

Monday, i am chaperoning with 2 other adults the gifted and talented kids as they attend the Phantom of the Opera Ballet...i am looking forward to this trip, i am on the g&t committee, and have 3 kids in the program..

Wed. , i am going to the pumpkin patch with Christians class, and then i will probably check myself into the funny farm for a good long rest..for all my good intentions, it always seems all their special activities fall at the same time, and who do i say no too...i feel like i miss so many of their activities..

I battle the flare-ups and exhaustion that go with auto-immune diseases, some days, my body will just not go, and i can't sit on bleachers, and keep up with the demands of a large family, and then in between i push myself too hard, and then the cycle repeats..

Simplify, balance, sanity....i need to just remind myself over and over, that no one wins, when i am down..

Autumn has arrived

The weather here is finally turning, and it is about stinking time..we had a blistering hot summer, and I am so ready for the cool mornings of Fall.

Our leaves are gradually changing colors and starting to drop all over the property..which makes a beautiful backdrop, and a great thing to throw at your brothers and sisters..

I didn't get any of my fall decorations out yet, fall break was so hectic with the kids going here and there, and Ben completely down with gout, I couldn't get up into the closet to wrestle with things..

We do have some pumpkins and squash on the porch, on a tablecloth..maybe i should just throw some leaves over the whole scene , and call it decorated..

Tomorrow Christian has a halloween party at pre-k, and goes trick or treating at the tribal offices thurs. no school on friday for him..

Sean and Jon, have a party at school on Friday.. tonight is the weenie roast in Spaulding, but, i am not sure i will be back from my Dr. appt. in Okc in time to attend...I would cancel, but i have had such a flare up lately, it probably would be a bad idea..

Connors' last football game is tonight in Maud, which I will miss, and Nicoles' 1st basketball scrimmage is at 4:00..Andrew and Tiff are going to stand in for me..and bring Nicole home..

I really don't feel very motivated right now..yes, i would like to see the decorations up, but no i don't want to do it..i almost killed myself last week repairing my kitchen after my boys had been in charge for a short time...6 hours of scrubbing saints in heaven preserve me..and then there was the hall closet that had become impassible or is it impossible, i am not sure which...that was an all day job...especially with Sean, Christian and Alexandra rolling in the blankets, coats and costumes...and now if i was an exceptionally clever and witty person, i would tie this all up in a neat little package..However, I have dogs barking, a little girl perched on my leg, socks and towels all over my living room..and who knows what lurking in the hiding places of my home..

It is time to be off this thing and back to work..because there are 2 rules of housekeeping..1 a mothers' work is never done...2..when in doubt refer back to rule number 1..

grown-ups

Sometimes, I just hate being a grown-up, I hate acting like a grown-up, I frankly don't want to be the grown-up...

Take last night for example, I was at the schools large fundraiser...the fall carnival...I absolutely hate going...It doesn't really sound like it should be up there with a root canal, but trust me..i find it agony..

Why, it is really pretty simple and straightforward..most of the events take place in the elementary building and "little gym"...a one corridor school wing with 90% of the occupants of our town packed in there..unattended children of all ages..behaving as unattended children do..pushing, line cutting, strollers, hot, and lots of people..

I do this every year, and smile while i do it..then there are the extrem people..the ones my husband can never figure out who they are, and they smile, wave and talk to us like old friends...and he says under his breath, who the hell is that?????

I guess i just reach my saturation point...too many people, too tight an area, money actually evaporating out of my pocket..It is the elementary schools primary fund-raiser, and 1 of many for the upper grades...so i go, and i support..

How many people actually know you, my husband asks, as I smile, nod and wave my way through the crowd..know me..i mean actually none..but, I am the infamous Tucker Mother, the mother of 9, and they all know who I am...Either, they were teen-agers when ours were younger, and I knew them then, or they have children in the same class as some of ours..or, I have just pointed out as the crazy women with so many children..

How does she do it? Why does she do it? What makes her do it? When 2 are more than anyone can handle...I guess the answer is she wants to, and more importantly she is called to ...

No wonder they all know who I am...with so many children circling around me, I tend to stand out...even in a crowd...

Rejoice in the Lord, always, and again I say rejoice.

It isn't everyday, that we are actually, physically able to see the answer to a prayer.

Last Spring I began praying for a young, teenage girl in our area...she was pregnant, and her mother was insisting on an abortion...I prayed daily for the safety of this unborn child, and the child that was carrying her, and for the grandmother..

This week, a little miracle was born..she is healthy, she is beautiful, she is loved and welcomed by her entire family.

Thank you Lord, for allowing me to see this blessing come to life.

This little blessing has a name, they call her Abigail.

dreaming

It was really one of those pinch me, I am dreaming moments, when Ben purchased me a ticket to visit Laura in Fla.

I hadn't seen her in 18 years...would time and distance change our friendship...would we still be so connected after all these years..would she still love me, and see me as I am...

I walked off the plane and she was waiting for me as I left security...I ran into her arms and we both cried..instead of 2 45 year old women...that have been through so many challenges, we were actually still those teen-age girls...

We spent an entire week laughing...we laughed about everything, and everybody...we laughed at ourselves, we laughed at people we hadn't seen in years, we laughed until we cried...and when it came time for me to go home, we cried...

While time has definitely changed us...it was really remarkable that in that grown womans body..my pre-teen friend was still lurking...the girl i dressed like, danced with, laughed with...grew up together...some things never change..I am so grateful my Laura is one of them...

homecoming 2010

We had a wonderful time at Homecoming on Friday Night..Our favorite candidate..Nicole Tucker of course...she looked absolutely stunning in her bdarling dress..

She decided she wanted to ride in the back of the pick-up, which we decorated with posters, and tissue paper flowers...the flower girl, and crown-bearer rode with her..

The boys won their first football game of the season..a great night for all the girls..and boys..

Friday Night football, Sak-town Style..

File it under stupid questions

Yes, I have 9 children, Yes, I know what causes it, any other stupid questions..Yes, I have a television, I even watch it, sometimes, why do you ask?

oops i forgot

How did i forgot to blog for an entire month..I am not really sure..I actually thought I had blogged, how crazy is that..

Things are busy..as usual..School is back in full swing..Connor is playing JV football..Nicole just finished her softball season today, and starts basketball practice on Monday.

Christian is attending head-start sometimes..we are not the best at getting there..he isn't a morning person, and wrestling first thing in the morning is hard on the Mama..

Jon and Sean are both doing really well in school..if we don't count the 3 fights Sean has been in .

Ashley loves college, loves living in the dorm. and she and her room-mate get along like they have known each other a very long time, not 6 weeks..

Ben, has decided I am over-worked, over-stressed, and over-whelmed..he is sending me on vacation for a week in Fla. I am going to be visiting one of my dearest friends..she and I will be spending some much needed time together..I haven't seen her in the flesh in 18 years..where did the time go..

I am really going to try and remember, not to forget blogging..it is something i enjoy...now if i can only focus..

feast of the assumption

Sunday was the feast of the assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary..It was a beautiful mass attended by almost the entire family..almost...

It was the occasion of Sean Patricks' First Holy Communion..I must admit, that as the Mom of many life sometimes just seems so routine..been there, done that..but, this morning, as i knelt beside my young son, who had just received the precious gift of our Lord, and prayed for him,i cried tears of joy..

Thank you Lord, for the gift of self you continue to give us, and the gift of my dear wild son..in this quiet moment in your presence, we were one..

Thank you for the gift of the moment, and the realisation that in the familiar, there is still a newness we can only find in you..

schooldays

Today was the first day of school, and i am glad things went so well for everyone, even if the crazy coach thinks 107 degree weather is suitable for practicing softball, while he sat his happy ass in the shade...

I know someone who is getting a phone call in the morning...other than that, singing, dancing and cartwheels are in order...

Ashley moves into the dorms on saturday, and starts classes on monday...my life will have a new normal..

countdown

I am counting down the days until school starts..most of the children are ready to go back to school, to see their friends on a regular basis, to get back into the routine of everyday life..

Nicole is not looking forward to high school. She is not changing schools per se, the high school is in a seperate building, but she will be at the same school. I am not sure why she is dreading it so much, maybe because her sister is not going to be there.

I am in a little bit of a funk myself. I will be relieved for the little ones to return to our normal routine, and yet, i am dreading the 14th of August. That is the date that Ashley will move into the dorms. at E.C.U. . She has been on the phone with her room-mate, planning things and getting to know her.

It is in the letting go of my 17 year old daughter that I am having so much trouble...let her go, hold her close, it is so hard...

where are the teen-agers when you need them?

I tried to change the background of my blog all by myself, and i thought i erased my entire blog page oy-vey...i think i need to wait for reinforcements...i usually pick a back-ground and tell a teen-ager, fix this for me...

Now i am convinced, that is why i have so many teen-agers someone has to do the computer stuff for me..

this crazy summer time

I haven't spent any -time on my blog lately...i am running around in circles, with so much still going on..we haven't had a break this year, and a vacation is out of the question..we can't seem to get everyone in the same place at the same time..

I had really looked forward to lazy days with nothing to do, but play with the children read a good book...unwind...it hasn't happened yet...i don't believe it will...

Between children leaving, and children coming home, and other children leaving, and then the other children leaving i am completely mental..

kyle and timmi

It has been a very busy month..so busy i haven't really had time to think let alone blog about it. I have a new daughter . Her name is Timmi Rockelle, and I got her fully grown, my son Kyle married her.

I have been decorating hall, baking cupcakes, undecorating the hall, cleaning the hall, packing stuff up to take to the hall, packing stuff up to bring home from the hall, i swear i have met myself on the road to Konawa several times...

It was really hard getting things done with Nicole and Connor at camp, and Ashley working 3 days a week..

Then Nicole pulled a muscle in her leg on Sat. at a track meet, she is still limping and in a lot of pain, it looks like she will be unable to compete in the regional track meet this week-end..so while she is laid up, Ashley works her 3 day shift enrolls in college today, and then works a fund-raiser for their florida trip fri, sat, sun...

Did i mention the laundry...Ben let Connor loose on my washing machine, and thats all i will say about that..

Seans' last ball game is away tomorrow night, and then he has a tournament all week-end, it will be over 100 every day, and my body and mind have just run out of everything...i feel unable to even go to the games, let alone chase all the little ones right now..he has gone to his last 2 weeks of games with Billie...what would i do without her..i don't want to know...

Dr. says be kind to myself, but the truth is i have been beating myself up over everything i am unable to do right now..maybe i just need a break

reflections

As I sit here rocking my baby back to sleep this morning, it gives me time to pause and reflect on a really timely encounter i had yesterday. A lady in our town stopped by for a moment, someone i know casually.

What should have been brief visit, turned into a 30 minute conversation...she has been facing many trials lately, her husband left her for another woman, problems with children. We just shared about the things we face as women...wives....and mothers.

Fear, loneliness, frustration.

She has been reeling from the unexpected news her 15 year old daughter was pregnant. She said the first words out of her mouth were, you are not keeping it, you are having an abortion...she was angry, and shocked. She thought her daughter had thrown away any opportunity for an athletic scholarship.

I found out through the grapevine about the pregnancy, and began praying for the welfare of the baby , the mother, and grandmother...the abortion was planned for the week of spring break. They went to the city to have the procedure performed, and to the grandmothers shock, they would not perform the abortion, she was too far along.

To everyones surprise, this baby had survived an appointment with death. The prayers continue for this family,and in this chance encounter, i shared with her gently, that babies are always a blessing, and thins will work out.

She said, if only i could take those words back, i didn't really mean it.

preoccupied

Summer Break, everyone is home, there are so many activities. Instead of the lazy days of summer i enjoyed so much as a child with frequent trips to the park and library, we seem to be pushed into frenetic acts..chaos..exhaustion..

I am really unhappy about all of this, and at the same time don't know the solution. I did consider throwing my calendar away, and skipping the events for the rest of the month..

Baseball, soft-ball, basket-ball, track, choir practice, youth , vacation bible school, dr.s , dentists, eye appts. I don't think I can cope right now...we are out of groceries, i have to go to the store tomorrow as the locusts have devoured anything and everything that resembles anything edible..

Maybe my summers were always hectic, maybe they have always been a blur of activity...how could they really be anything else..

Preoccupied, my brain, my heart, my thoughts are still some where else, some where far, far, away, some where with a little baby, i will never hold, never see, this side of heaven..my flesh and blood..my baby..a little one that in 10 short weeks changed my life, but is forgotten by the world.

alone

Today is the first time since the death of the baby i have been alone...I am alone in the house, alone in my thoughts, alone in my body...

I have been afraid to think too much, or even talk to anyone about anything that matters. My thoughts are so jumbled up, and while i walk around pretednding to function , everthing is just underneath, and i am hiding from everyone and myself.

Ben says i feel distant, i am, he says i am too quiet, its true...when everything is whirling and swirling you have to be careful to open your mouth, you don't know when the raw painful truth of it all will come spewing out...

I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to answer any questions...I dread going to church...questions, sympathy, criticism...

Pain is one of those things that can only be hidden for so long...it just doesn't go away, even if you look great...you must be recovering quickly..oh only 10 weeks...you will be yourself in notime...
no time, no time at all..no time to grieve...no time to mourn...how do you mother...do you hide the pain or show it...grief has an odd way of sorting things out...alone...no time...

slipping

It is always fun to write a post that is funny, crazy, or just plain weird...

We often have weird things going on here, it just can't be helped. This week though everything is sad and tinged with grief and sorrow...

We went in one day from the joy and anticipation of a new child to the chilling realisation that dream was over..

Dr. Nanda and her staff treated us with dignity and respect, and as we discussed all our options I went with what I believed to be her best suggestion. i had some problems with hemorraging, and i remain week and exhausted. I have bruise all over my arms and legs. I am starting to supect surgical nuses beat you up, when you are out...way out

We are celebrating the life of our baby with a memorial Mass of the Angels on Wed. June 2.we have given her the name Madeleine April Marie...

And while my body and spirit try to heal, i am struck by the gifts in my life. Nicole who is taking care of everybody, Ashley who is doing dishes and singing...the boys well, being boys, and my dear Lola tucking me in for a nap, and kissing me all over to make me better..

graduation 2010

Thurs. night Nicole graduated from the 8th grade..she looked so grown up, so beautiful..she was nervous, but did a great job giving her speech, and was so happy to be honored as valedictorian.

They awarded her with a plaque that had her name and date and perfect 4.0 on it..

Ben and I are so proud of her achievements..and of the fact that she maintained that level of academics while particpating in 2 softball seasons, basketball, track, choir and piano lessons Nicole is a bit of an overachiever...

Fri. night Ashley graduated high school. The tears started with the music...it was very difficult, almost impossible for me to keep my composure. I would like to blame it all on hormones, but that wouldn't be entirely true...

I think Ashleys' achievement overwhelmed me because I know how hard she fought to graduate with her class.

She came back literally from deaths door, and still finished with the highest gpa in 3 classes, and honors at graduation as a member of the national honor society...

My tears were tears of joy, Ashley is my hero...I have never seen anyone fight so hard in my life.

I am so proud of both my daughters, and all they have accomplished...they are growing into wonderful women...we are blessed by them...

it's 4:30 do you know where your mother is?

Another night of no sleep, and i just gave up, and put in another load of laundry...my brain will not turn off, no matter how tired my body is.

I have so much on my mind..I can't stop thinking...a lot of it revolves around everything I haven't done, and somehow need to do by Thurs. a body that doesn't want to cooperate, and children that are less cooperative than my body..

The children have had so many field trips and activities, that i can't seem to get any cooperation out of them.

Kyle has a job interview in the morning...Andrew has to sleep...and get ready for his party...and has to sleep...i can't count on any of them for help...

I still need to finish shopping for the party...the person that offered to come clean for me, has developed amnesia, because i am pregnant and she isn't...

I have an ultrasound tomorrow...I am a nervous wreck...my clothes don't fit, I haven't gained any weight, but i look 12 weeks, not 7....Andrew and Indiana insist it is twins...

One baby at a time is enough to think about...it is one of those night/mornings, when i need to let go and let God be in charge...somehow this will all work out...and since i am up, i might as well take my shower now, before someone beats me to it, and gets the hot water...

oops

I made a facebook page, so i could look at the first photos from our family photo shoot. Everyone in the whole wide world is on there, everyone i had lost contact with , family friends...neighbors..it is addicting...i am going to end up at facebook annonymous, because i think it is easy to become a facebookaholic....

Sasakwa Activities Banquet

The booster club puts on a banquet, at the end of the school year to honor high school academic and athletic achievements.

These are not family friendly events, they don't want siblings, or younger children in attendance, and it irritates me.

Ashley received an award for her participation on the Academic Team. This was her last event, and the Seniors symbolically blow out a candle, closing their high school careers. Ashley felt a little emotional about it. It just hit her, that in 2 weeks, she will be done with high school.

She has a field trip for gifted and talented next week, and then graduation. The following week, she will be traveling to Texas for her senior trip.

I am still feeling a little rough, and trying to figure out what to do for the girls graduation party. I am behind in cleaning, laundry, well everything....and in 2 weeks, i am having a party.

I need to simplify my plans for the party, and instead of cooking, i think i am going to order a sandwich tray....i need to make some lists, and set some realistic goals. I have no energy at all, and between feeling sick, and exhaustion, i may have to call in reinforcements on this one.

Happy Birthday

Last night, we celebrated Sean Patricks' 7th birthday. He had pizza, cake and ice cream. He opened his gifts, and then they all ran around in the dark shooting each other with squirt guns.

7 years ago, I wouldn't have guessed he would have been so full of life, so over the top, so very smart. I spent 2 months on bed rest, 6 months of progesterone injections, i spent 2 months in the hospital, moved back and forth from ward to l&d. I was induced 5 weeks early, and had an emergency c-section.

Sean spent 4 days in the NICU, on cpap, and he needed other help. I didn't see him until he was 2 days old. I had my gallbladder removed when he was still in nicu, and stopped breathing.

We left the hospital when Sean was 10 days old....

Sean has thrived...his only side effect has been asthma...but, he has done so well...

We are truly blessed. Happy Birthday Sean Patrick, we love you...

Hope springs eternal

We have been home from our little vacation for 2 weeks now, and to our surprise and delight, God has blessed us with life. It seems Grannys' predictions is true, but i believe i conceived before we left...

While i am excited and happy about the baby, i am also terrified. I am trying to lean on my faith, but i will confess to having a weak spirit...I have had 3 miscarriages. The last 3 pregnancies were very difficult. I was hospitalised for kidney infections and pre-term labor amongst other things.

I fall into that category of high-risk pregnancy. My age raises the possibility of a genetic defect, and my auto-immune diseases complicates my bodies ability to cope...

Emotionally, enduring the loss of another child...but hope springs eternal, and i am praying, and invoking the intercession of those who love us, and of our patron saints .

Indiana offered hearty congratulations, but her cheery dispositions brushes away my fears like cobwebs...but for me, they remain...that leaves pondering 4 children with due dates all in the same month, and 4 birthdays between Thanksgiving and Christmas....My Mother is going to kill me...

I haven't managed to mail out Christmas Cards in years, I may never be able to send them again...As I pray for strenth and Gods' mercy to help keep the fears in check....I will say only that surprise of another baby right after our 26th wedding anniversary....priceless!

P.S. Julie if you read this, don't say anything to Granny. I want to wait a little while before adding more to her worries...She was so afraid i would die when i carried Alexandra, i want to spare her for now...Thanks..

Momdar

I have heard of radar, and sonar, but just recently discover something far mor mysterious, momdar. I guess, I knew about it all along. I just wasn't paying attention.

Momdar is used for all the missing items it the house, ie...where are my shoes, uniform, school papers, can opener...whatever is missing in my house, i am supposed to know where it is, even if it is not mine, and i couldn't fit my big toe in it (take that size 1 Nicole).

Every night before school, i say the same mundane things, get your shoes, backpacks, uniforms, socks....blah, blah, blah...does anyone ever listen to me for more than 1 day a week? And as I never sleep, I hate to say what kind of shape I am in at 6:30 in the morning...usually the babies are sound asleep, and I am just nodding off for a few hours of bliss, before they hit the ground running.

Let us just admit, I am not a happy camper when chaos reigns in the morning...I may have to strike up a regular conversation with Our Lady of Perpetual Help...either that or i may start beatings first thing in the morning....and if their chaos wakes Alexandra, heads will roll...

I am almost ashamed to admit, that my 2 youngest children believe in the family bed. I believe in being left alone, but in the wee hours of the morning i will do just about anything for peace and quiet...Christian and Alexandra regularly make their way to my bed. It wouldn't be so bad, I mean, they are very small people, and they shouldn't take up much room.

You would be kidding yourself if you believed that..for one they helicopter all the time, spinning and kicking, and punching...Ben and I feel like we just hang on to the post of our side of the bed, and hold on...I have tried putting Christian in bed with an older child, but it never works. He always wakes up and hunts me down...Alexandra is worse. She has to be on top of me, preferably using my tummy as her pillow, or rubbing my tummy for comfort...I really hate it...

This morning I had had enough, they were both on my side of the bed, I had a leg, and one butt cheek hanging off, and I was holding on for dear life..when Ben left for work, I decided that was my opportunity to make a break for it...I got my pillows, and then placed Bens' pillows on my side of the bed, in case the little darlins' decided to fling theirselves at me again, and i wasn't there to catch them.

I snuck over to his side of the bed, and crawled in...ahh, bliss, and no one was touching me. I fell asleep...I was awakened by my children a short time later, when they discovered I was not where I was supposed to be, and they both ended up on top of me....

Momdar, it seems, that they have it too.

pain is a 4 letter word

I have been battling a kidney infection for a while now, and not getting any relief from the anti-biotics. I guess, that the stress has caused my auto-immiune yuck to misbehave.

I am having a hard time just getting out of bed, i can't seem to shake this, and it is so hard to do anything.

The children are all home today, and while I appreciate the help with the little ones, frankly, all the children are home today....it is so crazy here on Fridays, and they only have 3 weeks left of school.

I am on 4 nights of very little sleep, this time it is Kyles' fault. He came to see us last night, and forgot to take his weenie dog, Otto home...Otto is a high strung dog, he chases everthing...he barks if the wind blows...he barked all night long, chasing my cats through the house...he set off all the other dogs, which joined in on the fun, all night long!!!!!!

I told Kyle he was no marine, because you never leave a man behind...I just wish he would come get his dog.

I completely lost my train of thought, because the 2 boys, that are supposed to be doing their chores before leaving for a birthday party are mia...and said boys will not be going if they do not get done, and doing something halfways or wrong doesn't count for anything...

Yes, I am a little irritable, but sick and stressed is not the best combination, especially when i find the boys playing VIDEO GAMES ARGGHH!!!!!!

No wonder I am so crazy, my children practically guarantee it...

26 years and counting

This week, Ben and I did something so unusual. We went on vacation, just the 2 of us. We haven't been on a real trip alone, in almost 10 years.

It was so wonderful, restful, relaxing, and QUIET!!!! We sat and listened to birds, and frogs, and music. We talked to each other. It was so unusual.


We did wander down to the private dock a few times, and we really enjoyed the deck with rocking chairs, and the nice secluded hot tub. We always seem to go from one crazy adventure to another.

Just being husband and wife, not Mom and Dad first, was so special. Ben cooked me dinner every night, and i fixed him breakfast.(which is my least favorite meal to cook, it takes too many pans)

He brought candles, and christmas lights, and arranged them in the cabin, he bought me a bouquet of pink tulips which are my favorite...We are truly blessed and content, with where we are in our lives.

I am my beloveds', and my beloved is mine, heres' to another 26 years Benjamin, I love you, your bride....

Granny warned me not to go, she said, good lord, you'll come back pregnant, and i am just too old for you to be pregnant. Granny is so funny...

Lent is over

I couldn't sleep last night, Ben has been having those spells again, and the dr.s don't know the cause. The last 2 weeks, he has been covered in massive bruises, he has never been one to bruise, and this is very puzzling.

Anyway, i ramble. I gave up sleeping about 5;30, and decided to treat myself to a pot of caramel truffle coffee. It perked in my new super deluxe coffee pot, Ben found me on e-bay. I pour out the first cup, stir in a generous amount of sugar, and look into the fridge for my french vanilla coffee mate. There is no french vanilla coffee mate.

i cannot drink coffee, without creamer, gag, i hate the powdered stuff i use to make hot chocolate, what is a crazy lady to do? A tantrum is so unseemly first thing in the morning, and then it strikes me, ice cream and whipped cream both have the secret ingredient in it, i am saved, lent is over...Alleluia! Alleluia!

To make my morning absolutely divine, with my coffee i ate some of Trisha Yearwoods " Mama' sweet and saltines" She is in big trouble with me. She should have put the addiction warning in LARGE PRINT, not fine print. I am going to gain 10 lbs....

They are yummy and super quick, can be found on country living web page, if you need a new addiction...I have eaten my way through half the container...I think I hate Trisha Yearwood, and she seemed like such a nice lady, before she became responsible for my addiction...

Luke Gabriel Tucker

This is always a rough week for me, as we approach the 8th anniversary of Lukes' death, I know my grief is still raw, and at times very fresh.

Yesterday, Kyle and Timmi came over, and they wanted to take me to the little store with them, and buy me a treat. The conversation turned to Lukes anniversary, and Kyle in tears handed me a letter he had written to his baby brother.

I thought my heart would break all over again, as I read my sons love letter to the baby brother that died too soon. His love, and the sense of loss he still feels was so hard to bear. He talked about the things he was unable to do with his baby brother, and the only time he was able to hold him.

There is a knot in my stomach that won't go away. I know Kyle is a very sensitive and loving young man, but it helps knowing that others still remember and love my baby boy...

In loving memory of our sweet baby boy : Eternal rest grant unto him oh lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him...Luke Gabriel Tucker born and died April 9, 2002.

spring shenanigans

Our computer has a stinking rotten virus, and i am reduced to borrowing Andrews' laptop.

Ashleys 'bout with bronchitis again set back her recovery, but she returned to school again today. Her wound has re-opened and she is very frustrated. She is trying to get caught up at school, but it will be an up-hill battle.

I am helping her with her term paper in my spare time.

We are running in circles, if i had a tail, i would try and catch it. Ashley has so much to do, lots of senior activities, and lots to catch up. Nicole is running track and playing soft-ball. She is also involved with the large girls choir Defined and the girls will be competing in Orlando In July.

Connor is running track, and playing base-ball. Jonathan, track and piano. Sean piano and little league. He is quite a ball-player, and excited to be on his 1st team.

Ashley is competing in Orlando individually, with a guitar and vocal performance of her version of I need you to love me. She is also in the small choir 5g's that made nationals. The next few months will be a challenge.

Christian and Alexandra spend their days finding things to get into. I should know better than to be surprised, but i still find myself shaking my head at the antics of my little ones and thinking unbelievable.

Alexandra decided to cook in her Dora kitchen, and someone left the salt and pepper on the counter, and the eggs out. She dumped them into her sink, and mixed them all up.

Christian, came in and told me, sister is cooking in her kitchen, thats nice, and i continued folding the laundry. No really Mama, she is cooking with eggs, I ran to her room, sure enough, she was cooking with eggs.

Now that it has warmed up some we have had a case of spring fever, and sat in the yard yesterday, and watched them ride their bikes. It was fun, enjoying the sunshine and watching the children play.

Ben is back to working on the bathrooms. They have battled with the gas lines, and gas company for 2 weeks, and still no gas. They now suggest we replace all our gas lines, completely update them. The only problem is, we have over a mile of gas line, and the expense of replacing them will be astronomical. We are considering the option of going all electric, which will also be expensive.

We are praying about it, and still camping in our house. One thing about living out here, life is never dull, and as Fr. Adrian, says so we persevere.

I am hoping for a peaceful holy week. A prayerful time for all christians as we approach holy thurs. , good friday, and Easter. I would hope for a peaceful time, but at my house that would be asking too much...Blessings and Happy Easter

not complaining but...

We have had some spring weather, and it has been so nice to have sunshine, even if the wind is a little too cold for me.

Alexandra and Christian helped me weed, the front flower bed, and I cut a few daffodils to bring inside and brighten things up. I may end up cutting all of them on Friday. It is supposed to be beautiful on Friday, but, Saturday morning a snow stormis supposed to blow in , with temp. back in the 30's and blowing snow.

I am praying they are wrong, very,very wrong. It will be awful to have a huge drop in temps. as our gas was cut-off tonight, and our meter was pulled and plugged.

Our neighbors had a gas leak in their well house. The gas company determined that their water softening unit was leaching salt water into the ground surronding their system. The gas line to our house, and my other neighbors were pitted from the salt water, and corroded. The lines have to be replaced, and it is our responsibility and at our expense it will be repaired.

I don't know what it will cost, or how long it will take to have it fixed, but we have one hot water heater, which is connected to the kitchen, 2 bathrooms, my washing machine, and of course my cook stove.

I could cry, I don't even know how i am going to manage. I guess like we did when we didn't have water, or electricity...

We already have so much to do, and so many repairs to make around the house, and then something so major, that is urgent...we don't know if it is something Ben and the boys can work on or if it has to be signed off by a plumber...

Ashley is recovering, but so slowly. She still has no energy, and even going to school only 2 hours a day exhausts her. She needs to go full time starting next week, but i don't know how she is going to make it.

Tomorrow is the beginning of spring break, and i have planned to do some serious spring cleaning and sprucing up. Ben repaired the wall paper in the entryway today, and he plans to paint and paper the bathroom/laundry room tomorrow.

I bought some containers of paint samples, and would love to paint the living room and dining area before Ashleys' graduation party in May. I also would like Ben to finish my bathroom and repaint my bedroom. I know we only have 2 months, but i would like to believe in miracles.

what is normal

I am hoping for a return to some sort of normalcy? , but i have really lost any sense of what normal is. Things have been so difficult for so long, i don't even know where to begin...

I feel the need to purge, declutter and spring clean in general, but i have to remind myself to pick one thing at a time, and go slow. My body is still very tired, and the struggle with the auto-immune diseases makes it difficult. My mind says do, but my body just won't co-operate.

Ashley returned to school, for the first time in 6 weeks today. The Dr. is allowing 2 hrs. to start, and we are to let her body and tolerance guide us. School is ridiculous as usual. I am so irritated with them right now, i am going to have to go visit with some people. They put her on the fail list, as she has been out of school so long, and want to send her to the fail club, with the other students as punishment. She spends 5 days in the hospital, emergency surgery, comes close to dying, and has a long difficult recovery with 6 weeks of home health nurses, and daily packing of her wounds, and they want to punish her!!!! and i thought i was insane....

We have lots of things coming up prom, senior pictures, soft-ball season, base-ball season, track...musical competitions, lessons...so many things, my brain has gone to befuddled or fuzz setting, i am just hoping it is not permanent...

Mom called today, her younger sister, my Aunt Linda Sue died of a massive heart attack. She is in shock as her sister is 16 years younger than she is. We are unable to travel to Missouri for her funeral, but my thoughts and prayers and with my cousins and their children. Time passes so quickly, it has been years since i have seen them.

I watched my youngest 3 children this afternoon enjoying the sunshine, and the puddles(lakes) all over our property, and it was just yesterday, that Andrew, Kyle, and Ashley were my puddle ducks, and now they are 22, 20, and 17. I blinked, and they were big, I blinked and my babies weren't babies anymore.

I am trying to remind myself everyday to savor the moments with my babies. Mud washes off, puddles will someday dry up, but the memories of watching them laughing and running through the water will last a lifetime...

the gospel according to Sean

I overheard a conversation while i was folding laundry, that made me laugh out loud...Sean was explaining to Christian and Alexandra how to be a friend of Jesus...you love God, you love Jesus, you want to be good, and you don't listen to the debil(devil) when he tells you to do mean things.

You want to go to heaven when your soul leaves your body, and you don't want to go to hell, that's why you don't listen to the debil. He is not your friend and tries to trick you...

When you take toys away, and don't share or hit people you are not being a friend of Jesus...theology in a nutshell courtesy of a 6 year old...

I thought he is so smart, and so funny to explain his version to a 4 & 2 year old...

the waiting game

We are waiting for Ashleys' test results, and hoping they hold the answer to her slow recovery. She is still weak and dragging. They have even checked for anemia. My sister Kathy has offered to accompany me on a spa trip. I haven't been alone with my older sister in years...

Bens' test results came back yesterday, and he is fine, didn't even glow in the dark, i was so disapointed. I wanted to see if i could read by his radioactive glow.

Kyles' culture came back positive for MRSA, and Ashley has some weird aerobic, and anaerobic bacteria, that you never find in this situation. Highly unusual, actually never seen it before, no idea how she got it, it doesn't live on the skin like Staph, no answers...probably why we can't get her well.

It causes me great pain and stress to see my happy girl, like this. Ashley has always been such a joy, and her pain and grief, and now depression are creeping over my house...she is lonely, and angry, she is afraid she will not graduate, she came downstairs crying about 1:30 a.m. she is so frustrated. She doesn't have the energy to return to school, they have sent an outline of work, but thats' it. She is in yearbook class, and if she doesn't complete her pages, she fails.

I really love sympathetic ,helpful teachers and administrators, at least i would if i ever met any.....

As we live with such unusual circumstances, life still goes on. My never ending battle with the laundry continues. My floors oh how they still need mopping. After 4 inches of snow on Fri, then the additional mud, I don't know what color my tile is, gray, mud, sludge is my best guess.

Alexandra doesn't want me to ever forget i have a 2 year old in the house, so while i was frantically trying to find the phone(Ashleys' nurse was calling, and Lola hid it in the closet), my 2 year old took advantage of my distraction to bathe 2 of her Dora dolls in the toliet, and pour shampoo in their hair...someone stuck conditioner in the freezer, just to see what happens to it...Christian and Jonathan decided to spray paint their guys black, and used my golf clubs to crack ;pecans....

Do you have any idea what it does to golf clubs when you use them to crack pecans on cement? I guess I will not be swinging any clubs this spring either....

Christian refuses to grow, and still weighs 29lbs at 4! He is so tiny, it causes this gnawing kind of worry. He has seen an endocrinologist, and is scheduled to go back. I suppose it is the fear of the unknown. Kyle at 5'5" insists he is just fine, and i am worrying about nothing, but i have found out the hard way, inner voices often ring the truest.

While he may be my smallest child, he more than makes up for in it flat out charm. He oozes it. He has beautiful long, blond curls, enormous blue eyes, and black lashes. He is frankly beautiful, and twice as mischevious....I never know what he will think of next, and my heathen baby is right on his heels.

I officially have 2 children in their 20's now, Kyle turned 20 on March 1st, and we are having his birthday dinner tomorrow. It is odd, to have sons in their 20's , 2 teenagers, 2 pre-teens, a 6 year old, and 2 toddlers...

3 girls, mellow missy, diva, and drama queen, 6 boys that range from energetic to frentic, and2 very tired parents, that are no longer in their 20's. That is probably why we are so tired...

Insanity is hereditary

I once read a bumper sticker, that said, insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children. I laughed and that was that, unfortunately, I now know this saying to be true.

In the last 22 years, i have devolved from a semi-together sane person to a raving lunatic...sad but true...what kind of person, confronted with strange, actually bizarre situations comes to accept the abnormal, aka unusual, highly unlikely, almost impossible as an everyday occurance, no one except the mother of a large family.

The last few years are what has sent me over the top, and i have just given in to the lunacy. If the Dr. says the side effect is rare, virtually never happens, you can guarantee someone in my house will have it.

This isn't another whine fest, because i am all out of cheese and crackers, but my children have developed a unique way to deal with me, it is called exhaust her to death.

Ashley still has not recovered from her bout with MRSA, and sees the Dr. again tomorrow, they are planning to do tons of blood work, and contact an infectious disease expert to see if they have an answer to her very slow progress. Her wound is healing well, but she is still so weak, and sick, and spiking a fever.

In a completely unrelated case, Kyle who doesn't live at home developed a severe infection in his leg from a spider bite, which turned into cellulitis, which then abcessed, and I had to make an emergency trip with him Fri, for the Dr. to open his leg. If it has not drained and improved by Mon. they are referring him to a surgeon for further care...

Christian and Alexandra have both been ill, they are not sleeping well, they seem to sleep in shifts, so I never rest for long. Ashleys' antibiotics have to be taken every 6 hrs. which requires me to set the alarm around the clock, because I never know what time it is, and if the sun isn't shining I don't know if it is day or night.

Connor and Nicole while they are both well, begin track practice next week after school, with base-ball and soft-ball practice during P.E. , there is nothing like a small country school in the south. All sports, all the time, academic team scholastic events, there is never an end to some season. We seem to go from one sport season to the next, with no time off for good behaviour.

In between all of this Ashley and Nicole sing in a girls choir with Ashley also singing in the small group and individually. We have piano lessons for 4 children, which equals 3 practice sessions a week.

Sean wants to sign-up for little league and play base-ball this summer, what a lovely idea....baseball starts the middle of May and ends the first of July with 3 games scheduled a week, and 2 tournaments...

Ashley and Nicole will be traveling to Fla in July, to compete nationally with the choirs they sing with, and Ashley is supposed to play the guitar and compete individually.

To just round things out, Andrew and Tiff want to make me a grandma, and Kyle and Timmi are getting married June 18th.

I think they are waging bets to see how quickly i crack, and how often i have to do my roots!!!!!

Ben says no ones life is as crazy as ours, no ones, and i almost have to agree with him. I am not even sure, that other people with large families have as much weirdness as we do.

My Mother blames it all on me, she swears she spent more time in the emergency room with me, than all the other children combined, and all the nurses knew her on a first name basis. I was her hot house flower, as she calls me, I don't even know what to call my Ashley, she is definitely more fragile than a hot house flower..

I knew when I got married, i was signing up to love, honor, cherish, but i really didn't know i was giving up sleeping permanently once we had children. Our life is so insane, i really am beginning to think i have cracked up, and forgot. Maybe, if i just surrender, and admit to total insanity, things would settle down.

Ben suggested sending me to a spa for a few days alone, just to recover from our crazy life, all alone for 3 days, I don't think I have ever been alone, I am not even certain I know how to be alone, what a thought...I may have to consider, it's either that or a total melt-down...

Come what may...

I haven't been able to get on the computer lately, it has been sick, and i have really been so busy with things at home.

Ashley has not been recovering like the Dr. expected(what a surprise). The culture they did at the hospital grew out expected and unexpected things. She had among other things, an anaerobic bacteria they were not expecting to find. They put her on another specific antibiotic, and finally she seemed to feel a little better.

The home health nurses have been fantastic, and they really have done a great job taking care of my sweet girl. She started feeling bad last night, and was running a fever.

She has been out of school for almost 7 weeks, and graduation is 11 weeks away. I don't know how this will work, and I am praying the school steps up this time and really gives her the help she needs to complete her graduation requirements.

One of Ashleys' teachers contacted her on facebook, and told her she signed her up for prom, and purchased her ticket...we just found out that prom this year is March 12, and no we don't have a dress yet....

I have been sick for 2 weeks, the stress, and lack of sleep really do take a toll on my body...I am on a super antibiotic, and today they called in a 2nd med. an anesthetic type for my extreme pain. Round the clock care for Ashley, and then Christian and Alexandra who have decided sleep is optional, and they don't need it, is about to send me over the edge...I told Granny if they come take me to the funny farm, I want a padded room, so i can't here the other guests banging their head against the wall. Maybe, i could get a nap...

I know we have been held up in prayer by people all over the country, but, i have reached the point of numbness. I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I am finding it so difficult to pray, at a time when we desperately need Gods' intervention...

I am really struggling...I keep repeating my scripture to myself, and run through others I have memorized over the years..I am trying to read a book by St. Louis de Montfort, but my brain spends a lot of time on bubble cycle, so i have to reread it...

I have conceded defeat to the laundry, and will never ever get caught up, ever!!!!!I have to bag all Ashleys laundry and wash it seperately, i have to wear gloves to do her laundry, change her linens, anything that might have come in contact with her wound or drainage...

All my floors need mopping, the tile is very well, dirty doesn't quite cover it. It has been so wet and muddy, half the vents filled with the overflow because the entire area was so flooded, when i say the river ran through it, i mean my yard...

Today, the sun was shining, my friends the birds continued on, I have lots of daffodils ready to bloom, maybe like spring, hope and faith will return to me...I would like to feel something besides fear, exhaution or numbness...

Joy, Hope, and while I know my redeemer lives, a little reassurance of his love and pressence would be a great boost to me now...

I am done whining, and while my baby is distracted, I think i will go take a shower alone!!!!, and put my pajamas on...I am praying tomorrow will be a better day....and i need to check and see if Ben glows in the dark tonight, his nuclear scan is tomorrow, and he is radioactive!!!!

mardi gras

Today is Mardi Gras, and i am so tired , i can barely put one foot in front of the other. I slept 2 hours last night...I had planned a family party, but i don't have the energy or interest to do it.

Ashley is recovering, but still very ill. I would like to say Ben and I are recovering, but we are still very shaken, and my auto -immune yuck flared up due to the stress. I am having a hard time catching up on the dreaded laundry...maybe if the kids just went naked for a few days, or didn't change clothes so often i could catch up.

I have home health nurses coming in every day to take care of her wounds, and you can't find my garage door, because the laundry is hiding it...if i hid it in the laundry room, i couldn't get to the washing machine..

I have no parade planned, no games, no fun meal or desserts, i have laundry planned, and maybe a nap....somehow between now and 3:00, i need to come up with some sort of idea for tonight, a fun and easy menu, and a dessert that can make it self...

I am going to put on a pot of coffee, get dressed, and read Alexandra her zoo book, who knows i may have a wonderful idea, i may just go back to bed...

Yesterday, i folded massive quantities of laundry, and laid down beside Ashley to rest for a minute and fell sound asleep...sleep sounds much better than work, and i think i need the sleep more than we need the laundry done...now that is a desperate situation

Where to begin

It seems a lifetime ago, that we went to Ok City, and attended the Catholic Womens Conference. it seems forever ago, that Ashley showed me the red area in her groin. We put hot compresses on it, and decided to check in with the Dr.s office.

The nurse said, I was doing the right thing, and she was already on antibiotics, keep an eye on it, and check back in.

A week ago today, in the lifetime i have lived since then, my dear Ashley grew sicker by the day. Monday she got up from a nap after school, sobbing that she couldn't stand or walk. The entire right side of her groin was involved, she couldn't stop crying, and we heading straight to the emergency room.

The er Dr. looked at her, and left the room, he contacted a surgeon at another hospital, and told us her condition was serious, very serious life threatening, and she was being admitted to another hospital under the care of the chief surgeon.

We drove silently in the snow, not quite believing what we were told, not really comprehending the information, serious words, medical phrases, scary sentences....

They admitted her to the hospital and began massive doses of i.v. antibiotics, abcess, staph, MRSA...the unknown....

Tuesday, the area ruptured, all along the crease of her leg, more antibiotics, demerol, and then they took my daughter into surgery...sick with grief, sick with fear, lack of sleep,pain, no answers, no information...

Ashley came out of surgery with 2 incision packed with gauze. All the dead tissue had been removed, and the Dr. said, how did i know...he didn't know, he didn't know how deep and serious it was until he got in....The infection extended all the way from her groin to the pelvic wall, but did not perforate it, it also reached the femoral artery and stopped. A few more hours, one more day, and my daughter would have died...

She was saved by Gods grace, or as i call it the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear...giving me a sense of urgency and fear, i couldn't explain...

She was annointed tuesday night, and wed, Fr. Adrian brought us communion...she has been prayed over and prayed for by people all over the country... nurses, housekeepers, teachers, church friends, people we don't really know called and sent messages, we are praying for her...She was lifted up not only by the Catholic community, but several Baptist Churches, the Methodist church, and 2 Pentecostal churches.

Why does it take something terrible for Gods' people to put aside theological differences, and unite in prayer? i am so grateful for all the prayers offered on my families behalf.

I can never thank Billie and Bobbie enough for all the help with the children this week. Tonight we came home from a 5 day hospital stay...and while things are crazy(that is my norm) the laundry is unspeakable(that is almost my norm) So many things just don't matter to me right now.

I got to hold my 2 little ones for the first time since Monday. Ashley was in isolation, and i never left her, and i didn't want the other children to come to the hospital, i was afraid of spreading the infection no matter how unlikely..

it has been an incredibly long week, i am not sure how many years have passed in this week, it feels like an eternity, like a lifetime has passed, but the calendar says 5 days...

We are all so tired, we are all so grouchy, and some of us are in terrible pain, my children are happy to see me, my dogs they are happy to see me, the washing machine hasn't stopped since i walked in the door.

Ashley has had to sing the frog song, patty-cake and bye-low baby bunting, and rooster,pullet, hen..she has also had her nose stolen several time...

I am thrilled my daughter is on the mend, she will be under the care of home-health for a while, and it may take a month to six weeks for her to recover...blessings...blessings...blessings

I am so looking forward to crawling into my clean sheets, putting my head on my down pillows, and pulling mycovers up over my head...for the first time since Sunday night, i can sleep in my bed!!!!!!!

not a drip, or a drop, or a dribble

I heard last night, about 9:30, that our water service was about to be restored. I went to bed with high hopes. The hopes were dashed when i realised through the night that my taps had nothing but air.

We had to go pick up another few days worth of drinking water late last night, because i knew Ben would not have a chance with me gone...

I have seriously considered not going away, but everything is paid for, and the reservations are made. I am supposed to be leaving in 3 & 1/2 hours to drive to OKC for the Catholic Womens Conference on Sat.

I need to get supper into the crockpot, the house straightened up, and floors swept. Christian and Alexandras' clothes laid out, so Timmi won't have to look for things. Timmi is coming down to stay with the children, Ben will be home from work this afternoon, and Kyle is coming over when he gets off work today.

I know in my heart, they are all fully capable of handling this situation, I know Timmi is an able and capable young woman. The children will be fine with her, and the water situation will be tough on her also, but she will have help.

I can't help but feeling though, that i am abandoning ship. I really wouldn't worry about leaving overnight if we had water...leaving them without does give me pause...

The sun came out and briefly said hello, today, we haven't had sunshine in 9 days, so any glimpse is a welcome one. Yesterday, with the wet, and damp, and gloom, and carrying all those buckets of water in caused my overtasked body to just almost shut down...the kidney pain was extreme, and by 6:30 when Ben and Ashley returned home i just laid down, I was too much pain to eat supper...I did however, eat 7 oreos yesterday....

Maybe, the conference will do more than restore my spirit, maybe a night away from the madness will refresh me, and i can face all the challenges of my life with a renewed spirit. The worst thing about constant pain is it saps my tolerance, and my joy...somedays i really struggle to be nice...the added stressors of no power, no water just send me over the top...

They tell me we are getting an entirely new water system, and it will take about 9 months. Now, i have lived long enough to know, that if they are estimating 9 months it will be 2 years give or take in good ol' boy time, cause like Papaw always said, them old boys, they are always fixin' to.

And if you have ever lived in the south you, know fixin' to translates to when i get around to it...when are you going to clean the kitchen Ashley? Mama, I am fixin' to...see i am quite experienced with fixin to...

As for me, i am fixin to, get off here, and put away the laundry ,do 8 hours of work in 2 back my bags, make myself somewhat presentable, get in the car...take Ashley, Nicole, and Tiffiany and run away for the day...the only nagging thought now is ...should i have asked Timmi? she and Kyle aren't married yet, and she doesn't feel very comfortable with catholic things in general, did i make a mistake in not inviting her?

Time will tell...Have a great weekend

friends to the rescue

Bobbie Sue was my babysitter when she was in high school. She and her younger sister Billie have been helping me in so many ways for years. Anytime, I have been in the hospital, or needed someone to watch the children Billie and Bobbie have stepped in.

They are very dear to me. Bobbie had a fire at her house Sunday due to a tree falling and hitting a line, and then hitting her house. They came home within minutes of it started and no major damage was done to their home.

Things have been restored, and they are back in their home with power, and water, I might add. Bobbie called to check on me yesterday, and i told her we were completely without water. So she invited and i down for a bath party. After school, I loaded up a van full of children and tons of dirty clothes.

We started Bobbies' washing machine, and then we started her bathtub. It felt so good to take a hot shower. In all 8 of us got cleaned up, and i did 4 loads of laundry. I left Ashley to spend the night with Bobbie since she still isn't up for school, and they were planning to watch movies last night and have a laundry party and finish my laundry.

Ben is going to pick up Ashley and my laundry, on his way home from work tonight. I am praying our water will be restored today. It seems when they turned the power back on yesterday, they discovered, one of the pumps had burnt up because of all the power surges...

The tower is completley empty, and will take time to refill, hopefully, they will have the pump replaced, and the water back on tonight...

We are having to haul buckets of water in to flush the toliets, and wash dishes, We prepared for this contingency, but really don't like it. It is raining today, and so the buckets we have emptied are strategically placed for maximum run-off.

Granny is pleased, she raised my right, but wondered outloud when did i stop being a native californian, and turn into an okie? Maybe the fact that everyone that raised me was country folk helped in that, and all my life, i listened to stories of how things were done, and i guess to my credit , i listened and remembered...i only wish i had that to ask questions...as a child it seemed like ancient history, not things that would one day be relevant to me and my children...

My ob/gyn has no other patients with a large family, i have the most children and pregnancies of anyone she has delivered...they have been saying i am of advanced maternal age since i was 37, if i become pregnant again does that make me of ancient maternal age at 44? For some reason, that irritates me...

She has sent me to consult with a perinatalogist twice during my last 3 pregnancies, and he said he had first time moms' older than i am , and was not concerned..

I am not making an announcement of any kind, there are days when i miss having a tiny baby, and there are days when i don't. I guess thats' normal.

I have days when the sheer insanity of dealing with toddlers and teenagers, make me want to pull someones hair. I am not certain which age can be more unreasonable...especially when the teenager is arguing with the toddler.

Things are looking up today, i still don't have any water, but last night, i had a lovely hot shower, and brought home clean children and 4 loads of laundry, and the dirty laundry i left will be returned, tonight, clean and folded. That is a good thing...because there are probably 10 more loads of laundry lurking in my laundry room...things that were not deemed urgent...

Ivoleta

My dear friend Ivoleta works at the county barn, she runs the office, while the men take care of all the rural roads in this part of the county. She called to check on me today, because she hears everything, and new our water system was out again.

She always makes me laugh, at myself, at my life, at the terrible stuff going on we talk about it and then laugh about. She always ends a conversation with girl your'e crazy as hell...and she's right.

Today I was threatening to get my shot gun, find the nearest OG&E crew and escort them to our water tower, the rural water tower that is still without power, the same one that the generator is unable to pump the water to fill the tower, to provide water to all us rural water residents...she said crazy girl, if you're thinking like that, some hillbilly is going to do it, and all i said was it is about time....

She also told me, that for the first time in the history of Sacred Heart, Sunday Mass was cancelled. Combine an ice storm, with no power at the church, and Fr. Adrian felt it was too cold, and too dangerous. I was completely shocked...what is ice, and cold , mere freezing temperatures to a Benedictine Monk? Altar society is cancelled tomorrow, and all classes at church this week...

I related my prairie adventures to Ivoleta, and she said all she had to struggle through was with her husband and her little dogs...she couldn't imagine what it was like to cope in the dark with no water and 9 people in the house...I am so glad we have power tonight, I am so tired of being cold, but i really want to catch up on my laundry before the children move out, or i die...

I am praying to have water tomorrow, lots of water, lovely hot water, i want to take the longest hot shower ever....alone...completely alone....no babies, no teenagers talking to me, no boys banging on the door to tell on their brother, and for safetys sake, i will deadbolt my bedroom door, so Sean cannot pick the bathroom lock, and let Christian and Alexandra in the bathroom with me...

Maybe, I should just drive over to Ivoletas' and take a shower there, at least it would be quiet..

The snow lay on the ground

-Day 5 of the ice storm saga~ Our power was restored tonight, and we are all thrilled.
Even better than the lights, is the wonderful heat-hot water in my bathroom, and the ability to use my washer and dryer hoorah!!!

Things were so incredibly difficult, my body has really had a difficult time keeping up with everything demanded of it. Getting up around the clock to keep the fire stoked, the children all camping in the living room, because it was the only room with heat. Cold, and dark reduces even the largest home into a small central area.

My bedroom, the living and dining area, the kitchen and Alexandras' room, all on the main floor, had the most light, and the only source of heat...

I am going to put down some of my thoughts on life in the dark, because, i just may forget it until next time....

We are back in survival mode. After the power shut off, and came buck up 7 times Thurs. afternoon, at 4:00 p.m. we lost power for good.

Our preparations were a very good idea, the only thing i didn't consideer in my menu planning and food was the small detail of an electric oven-

Nicole made chicken tortilla soup, and later we had graham crackers and herbal tea in front of the fireplace, by candlelight.

Ashley read stories to the children-they all fell asleep pretty early with no lights, or noise. I got up with Ben at 5:00am, because his thermals had gone into hiding, so i had to find them-i crawled back under the covers and fell asleep.

It had been a difficult night. Alexandra woke up around 11:00pm, and wanted a bowl of cereal. She kept insisting it is too dark in here, turn the lights on.

The sound of ice coating the trees kept me awake most of the night-It is so quiet and looks like a scene from the chronicles of Narnia-the icicles hanging off everything.

The trees are covered in ice, and are all groaning from the weight. The terrifying sound of limbs snapping and crashing to the ground is so unique, even sad.

I love my trees, the native pecan, oak, sycamore, magnolia and the shade trees around the house have all been damaged.

From the house I can see 5 trees with huge limbs on the ground, the freezing temperatures in my room woke me this morning, the fire was dangerously low,and there was no wood left in the house.

I collected some wood from the porch and added kindling to get things warmed up and going, but it took a while.

I found one of my camp coffee pots, and even though the electric started won't work on my stove, we are able to light the gas with a match....

We had coffee, milk and homemade don-nuts for breakfast, it is very hard to cook in a dark kitchen-i put some mirrors around the candles to reflect the light. We ate breakfast in the formal dining room, the windows face west, and we have a lot of light in there.

We took the wet laundry out of the dryer, and hung it on hangers in the sun room to dry. I had the boys carry in a lot of firewood ,put 2 cases of water in the garage,along with 3 gal. of milk

We picked up every room, swept the floors, put away laundry and fed the animals.

We have spent a lot of time watching the birds. It is all bird channel all the time. I have 8 pairs of cardinals-some very fat chickadees, a woodpecker, and one very mean blue jay. Without the distraction of the t.v., computer, and video games, my children have kept very entertained by my birds.

After getting everything in order, i retreated to the warmth and comfort of my bed.

I am in extreme pain from the r/a and fibromialgia. I have so many layers of clothers on and i am under 4 blankets with gloves on because my fingers hurt so bad. Keeping me company are 2 tea cup chiahuahuas and Nicoles' crazy cat Miss Kitty.

The ice has turned to snow, and we have snow on top of the iced branches, and the ground blanketed in big, fluffy snow.

Ashley got Mr. Chaucer her bunny out of his cage so Christian could cuddle hime, she said her bunny was cold-Christian turned a brown and black bunny loose in the living room-a very dark living room-we all joined in the bunny hunt.

We finally found him hiding behind a cushion on the couch!!!

Andrews' lizard Gordon has taken up residence on my sun porch as we have a gas heater in their. He is under a blanket, they are hoping he survives this weather...

And so our days have gone...very busy, very cold, very exhausting, but at night huddled together in front of the fire, reading the chronicles of Narnia to my children as they drift off to sleep together, i must admit, life is simple and sweet. More difficult than you can imagine, but there is a beauty in the simplicity, and i know God is with us...he has met our needs, and preserved my family safely through this time...

I don't know how long it will last, but for this moment, i am enjoying, the light, and the heat, and being able to use my washer and dryer....later today i will begin preparations for round 2, when Andrews' friend delivers another rick of firewood, and i start getting things in order all over again...

prairie life

We have made our preparations for the storm, and it is looking to be a real doozy. The firewood is stacked, buckets of water ready, drinking water in the house, kindling in a bucket, propane, and camp stove ready, and food in the pantry.

I know our preparations sound excessive, but we have been iced in at times for over a week. Without electricity and water. They had to bring massive portable generators in to run the pumps on the tower a few years ago, which shut everything down.

Our water is still not safe for personal use, or drinking, they don't know what kind of bacteria may be lurking in it, and until the EPA, gives the green light, we have to collect bottled water at City Hall every few days, for our use. I am very grateful to the Chicaksaw, Seminole, and Pottawatomie Nations for providing our drinking water. You see, while I am technically a citizen of the U.S. of A. , I live in the heart of the Seminole Nation, and the Nations, take care of the Nations...

Ashley is seriously ill, she is down with bronchiitis, and with her, it can turn to pneumonia at any time, this is really not a good time to be iced in. Alexandra, and Christian are also ill, and irritable. They take turns coughing, crying and keeping me up most of the night. it is so hard on little ones to be ill. They really don't know what to do, but cling and cry...

I am watching for the school bus. I expect them to turn school out any time now, and there will be no school tomorrow. I-40, is already a skating rink in places, and I am praying Ben will be able to get home from work, and Andrew into work safely. I am hoping my family will all be safely around me soon.

About that time of course, the noise level with hit nerve shattering pitch, and i will have to be sent to my room for a time out...i may have to call Ben and tell him to bring Dr. Pepper and chocolate while he is in town...i don't know what i was thinking not getting a supply of the true necessities of an ice storm...

They are expecting 2 inches of ice and about 4 inches of snow in our area, it is supposed to last through Monday, I really hope they are wrong, but Ok forecasters usually aren't...

I was sitting in bed this morning with my 2 sleeping sickies, trying to keep my eyes open drinking a cup of coffee, when Little House on the Praire came on, and i just turned them off...life wasn't really simple and sweet then, it was just plain hard. you didn't have time to do outside things, because all your time was consumed with trying to survive...

Light,heat, water, laundry , food all would take every moment of every day, i can imagine on a small scale,how difficult this must have been. I wonder if you didn't know any difference, if that made it easier...

Light switches that don't turn anything, taps with air, and no water, washing machines that don't do anything, toliets that don't refill...these are the realites of modern life, when the things we take for granted like electricity and water aren't available....

I am praying the lines don't ice, the power stays on, and even our limited water supply continues to flow...and i remember, my strength is in the Lord, and these things are temorary and temporal, and will hopefully someday soon be just a memory

crazy house on the prairie

We have been having such an adventure lately with no water. Hauling water to wash dishes, flush toliets, bathe children, it is very time consuming and difficult.

Ashley has to drive to city hall regularly to get us a supply of drinking water. We spent an interseting Sat. afternoon, with buckets of water, and washboards, in about 40 degree weather, with a freezing north wind...loads of fun...

Ashley is so tired of having to haul and boil water to wash dishes...we are using paper plates, and plastic stuff as much as possible, but we stilll have dishes, bowls and pots and pans....

Alexandra and Christian had a great time sitting in the shower in my industrial size stock pot, they thought they were taking a bath. We just stood them up to wash their hair and soap them up, and then they sat in my pot...I wish it was that easy for the rest of us...but, alas we don't fit in the pot.

We have limited water right now, and i don't know when it will return to normal, but i am praying it is very soon. We still can't use it for eating, drinking, cooking, or teeth brushing. We aren't supposed to bathe the babies in it because they might drink it, so they all had to take a shower...Alexandra protested...but she eventually lined all her ducks up ;in the shower...

Ashley didn't attack the kitchen today, and it is the biggest mess imaginable...Oh well, theres' always tomorrow, thats if we still have water...

Wednesday, we have to collect as much water as possible, and kindling. Andrews' friend is supposed to deliver us a load of firewood. A huge snow storm is supposed to hit on Thursday, one that is supposed to bring ice and high winds, which could mean power outages, which has in the past meant no power, and no water... we have to prepare for the possibilities.

Maybe it will all just go away, no ice, no more snow, no power outages, no more school closings. I am frankly sick of winter, and looking forward to spring....

Nicole and I have decided we are not cut out for the little house on the prairie, we don't like hauling water, we don't like camp bathing, and we absolutely hate doing laundry on washboards...

woe is me

My neighbor Debbie called this morning, to give me a water update. We have had water since Sat. , but it can't be used for dishes, drinking, etc. it has to be boiled first. Many of my neighbors are still without water, and they are on day 11 of no water.

The tower can't keep up with the drain on the system, so they are turning off the limited water until Sun. or Mon.

I will admit my first inclination was to sit down and have a good cry, but not knowing when Abe would shut it down, the Mama in me began collecting water in anything and everything available in order to flush toliets, wash dishes, and camp bathe my household.

I wanted to be depressed, but i am not, i was irritated, but quickly offered a prayer for Abe who is working around the clock almost single handed now that everyone has left him, and for Debbie who is receiving a lot of angry calls. Most people out here are pragmatic, and go with the flow. We are what you would call country folk...people who deal with what needs to be done...

I have floors that desperately need mopping, if you added water to them, you just might get mud, and then i thought of the poor people that only have mud for floors, no walls, no ceiling, no end in sight...how ungrateful i am ....i really love turning on the taps, and having lots of hot water whoosh out, how disheartening it is to turn on your taps, and nothing happen...

It was while i was franticallly filling buckets, and pots, and things, my mother called. She is still dealing with the mess left by the robbers, that stole her earthly possessions, trashed her home, and left her nervous and unsettled...she told me my 30 year old nephew is still in critical condition, and the Dr.s have declared his colon cancer to have invaded his liver and be stage 4...My sister Anita is beside herself with grief....she can't speak, sleep, eat...

I ask your prayers, for Matthew, his wife, My sister Anita and her husband Steve, and the rest of the family...

After speaking to my Mother, the inconvenience of my water situation seemed so small, so minor, we will cope, and move on...the little challenges of life, God give them your strength to face the big ones...

Give your comfort to my sister who's heart is breaking, help her to face what she can't...help me too...words offer no comfort at a time like this, so i will offer up my sacrifices, and hope she finds comfort in your love...

Christmas Time.

Homecoming 2010

life is a rhyme

I think I read too much Dr. Seuss as a child. My brain rhymes things all the time. I usually don't tell people because it's weird. Very weird.

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have had so much on my mind, and i stay so busy during the day. It seems my brain needs extra time to tell me what is going on. I lay there in bed with my brain twirling and whirling around...no rest, no peace, no resolution.

I have tried journaling like my Dr. suggests. It seems this is very common in people with fibromialgia. Last night around 12:30, I gave up, and started writing in my journal. Ben opened one tired eye, and said what in the heck are you doing?

I am writing to do lists, and schedules, and menus, and chore lists, I am writing down who I am mad at and why, what i am scared about,where i am supposed to be and when...what hurts, and what i should do about it...the worst of it is, it is all in rhyme...

Theres' too much, theres' too many thoughts in my head, too many things to do, too many lists, too many rhymes. Never a moment, never enough time-

I'm all about work, I have no time to play, i forget about reading, I struggle to pray-

I am stressed out and tapped out, exhausted and weary, my head is so foggy, my eyes oh so bleary-

I wrote my lists like this, and everything on my mind. I finally turned out the light and went to sleep.

It has finally happened, i have joined the wrapped too tight club...p.s. I just checked my list, and i am supposed to be getting dressed and doing laundry...time to get to work...drats

Waiting on the lord

I haven't had a scripture for the year yet. I knew it would come to me, it would arrive. And so, I waited. I waited, and waited, i knew i was just waiting on the lord, and his timing.

A few days ago it dawned on me, the lord had spoken to my heart, i was just a little slow in responding.

Isaiah 40-31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mouny up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.

Homecoming 2010

Ashley came home from school early on Friday, so I could fix her hair, paint her nails, and put her make-up on her. I did an elaborate woven pattern with the top of her hair half back. She wanted to wear it straight, and it was all i could come up with.

I bought "diamond" butterfly clips to put on each section, and it was really pretty. Ashleys' escort Lucien has been her friend since pre-k , and teased her the whole time they were up in the court, and there is my daughter laughing hysterically through the whole thing.

She won the discussion by the way, and wore her brand new cow-boy boots under her formal. It seems to have been a wise decision, as the other girls were all in very high heels, and had no idea how to walk in them. Ben leaned over and asked what was wrong with those girls? Were they crippled? It was pretty funny...

Ashley walked past the Superintendant, and he said good evening Miss Boots, you are looking lovely this evening, and she laughed and lifted her dress so he could see her boots, and they both cracked up...

Ashley's friend CJ won this year, and Ashley was very happy for her, and as she walked away 2 of the teachers stood up to applaud her, and they yelled you'll always been the Queen of our hearts...and cheered more. She was really tickled by them...One is her 4-H advisor, and the other, her favorite English teacher..

I am glad it is all over, I am glad she is happy with the outcome...her Dad even let her and Lee drive the cougar to Sonic in Wewoka Fri. night for ice cream...she is a big girl now...

I am completely over joyed the water came back on Sat. , not so much happy about the amount of laundry i need to catch up....by Gods' Grace, i'll get there, either that or it will be summer, and i won't have to worry about that winter clothes anymore...just kiddidng...i am not quite that bad.

little chickadees

Bens' alarm went off at 4:40 as usual, and i am sad to say, the tag team was in bed with us. They both sat straight up, yeah is it morning. Despite my insistence it wasn't morning, they both got up.

I really hate whining, snarling and griping first thing in the morning, and tried my best to get everyone back into bed, but no luck. I just had to suck it up fix breakfast and put the coffee on. 2 cups later, i still want to crawl back in bed, and now my 2 year old has decided to sit down and cry. I don't know why she is crying, and she doesn't know why she is crying, it is just one of those things.

We have a really busy day ahead of us. Tonight is Home-coming, and Ashley is the candidate for 4-H. They voted yesterday, and she voted for another girl, i asked her why? and she said everyone knows you can't vote for yourself. I said yes, you can. Who do you think John McCain voted for Barack Obama? What if you lose by the margin of one vote, yours...

She laughed, Mom, I don't care about winning home-coming queen. I just like wearing a pretty dress, and getting my hair and make-up done. Okay, that's good to know.

Her day of beauty makes for a very busy day for me. She is coming home after lunch so i can put the laces back in her dress, tack up the gathers she pulled out, fix her hair, nails, and make-up with little sleep and 2 grouchy toddlers. Feed the troops, and be at the school by 5:00.

I think we will eat the enormous pot of soup i made yesterday again, with some grilled cheese sandwiches. Alexandra already thinks it is lunch time and is eating a bowl now. Come to think of it, we have been up almost 4 hours , and that soup smells pretty good....She is on bowl # 2, and i put the whole pot in my crock-pot, so i don't have to think today...

We had water for 2 hours last night, but the pressure is really low and not drinkable. I was only able to do one load of laundry, but i did get everyone bathed. I hope they are able to resolve this today. i had to do Alexandras' laundry this morning by hand on a wash-board, i know Granny will get a kick out of that. When you have a young lady potty-training, accidents happen quite often, and little panties have to be washed out quickly.

Even with the water turned on, our water pressure wasn't normal, so i am calling the command center this morning to check in. I don't know whether to be annoyed or amused, so i go back and forth.

Ben is still not doing well. He has been driving to work again, but we are really keeping a close eye on him. His ultrasound showed some blockage in the carroted arteries, but nothing major. They are going to continue treating it with medication. They also found a nodule on his thyroid, and he is going in for a nuclear scan on 1/26, so they can get a better look at it. He sees a neurologist on 2/1 , and hopefully, the neurologist will be able to sort this all out. It is really upsetting for him, and scary for me.

I am trying to convince Christian it is nap-time, but he isn't going for it, he insists it is morning time, not nap-time. I have Alexandra convinced, maybe he will bring the bat cave, bat-man, and the bat mobile into my room, and play with them, while we rest for a little bit...pillows, soft sheets, down comforter...it is calling my name...

Good Night, ummm good morning...good nap-time? good riddance!!!!

oh dreaded water problems

My neighbor Steph called to give me the latest water update, the scope of the water problem is so great that the Seminole Nation cannot handle it. The Chickasaws are hauling water in for us. After school, Ashley gets to go the the fire station and bring home drinking water and toliet flushing water.

Tonight from 7:00- 10:00, they will be turning the water back on. We are supposed to shut everything off, and check our meters for movement. If we have a leak, we need to contact the command station at the fire department, which will send warm bodies out tomorrow to look for a leak.

This is so much fun, i don't know. It really makes me feel for the people around the world who deal on a daily basis with the struggle for clean water. I know this is an inconvenience, that will be fixed eventually. For some of our brothers and sisters, this is their day to day reality.

Lord, help me to be grateful for what i have, and to be aware, of others who suffer daily. Give me compassion and love for these people, and give me my water back soon. Amen...

out of the mouth of babes

Christian said Mom, I think it is about time for one of your black chocolates(dove dark chocolate)smart boy, and so we did. I did make the mistake of unwrapping Alexandras' for her, and had to rewrap it, I'll do it myself syndrome.

laundry overload

I have been doing laundry like an insane woman, and everyday, i get up and face an insane amount of laundry all over again...I have been feeling like it would never, ever end.

I went to turn the machine on last night about 10:30, and the water didn't sound right as it entered the machine. Ashley was just getting out of the shower, and she said the water pressure was off. I then found out the entire town was out of water...

The school, the city of Sasakwa, the rural water system, and the rural Holdenville system...no water...if we wanted to be in nowata, we would have moved there.

The situation is so bad, they are hauling water in to the school, state officials are on site to help, and FEMA is here...thats right, FEMA is in podunk Oklahoma.

They are trying to repair the lines as quickly as the leaks are reported. The theory is, during the recent blizzard all sorts of water lines froze, the past few days we have gone above freezing , and as the lines thawed they burst. The burst lines caused all the local water towers to drain, and in a blink everyone for miles and miles around are out of water....

Everyone that knows the lay of the land here, has been roped in to walk the lines looking for leaks. The Towers have been refilled, but they cannot turn the generators on until they know the lines are repaired, and no pipes are broken...

Guide them Lord, as they walk this rough cold freezing cold actually terrain...this is not the prairie of t.v., it is hilly and wooded, and rugged in lots of places...i am grateful the rattlesnakes are hibernating. We have lots of snakes here, coyotes, even bear...watch over the workers, as they sort this out..

How did i find out all the ins and outs when everyone involved is out working the situation? I called the school secretary, she knows everything!!!!!!!!!

I guess i needed a break from washing clothes, and i know some rest, a day off would be great, but Lord, no water, that is not my idea of a break, and hauling water to flush toliets, is not something i would want to do on a day off....how about i agree to rest, and you help them find the problem and fix my water...thank you..

survival of the fittest

The past week has been a whirlwind. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and having serious brain bubbles.

Granny fell and broke her hip Tuesday night. She had surgery on Thursday night to repair the break. This is the 2nd time she has broken her left hip. She will be in the hospital about a week, and then she will be transferred to rehab to begin the tough work of walking again.

I have really been afraid something like this would happen with her so weak and frail from this bout of shingles, and the pain meds disorienting her.

After i left for the hospital Thursday, Sean began vomiting, Christian started in the wee hours of Sat. morning, Lola was the next to succumb. Ben came down with it Sat. night, followed by Connor, Jonathan, me, Nicole and Ashley...

Between worrying about Granny, and the 2 little ones taking turn vomiting on me , and all over the house, i am totally out of it. The virus hit me harder than anyone else. While it seemed to affect the others for about 24 hours, i am still weak, dehydrated , and i have just started drinking. Gatorade, not tequila....i have eaten a piece of toast in 3 days, and lost 7 lbs. Talk about a crash diet...

To really make my day, i discovered this afternoon 3 of the boys had head lice....any moms worst nightmare...the 2 older boys had been to a friends house recently, thank goodness, i found it quickly.

On top of mopping up from the virus, and all the laundry that entails, i have had to spray all the furniture, put all the pillows into the dryer, bag the boys baseball hats, and strip everything and i can't even begin to calculate how many loads of laundry i need to do...

I haven't got around to finding a new scripture for this year, i guess i am waiting for it to find me..

My house is a wreck, and unfortunately, i have no volunteers for the clean-up crew. Ashley has been assigned to find my kitchen, Nicole is putting away laundry, and bathing the babies, I am cleaning the living room, and doing laundry...I wish my stomach was settled enough to eat chocolate, i really need a chocolate fix...my Christmas decorations are still 3/4 up.

Tomorrow is Jonathans' 11th birthday, and i don't think i can possibly have the house clean and sanitized, un-decorated and birthday decorated by tomorrow evening...i am still feeling pretty rough, and just too tired to know where to start...maybe i can convince Jonny to have his birthday dinner on Wed. the thought of making chicken parmesian turns me green...

Dear Lord, i know you never send us more than we can handle, but i have hit overload here, and i need some help...please send the house fairy to repair my little world...but first, send your best angels to watch over Granny as she goes through this difficult time...she is your faithful servant,and needs a little boost...