how do you spell miracle

I knew even after the devastating loss of Luke, I wanted to have another baby, I also knew it would take time to heal. It was a very difficult spring and summer, i was unusually quiet. One Sunday morning, Sept 15, 2002 on the feast day of our Lady of Sorrows, we arrived early to put flowers on Lukes' grave and on the altar at church. I felt very ill at church, and passed out in the parking lot. Friends drove us home, and that's how my roller coaster ride began. I spent the first 3 months on and off bed-rest. They let me up, but on limited activity after i lost Seans' twin brother.

I took progesterone injections 3 times a week until my 7th month, and just when we thought things were calming down, i had the most horrendous attack of pain in my life, I thought i was dying, and passed out from the pain. Ben found me, and off we went to my Drs' office. In 5 minutes the Dr. had diagnosed the pain and nausea I had been suffering from for months. My regular Dr. attributed the pain to grief, not severe gall-bladder disease.

I can't do anything half-way, and since i had just entered my 7th month, they would have to remove my gall-bladder with a full abdominal incision, which would send me into premature labor, blah, blah, blah.

I was hospitalized with severe dehydration, premature labor, and too much protein in my urine the end of March. The Dr. intended to deliver after May 5, which was 4 weeks early, my due date was May 28. I was frightened and lonely, and very far away from home. I saw the other children only twice during this ordeal. Ben would drive up on his days off and stay at the hospital with me. Phone calls from family and friends, visits from the chaplain staff worked to keep my spirits up.

By the end of April, I was in such bad shape, my Dr. decided to send me to labor and delivery, she said my life was at risk, and i needed to deliver. I argued, cried, begged, I was terrified if something went wrong, it would be my fault. A very kind nurse, reminded me I was in the best hospital in the state, with one of the best NICU in the country, and my Dr., she was the absolute best. I gave in. As I was already in labor, they gave me my epidural, and let me rest, then the crazy nurse wouldn't leave me alone, turning me this way and that way...She did everything but stand me on my head... A few minutes later, my Dr, and her partner were in my room explaining the baby was in distress, and we were headed to the OR now...

Sean Patrick Charles was born just a few minutes later, he spent 3 days in the Nicu, but made a full recovery. I had my gallbladder removed 2 days later, and we came home from the hospital when Sean was 9 days old. I was in bad shape for a while there. My older children took turns taking care of us until school let out. Nicole who was only 7 bathed, and rocked, changed diapers and would whisper to her baby brother, I'm your other mother.

No one would ever know my wild child had such a rocky start in this world. He is full of energy, and attacks the world at full speed. He is exceptionally smart, extremely stubborn, and is not sure he needs to take no for an answer. My parents said it is my own fault. I gave him a full blown irish name, for my full blown irish heritage. Kyle picked his first name, we were undecided for quite a while, and Kyle said what about Sean. I thought we might as well make my Mom and Dad happy with Patrick for my Mom Patti and Charles for my Dad.

We are having a family party for Sean and he wants a rock band to play, so all the big ones agreed to play and sing for him, so he can have a real band play for his party. I have a million things to do tomorrow including making a cake that looks like BatMan. Thank Goodness Ben is going to buy the pizzas' that will save me and Kyle a lot of extra work.

Happy 6th Birthday, Sean Patrick Charles, you have brought such joy to my life, i love you

blessings

For several months Ben has had abnormal blood work. Not that anything about him falls in the range of normal, but this was very scary. He was anemic, and his blood platelets were between 35,000 and 44,000. This is below in the cellar, and the nurse wanted me to check him for unusual bruising, and if he began to bleed go to the ER immediately.

After the 3rd abnormal test, his cardiologist set him up with a Dr. he went to school with. Dr. Reynolds is a hematologist/oncologist. I just kept praying dearGod no, please no. We have been through so much, and we are so content right now, i just didn't think i had the strength to face another major crisis. The Cardiologist didn't want to waste precious time waiting to find out what was going on, because if it was serious, we might need that time for something else.

Ben was very calm about the whole thing, but he would talk about dying, and that it was okay, but he was worried about me and the children. One night after he had one of his dying conversations with me, i broke down crying. I told him, I will face whatever i have to when the time comes, but i don't want to deal with it prematurely.

Yesterday,we went to see Dr. Reynolds. I was so sick to my stomach, i thought i was going to throw up . There were several people in the office that day for chemotherapy, and it had me pretty rattled. Honestly, i was terrified. Bens' Dad, and Uncle both died from cancer, and he already had a heart attack last year, and the stints put in. He said, i just hope i didn't get the bad heart from my moms' side, and the cancer from my Dads.

The nurses were amazing. They tried to put us at ease, asked us if we were married, how long, if we had children, the usual questions. The nurse almost fell over when she found out how many children we had. She was reading their names on Bens' tattoo, all of these are yours together.

The Dr. was also wonderful to us. He spent a lot of time getting to know us as a couple and reviewing Bens' medical history. They did their own testing at the office, and Bens' platelets were better than normal, they were now 389,000 and no sign of anemia. The Dr. said it was a happy day for him, because it was the one time in every 6 months or so that he got to tell someone there was absolutely nothing wrong with them. I was so overcome, i didn't know whether to hug his neck, laugh, or cry. I think it was a combination of the 3. I was so happy to tell the nurse we didn't have to come back.

The only explanation he had was perhaps they were drawing his blood in the wrong type of tube for him, and his blood was clumping , and the count was inaccurate. I don't know, I really don't care , my husband is fine, and i feel like we have a whole new life to live. I know scary can be right around the corner, but for today all I can say is Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures, here below.....

On the ride home from Mercy Hospital, I looked up and saw a huge billboard with the picture of a sunrise on it. It said "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 ...I was completely floored. There on a billboard was a reminder of Gods' love and faithfulness for the likes of me.

I may be rambling today, i am not sure, after all the children went to bed, we locked ourselves in our bedroom turned on some soft music, and drank a bottle of champagne, we didn't go to sleep until well after 2:00am, life is sweet, but the consequences can be hard.

dating

I told the children when they were young, they had to wait until they were 16 to date. The boys didn't really date at all. They met the girls liked them, and started bringing them over. The week Ashley turned 16, i told her, i had serious reservations about the whole way dating is done, and i had changed my mind. She was upset with me, but nothing really happened until this week.

A young man that has been around for a long time, would come and talk to me when the children were in school, he shared that he had always had feelings for Ashley and always would. He was going to wait until she was ready to date him. He told Tiffiany he wanted to ask Ashley on a date, and what should he do....She said don't ask Mom, she'll say no. Ask Dad, thats your best chance, and by the way, Ashley can't go anywhere without a chaperone, we'll go with you.

He came over tuesday afternoon, and asked to speak privately with my husband. They had a man to younger man talk, and my husband said he could take her to dinner. Off she went on her first date, with her older brother and sister-in-law. They had a very nice time. This week they want to go to the movie, and Nicole and Tiffiany have agreed to go with them.

He told Ashley, I never knew anyone who sent chaperones on dates. She said, you have just never known anyone like my Mama and Daddy. They love me, and want to protect me. He said when can we go out on our own? I told her she can go on dates alone, when she is married....or when her father says otherwise.

It is time to straighten everything up around here, and make sure my bull isn't in the ditch.

your'e in a ditch

I talked to Granny yesterday regarding my little problem. I asked her if i should continue to clean on Sunday afternoons to please and honor my husband who works Thursday-Sunday and likes to come in Sunday night to a clean house. I have wondered if i was sinning by cleaning, and not keeping the sabbath.

Granny said there are 2 opinions on this . Papa Magar felt you should do no work, no matter what, but she said Grandpa R.C. had a biblical view also, and she felt that it was really more practical, and applicable to my life.

Granny said baby girl (it is so nice, to be the mother of so many, and still be someones' baby girl) your bull is in the ditch, and when your bull is in the ditch, you pull it out.

I feel at peace with her wisdom, she said God placed my husband in authority over me, and I was honoring God by honoring my husband. So i am going to follow her advice and pull that bull out of the ditch.

deja'-vu

Have you ever had one of those days, where everything that happened was been there done that. I am not referring to the repetitiveness of housework or even training children, because they are always different even though they are the same. I am really talking about life experiences.

Yesterday, Sean Patricks' kindergarten class was taking a field trip to the Jasmine Moran childrens museum. I had not been there since Ashley was little, and I went with Nicole and Connor to her field trip. I show up an experienced Mama with 2 littles in tow. I paid and went in. I started looking at the parents there on the trip. I have had children enrolled in this school since 1995, being a small community everyone knows everybody. I saw Shannon and her little boys, she graduated while the children were still small. Then I saw Billie Jo (our Billie) she babysat for me all through high-school, and is really a part of our family. Angel and Vanessa were Billie Jo's classmates, they both have little ones. I saw Casha, she is a year older than Andrew, she has 2 little girls. It was very strange. I am on the field trip with all these Moms' that i knew as girls, and they're now moms. They all wave and say hi Ms. Tucker or Ms. Kim, in oklahoma, it is bad manners for a child to call an adult by their first name.

To continue with my weird day, Jonathan brought me a note from one of his friends' mother. They wanted him and Connor to come over spend the night, and then go to his birthday party at his older sisters' house Sat. in Latta. I read the note and just laughed, I asked Jonathan if he had met Kenneths' Mother? He said yes, I then asked if she knew his last name was Tucker, he wasn't sure. I just kept laughing and shaking my head. He finally couldn't stand it anymore, and asked what was so funny. I explained his friend Kenneth was the half-brother of Josh and Jesse Van Tassel, and Sun-hawk and Nashoba Hill. These young men now 21,20 and 19 spent so much time at my home over the years. Andrew and Kyle camped in the woods with these boys, went fishing and hunting, swung off rope swings into the river, chased lizards, you name it these boys did it, and they did it together. Seasons of my life, watching these boys grow to men playing football all on the same team, playing base-ball and us Tag-teaming who they all were going home with after the baseball game. You couldn't take just 1 it was all. The list included Andrew,Kyle(brothers)Jesse, andJoshua(brothers)Sun-Hawkand Nashoba(brother) Phillipe(cousin), and may include other stragglers.

Now I find that while the big boys are working in North Carolina, and Jesse and Josh are at college, their baby brother and Mom are back. She never put 2and 2 together and come up with Jonathan and Connor. Jon doesn't look much like his older brothers. When Precious got directions to our house from Jonathan it hit her. She was stunned, she knew i had younger children, but she had lost count, and i hadn't seen her in years.

She jumped out of her and came running across the yard she reached Ashley first and just hugged her, then she threw her arms around me and said it is so good to be home. She asked if the boys could go with them to Feclia's house to help in the garden and play in the woods, It is so funny that all the big boys that spent so much time in my home, my younger sons, are playing and hanging out with their younger brothers.

These little boys that have grown up to be men, still stop in to see me when they come home, they hug me, and are on their best behaviour. It seems like I am starting over again, how does that go different verse, same as the first. I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a lot of Kenneth and Vicente over the summer. Now if I can survive once again all the mischief a herd of young boys can think of getting into, that will be the question.

I think for today, I will enjoy the quiet and just stay home....

be still

I spent all of last week in a whirlwind. Rushing around, getting things ready for prom, and trying to keep up with all my household duties shorthanded. Sunday morning when i got out of bed, I could barely walk, standing was painful, and my entire body hurt. I know the weather contributed to my pain, but i just don't seem to be able to follow Dr.s orders.

My rheumatologist has little idea what my days are like. When they asked me just what do you do, it irritated me, and i almost told them, i sit on my behind, eat bonbons, and wrangle cats and unruly chickens. If you don't have a large family, you really can't relate to all the work that has to be done.

I have for the most part ignored the part about slowing down and resting everyday. Ben is insisting i delegate more, and work less. This weekend, I am going to finally to finish each childs individual chore chart. I have a master list, that i work from, but maybe if they see it in black and white it will help keep them on track.

Sunday , while i was praying a scripture popped into my head. I thought about it all day. I think i need to listen to these little bits of wisdom, i know i am doing too much, and i have been trying to reconcile, honoring the sabbath, by not doing regular housework, and honoring my husband who works thursday-sunday and likes coming home sunday night to a house that is very clean. it is his Friday night, and he wants to come in and relax, with no clutter, floors swept, kitchen clean, no laundry visible...I am not really sure what to do about this, it really helps to ban the children and there things from my bedroom, and keeping it a haven for us. I am not sure how to keep the house ready for him Sun. Evening without working all Sunday afternoon. The childrens 3 day weekends really have taken a toll by then.

I guess i will continue to pray about it, and ask Granny what she think, she is awfully smart...oh and that scripture God sent my way this week...Psalm 46-10 Be still and know I am God.

prom 2009

Friday Night Sasakwa High School Jr. Sr. Prom was held at the East Central University Ballroom.. That sounds so simple, however, nothing that ever happens around here is simple..Ben insisted I take tuesday, our anniversary off from my regular chores, and wednesday the children had our party. Thursday, Ashley had an appointment to get her nails and toes done, she was also on the prom committee, and spent all week working on cut-outs and painting decorations.

Friday morning she and Tiffiany left at 8:30 am to go decorate and then head to the salon for their hair & make-up appointments . They planned to be home by 4:30, but things never, ever go as planned. I was supposed to start Timmis' hair at 3:00, but she didn't get here until 3:40. Things went pretty quickly, and I had her ready in plenty of time. With all the excitement, and planning, everyone thought someone told me that the entire group of teenagers was meeting at my house.

The first to show up was Tiffianys' mother, step-dad, and cousins, her mother through a full blown conniption fit on my porch because the girls had not returned from their appointments. She was thoroughly disgusted, that i had not been calling on the cell-phone to track them down.
I calmly informed that Tiff as she is wont to do had misplaced her cell-phone. Well, then she yelled call Ashleys'. I had to break the sad news to her, that Ashley does not have a cell-phone.

She went back to Andrews' to wait for Tiffiany so she could pounce on her the moment she got back. Andrew to his credit didn't ruffle, didn't care, and continued to play his game...He couldn't get dressed because the girls had picked up his tux for him, and so it went.

People began to show up at my house, Kyle and Timmi, Elmer, Shayla and Lane, Jordan, parents still no girls..about 5:20 they showed up, Tiffiany and her Mom got into an argument...Shayla and I distracted the Mom so the girls could all get dressed, in my bedroom with all the girls jammed in there trying to help everyone at the same time, get into their gowns....I had to get out the duck tape to keep the girls bras in place, as they wanted to show.

Ben managed to miss all the excitement, and couldn't figure out why clothes were thrown all over our bedroom, and none of them were mine, it looked like a tornado struck. The sun came out just in time to dry up the worst puddles, after everyone got their flowers exchanged and pinned on, we trooped out front to take pictures.

All of the couples looked very nice. We managed to get everyones picture taken, and then they all took off in a whirlwind to go eat supper at Applebees. They didn't care about being late for prom, their only time constraint was showing up in time for the promenade.

Yes, I said promenade...here, they still line up all the couples, and they walk across the walkway and down a flight of stairs where parents, and family members gather to ooh and aah at the girls beautiful dresses. I told Jordan to hold on tight to Ashley, I live in fear of her falling and reinjuring her hip. It would break my heart if she ended up back in that wheelchair. She made it just fine. She and Jordan looked great. Her royal blue dress, and his black on black tux really worked well together.

Tiffiany promised to post some pictures for me, I was really proud of all the children/oops, i mean young adults...after prom this high-tone group went to the 24 hour McDonalds for a gourmet snack of french fries and chocolate milk shakes....and after all i went through, getting these girls ready to go, they didn't bring me anything...Oh well, a moment on the lips....

25th anniversary

On April 14, 1984, Ben and i were married in the Pioneer Chapel in Hayward Ca. I really can't believe we have been married this long. Ben wanted to take me away for a nice rest, but i can't leave Alexandra, and Christian gets nervous after a day away from me. His plan b was to take the babies and go to Branson for a few days. I really wanted to wait until we could go away for a few days alone.

We didn't do anything grand or exciting, but we have had a lovely week. Tiffiany took the babies to Bobbies', tuesday morning, and Ben took me out for a nice quiet lunch alone....it was so nice. We ate and talked, then we walked around downtown and held hands. Later, that evening, all the children went over to Andrew and Tiffianys' for dinner and a movie. We had a romantic candlelite dinner, ate off our china, used his grandma's linens, and our crystal and had some champagne. The house was so quiet...We really enjoyed just spending time alone together.

Wednesday evening the children had a party for us with a few friends over. They served pink lemonade punch, and hors-d'oeuvres. Tiffiany baked a beautiful 4 layer cake with pink and white roses on it and pink and silver ribbons. Our wedding was pink and white, so they decorated in those colors. The children all pitched in and bought us a beautiful pair of silver candlesticks , at an antique store. The girls polished them until they gleamed. They sent me to me room while they cleaned and decorated. Nicole dressed up the babies, and when they let us out of our room, everything was so lovely. The boys hung white light and pink japanese lanterns in the yard. I was very proud of them for planning and taking care of everything.

Ben decided to take Thursday off, and took me out to breakfast, and then to Home Depot to buy more flowers for the front yard as my last ones froze to death when the blizzard came in. We have had a very mellow, low-key kind of anniversary, at least as mellow as it gets around here...I still can't quite believe we have been married 25 years. Ben and I looked at our wedding pictures, he said you really haven't changed, and i just look older..a lot older than you. I attribute it to great genetics and clean living. If someone would have told me 25 years ago i would have 9 children and a 1 year old at this time i would have thought they were nuts, but i wouldn't change a thing. I think the babies, while making me very tired, keep me young, and i am glad that the baby stage isn't just something in our past, and who knows what the future holds, the Dr. said I was still plenty young to have more babies, and they had first time moms older than i am...isn't that a strange thought.

I am glad I married him, I am still glad we married young, I just couldn't imagine my life without him, and all our beautiful children...Here's to another 25 years..I love you honey...

one sock short of a load

Today started out like any other Monday, I fed the babies, sat and drank coffee with my husband and talked before making the bed, straightening up the kitchen and starting that first load of laundry.



I received a frantic call from Connor, that one of his rained out ball-games was rescheduled for today, and he didn't have his uniform, cleats, or ball-glove at school. I knew exactly where his base-ball pants were, i was soaking them in oxy-clean to try and remove the red oklahoma clay and grass stains. I found his shirt, his underarmour, his glove his cleats, but in the sock department, i could only find one black baseball sock. I know in the grand scheme of things, it is probably not a big deal, but Connor is very particular about his clothes, and his uniform especially. After tearing the laundry apart,dumping every other hamper in the house, and crawling on his floor to look under the bed, i realize, there are more than i pair of long black base-ball socks in this house, and i decide to borrow Nicoles'...only to discover hers are at school in her bag with her uniform...I called the school secretary to see if the missing black socks were on Connors' feet, and I discovered, they were, and the game had been cancelled.



I also received a call from the Seminole Vets' office this morning, this is odd because i have never done business with them. It was Kyle, he was stranded outside the office with a blow-out,and needed help. I tracked down Andrew, who of course had no money, so he came here to get money and go rescue his brother. In the meantime, Ben is asking me 20 questions, where is the spare, why isn't he just putting that on? It turns out Kyle had a flat last week, and put the spare on, and hadn't got a new tire. The boys went to several tire places, and couldn't find one in their price range, so they called home..I got Ben to call some other places, locate a reasonable tire, and send the boys in that direction. Meanwhile, Chritian couldn't find Batman & Robber, and dumped all the toys out looking for them,then Alexandra who has figured out the babyproof locks grabbed a bag of powdered sugar and dumped it...I put her in the high-chair, and walked into the laundry room to get the broom and dust pan while Christian left alone for 2 seconds decides to run through the pile of powdered sugar, it is now scattered powdered sugar, all over my cabints, and the floors of 2 rooms.

Ben came in the house while I was on the floor wiping up the sugar residue, and asked what is going on in this house, it looks like a bomb has gone off in here, i said it has and the bomb was named Christian Joseph and Alexandra Rose...

We have been on a roll lately, Thurs. evening I was dressed for church, the girls were dressed, I had all the little boys shirts ironed and ready to go on their little bodies as soon as dinner was over, and Alexandras' dress on my bed, a terrible wind storm and wild fires came in. There was a fire east and west of us, and another north of us. The winds were gusting at 65mph and Ben had 2 seperate cars blow into his lane, and then the wind almost put him in the bar-ditch. He felt it was unsafe to drive the 25miles to church in these conditions as the road to Konawa is much worse and windier than the road he was on earlier.

Friday night i was dressed the girls were dressed, all the little ones clothes were ready,dinner was ready to go on the table, and no Ben...i called his cell phone, but couldn't get him. At 7:00, i finally reached him. He was still at work, 1 guy had left early for a funeral and didn't come back, 2 others were late for their shift, and as the supervisor he couldn't leave until everything was covered. We got up from the dinner table at 7:50, 20 minutes after services had already started. We had done 3 seperate bible stories throughout the day Friday, a family rosary, and so that night we read the Stations of the Cross.

Sat. Evening I thought Ben and I would go to the vigil service and leave th children home as Mass starts so late, and is quite long. I put supper in the crock pot, and set about doing some last minute cleaning, decorating for Easter. At 3:00 the boys went out to play, Jonathan immediately gets hit in the head with a baseball and falls to the ground. He just laid there. When i reached him he was crying, but said he was dizzy. I helped him in stuck ice on his head, and watched him. He kept complaing, so I called Ben home, and we went to the ER...After observing him for a few hours with no serious changes, they decided he had a concussion. We got home, ate supper, and had Dr.s orders to keep a close watch on him, and wake him every 2 hours....

Sun. morning, I wished Ben a Happy Easter before he left for work, and reminded him to give Andrew gas money to put in the van after they switched vehicles, so i could make it to church...We got up, we ate breakfast, everyone got dressed for church, we decided not to wear our new Easter dresses, because it was 40 degrees windy and raining..We loaded everyone into the van hooked up the babies, i turned on the van to find 0 gas, it was completely empty...i called Ben, he forgot to give Andrew any money for gas. The store in town is closed on Sunday, and the nearest gas station was now 17 miles away, I was afraid to risk running out of gas with a van full of children in the rain on these terrible, curvy roads. We unloaded the children, and i sat down and cried. I was so frustrated..We did the Easter readings, and prayed a family Rosary and thats' when i discovered 2 beads short of a decade. My favorite Rosary broke quite a while ago, so i got out the needle nose pliers and fixed it, no big deal, and every time i said a Rosary with Ashley she would say Mom your'e off, i always attributed this to praying, and then saying sit down, be still, take that rosary off your head, stop choking your brother, etc. i do get a little distracted at times... so after Ashley said I was off again, i counted my beads 8 instead of 10, and i never noticed ....so not only am i one sock short of a load, i am 2 beads short of a decade.

i

acceptance/Resurrection

The obituary was very short and simple, the main content was really all his family members, and I recall how sad it was to read Luke Gabriel Tucker 4/9/02 born and died at a local hospital.

I received a beautiful card and flowers from the pharmacy i used all the time, one woman wrote of the witness to having a funeral mass and burial for our son when so many people in our time consider babies disposable...At the time I didn't think of Lukes' life as being a witness of Gods' love,but that is how i see it now. When you are picking out things for your nursery you never imagine picking out a casket or flowers to cover a tiny coffin. The funeral home



charged us nothing, and the flower shop did the same. A local childrens store called and let me pick out an outfit and blanket, they also included a tiny stuffed bear.

Gods' love surrounded our family, from the large group of family and church members that stayed in the hospital or at my bedside through the whole ghastly ordeal. The people who rushed back when i began hemorraging late that night and spent the time of my surgery in prayer.

So many people came and held my son, but for years I carried in my heart he was alone, it was a terrible burden on my soul. Out of the blue, at a womens conference a found a childrens' book called "Angel in the Waters" by Regina Doman, It is a babies journey before birth with his guardian angel. And then, I knew, my son was never alone, his angel had been with him all
along

God has used so many little things to lead me to acceptance and healing. Even this blog. My heart broke into so many little pieces, that day, and that is how God has healed my heart, one , tiny broken piece at a time. It has taken years, but by Gods' grace, I will get there.

It seems appropriate that this year in the midst of Holy week observances, I am thinking about my little son. Today, Holy Thursday, is the anniversary of his death and birth,and on 4/12 while we celebrate christs' resurrection and the emptiness of the tomb, i will pause to remember the burial of my own son, and how our dear friends dug his tiny grave by hand, and after the rains started my dear friend Carol warned me that their might be water in the grave...she was afraid the sound of the casket hitting the water would send me over the edge, then her dear husband said there will be no water in that grave, not if i have to suck it out with a straw, and there wasn't....

I don't know if Jerry had to resort to a straw, but the picture of him out there on Bald Hill with a straw made me laugh when little else could.

I hope all have a Holy and Blessed Easter Season. I am counting my blessings today, as I thank God for all the good he has done in my life, I am also thanking him for allowing me to see the witness of my sons short life.

voca-the call

I have been thinking about my vocation as a wife and mother. A few years ago, I was involved in every aspect of church activities. I was an officer in the Altar Society from 1995-2003; I taught sunday school from 1995-2003; I either taught or ran the kitchen at every vacation bible school from 1995-2008, usually with 1 other parent,and a nun. I also worked every funeral dinner for years.

After Lukes' death my health was in a very precarious state, the following pregnancy was extremely high risk, and i spent 7 weeks in the hospital. It took a very long time for me to recover from the ordeal, I planned church events, and dinners from my hospital bed, and faxed lists to people. In the fall of 2003, when they were lining up teachers for the classes,I was once again receiving a lot of pressure to teach, and do my best for the church.

Fr. Matthew called me over to the rectory, I thought oh no, what have I done now. In his own plain-spoken, inimitable way he explained that God had called me to be a wife and mother, and that call had to come first. He pointed out that none of the women that were so eager to put me in charge of things had 7 young children. He flat out forbid me from teaching, holding an office or volunteering for anything without his approval. He explained when my health was in jeopardy how many volunteered to look after my childen or feed my family, who would look after them if i died....

Fr. Matthew said the church has been here for 2000 years, and when my family was raised there would stillbe plenty of work for me to do. Ihave made my focus, my home and family. We do not attend sunday school, put I do give religous instruction to my children using the Baltimore Catechism, the saints of the day, and of course holy scripture. i feel they are receiving a very solid education.

I have tried to live up to Gods' call on my life, and last year, I realised, my ministry is right here in my home, not only to my children, but to all the teenagers that have come through my door in need of an adult to listen to them and give them a hug and a hot meal. Many children call me Mom, not only the ones I have given birth to. Maybe that is what God intended all along...I have never turned one of them away from my table or my home ,I just listen and love them.

Thank you Fr. Matthew for caring enough about me to point out my true vocation to me...Thank you for giving so much of yourself to the church all these years, I have been honored to know you , and I am so greatful to you for the 60 years you have served God and his Church so faithfully.

Last June after 10 years at our parish Fr. Matthew returned to the monastery, he was the very young age of 86, and Fr. Adrian became our new parish priest. At the meeting in August to plan the new religous education program,I attended and offered my opinions, several people nominated me to teach again, I politely declined, after everyone left Fr. Adrian said you are extremely qualified to teach, why aren't you sharing this gift with the church? I explained my reasons, and Fr. Matthews talk with me..he said Fr. Matthew is a very wise and holy priest....

Last month Fr. Matthew celebrated his 87th birthdy, and 60th jubilee as a priest. The Archbishop of okc, and Bishop of Tulsa concelebrated the Mass in his honor. This humble man from Lawton, Oklahoma has touched many lives...My 2 youngest sons each carrry one of his names. He has asked all the children what is God calling you to do? And so I ask what has God called you to do? Are you listening? I hope I am!!!!

this 'n that

Yesterday was Kyles' fiancee Timmis' 18th birthday. I baked cupcakes for the children in honor of her birthday. We sang to her and then ate a lot of really yummy cupcakes. She is a very sweet young woman, and they are planning to marry at Sacred Heart in June 2010.

I think she and Kyle will be very happy together, they are committed to each other, and i hope it will work out for them.

Last night was the schools annual donkey basketball game, i bought tickets for the children, but Ben andI didn't feel like going, so after supper they all loaded up Andrew drove the van, and everyone went to the game, even the babies. I took a 30 minute bubble bath by myself, with no one yelling outside the door, or sitting in the bathroom talking to me, or throwing toys in my bath water for me to play with, it was lovely.

I fell asleep for a while, and then when Ben got out of the shower, we talked, and watched a little t.v. IT was the best 30.00$ I had spent in a long time. We really enjoyed the quiet.

Speaking of quiet, Ben went to the grocery store, and to pick up my meds. I was in so much pain today, he took both the little ones with him. I am under strict orders not to work while they are gone. I took a long hot shower, and I am going to peek outside and see if the wind is blowing. The sun is shining, but it was only 27 degrees this morning , and I am not convinced it has warmed up enough for me.

Yesterday, I went on the 50's Housewife blog to read what she had, and I decided to take the decorating style quiz she had from the Happy at Home blog. It was really accurate, I am a yummy mummy. That is too funny to me.

I have so much to do, I should be finishing my spring cleaning, and figuring out how i am going to manage everything this week, and all the Masses involved with Holy Week , but i am going to listen to my husband, and relax for a little while

time

I really struggle to find the time to post everyday, even several times a week..I am always busy with the 2 little ones. I just don't understand how people find the time to post 3 or 4 times a day. And what the heck is twitter, i have no desire to twitter or tweet or even read them.

I do most my blogging with a baby in my lap or attached to my breast, no caps, no puncuation, i am not evven sure i can spell anymore.

I probably spend too much time sending slightly saucy e-mails to my husband,but that is so much fun,and taking time to flirt with my husband has great benefits.

Time just seems to go by so fast, i found a pair of sandals when i was cleaning out closets. these little blue sandals fit Alexandra perfectly, and she loves to wear them. It doesn't seem possible that they were Andrews' shoes, and he wore them over 20 years ago. Time, it just gets away from you, it really does.

bones or gods' love

As the days inch closer to the 7th anniversary, of lukes' death i am struck by the impact this baby boy had on me. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in my very bones, in everything that i am, i feel the loss, the death of my child, my son.

I suppose there are people that wonder how i can go on grieving a child i didn't know, and it is so obvious to me. The gaps in my family tree are the result of the loss of a child. 3 losses total, usually with another baby following close behind. It is really apparent with the large gap between Jonathan and Sean that someone is missing.

It is an example to me of Gods' unfathomable love for us. If I in my sinful state can love a baby beyond life, or death, if i feel his very loss in my bones, how much more does God in his infinite goodness, love us.

I have reached the place past shock, past numbness to acceptance. I am even grateful for the children that I will only hold in heaven...Christopher, Maria, and of course Luke, I have often pictured my Grandmother and my Papaw rocking, singing, and holding my babies, the idea has given me comfort of the years.

I am assured someday of a joyful reunion, when i hold my babies, and can rock, and sing to my little ones, because i have been promised there are no tears in heaven...store up your riches in heaven, for your heart will always be where your riches are.