be careful what you wish for

I prayed for peace and joy and stillness, and once again, i opened my big fat mouth. Christmas Eve a blizzard hit, a real live blizzard. It was unreal. I held the phone outside so my Mom could hear the ice hitting the house and the blowing snow.

She was snug and warm in sunny California. We had a nice visit. I sent my love to all my family that was gathering in Modesto at my nieces home for dinner. I also had a house full.

I am so grateful for the kindness of strangers, and the men Ben works with. He left work in the middle of the blizzard Christmas Eve and was trying to get home, when he hit an ice patch, and slid into a ditch. An elderly couple invited him in, and put him in front of their fireplace, and offered him coffee and goodies. His friend from work with a major 4-wheel drive came and got him, and drove him all the way home.

They had to stop twice during the 20 mile drive to thaw out the windshield wipers. This same man, shuttled men back and forth to work all week-end. Pulled Bens' car out of the ditch Saturday, after he and another man used shovels to dig it out...

We had all our children home, we were safe and warm, we were unable to attend midnight mass, but we sang Christmas Carols, read stories and had a wonderful time. We were unable to attend Mass on Sunday, and today, we finally were able to get the van out.

Ben took Friday, off, and Andrew was unable to get to work, we had Kyle and Timmi home on Christmas, until the road crews came through, and they were able to drive the 7 miles to her parents.

All in all, we had a wonderful Christmas. Yes, there was an entire list of things I never did finish, but the most important things, they were all here...and yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...Kyle said he saw him...while he was carrying things in...

in the stillness

I am trying to live out my scripture for the year, but i have run into a roadblock, its called Christmas. Christmas ought to be the perfect time for stillness. Wait upon the lord, we spent the 4 weeks of Advent waiting...now i feel not still, not at peace. I feel like the chicken whos' head has been chopped off , and i am running in circles looking for my head.


The house is not clean....the laundry is so far behind...all the long trips to the heart hospital have affected my schedule at home...Everything looks like i have been gone for days on end...

Perhaps my heart isn't in it.. i have been so exhausted, and stressed, the worry takes a toll on me...i had hoped for a defenitive answer this week, not the answer we received.

Ben is going to have more tests, this time they are sending him to a neurologist. They know his blood pressure is bottoming out, and there is a disconnect between his brain and body..

He is really frustrated and angry right now....He is still having the episodes of dizziness and confusion. He is angry because people know, and they all offer their pet theory...

I need to wrap gifts, clean house, and laundry, cook dinner, decorate the tables, be cheerful, and act like nothing is wrong, and some how take time to rest today. one thing about midnight mass that i hate, it's at midnight, and i want to go to sleep. Another thing, it is cold today, very,very cold...so a little prayer for Christmas Eve....dear lord, be with Ben today clear the clouds from his eyes, and help him to see what is real, and what isn't...help me to see that there is no Christmas perfection but you Lord, and this might be the perfect time to hide some laundry until after Christmas. Give me your peace, your strength, your stillness, but most of all your joy, your daughter Kimberly. p.s. Happy Birthday

My beloved, my heart

This week has flown by. Ben and I went to OK City on Monday, he was having some tests performed at the Heart Hospital, and we planned to blitz the stores and do most of our Christmas shopping at the same time.

The shopping went very well, and we had an enjoyable time . The malls and walmart were not crowded during the day, and we really were able to look and shop with out crowds until after 5:00. It was crazy then. We just stopped, went out to eat and relaxed in our hotel room for a while. I wrapped for 8 hours in the course of a day and a half. Did i mention i hate to wrap...

Bens' tests did not go so well. He passed out during the tilt test, and they have diagnosed him with a communication problem between his brain and body. i always knew he was a nut and a half... they also found a "defect" on his stress test. He was originally scheduled for an angioplasty on the 29th, but his episodes are lasting longer and longer, they have moved the procedure to the 21st.

We had originally planned to take Nicole and the family ice skating on Monday for her 14th birthday, but this is quickly becoming urgent. I am going to bake snickerdoodles tomorrow, as she doesn't want a birthday cake, and i am going to conspire with Andrew, Tiffiany, Kyle , Timmi and Ashley to make her day as fun as possible without her Mommy and Daddy.

I just want my husband to be ok, to feel better, to not be afraid of the next episode causing him to black out...it is very frightening...I am praying non-stop for him, and asking everyone i know to pray for him also...25 years together just isn't enough...

Last night he had a very special evening planned for us. He had tickets for us in the orchestra section to watch the Ok City ballet perform the nutcracker suite...It was so beautiful, I loved it..we all dressed up, and watching the girls was pure joy...He took us to dinner at the Art Museum Cafe, and while he didn't disclose the amount, i think we spent more on that one meal, than all year in restaurants...

Life is beautiful, love is contagious, it just multiplies over the years, and i am praying that God will watch over my beloved as he faces this challenge with his health. It comforts me to know people will be praying for him..I will be praying and hoping too.

Happy Birthday Alexandra

Today on the Feast of St. Lucia, we are celebrating the birth of our daughter Alexandra. She was born 3 weeks early, a week before my scheduled c-section in the midst of a horrendous ice storm. I developed pre-eclampsia, and missed a Dr.s appointment due to being trapped by the ice storm, when the highways cleared enough to attempt the trip to OKC, i insisted Ben take me in.

He thought we should sit tight, because i was scheduled to deliver in another week, but i knew something was really wrong with me. I had never felt so strange(ha-ha) in my life.

Bobbi Sue not only insisted i pack my bag, and take it with me, she went with us to my appointment. They took my blood pressure, 4 times with-in 10 minutes, and then my Dr. said you are going straight to the hospital...

I had the most horrendous nurse, she insisted there was nothing really wrong with me, and if i laid completely still, on my left side, they could lower my blood pressure, and i just needed to go home, and stop taking up space for the really sick people...

My dr. ordered the 24 hour urine collection, but my nurse did not bring the equipment in for 6 hours, at shift change she brought it, my Dr. almost had the stroke, she was furious...

Bobbi Sue and the nurse got into an argument, Ben and the nurse got into an argument, my head hurt so bad i couldn't open my eyes or sit up....to the nurses chagrin my Dr. wrote orders to keep me...

They decided to perform my c-section at 8:00 p.m.on the 13th so Dr. Nanda could attend her daughters Christmas program, We called the children, and they were loading up the van to have the family at the hospital before my surgery...

A little before 5:00 2 nurses came running in my room, they started grabbing my i.v., pulled the sides up on my bed and were racing me to the OR. I had no idea what was going on, and I thought they were, at the least nuts, at the worst, had the wrong patient.

It turns out my blood pressure had spiked so high, i was in critical condition, and my surgery had to be performed immediately...

The nurses never prepped me for surgery during the day, so everything was done in the ice cold operating room, in full view of everyone...i was alert enough to be irritated. They gave me a spinal so they could begin immediately, and this was a difficult section. I had significant scar tissue, and it took forever to reach her. She was also very high up and they had to use a vaccum extractor to bring her down far enough to pull her out. My dr. used a new tool, it cut and cauterised at the same time. I almost threw up, from smelling the burning flesh since it was mine...they gave me something for nausea, and after i saw and heard my read screaming dark haired, dark-eyed daughter, they put me completely out...thank God!!!

I rejoice today that we came through the ordeal with no ill effects, she is a happy healthy little girl, I am tired...

Today we celebrate Alexandra Rose with pink cupcakes, dinner, ice cream and punch. She is loved, she is cherised, we are grateful.

12 days before Christmas

With apologies to fans of the Christmas Carol...

On the 1st day before Christmas my true love said to me you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 2nd day before Christmas my true love said to me, we still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 3rd day before Christmas my true love said to me, we have 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 4th day before Christmas my true love said to me, we have 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 5th day before Christmas my true love said to me, you've hid 5 loads of laundry in my closet, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 6th day before Christmas my true love said to me, how did we get 6 dogs, and why does your puppy wear a dress? you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 7th day before Christmas my true love said to me, the children are out of school next week, we have 6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenager, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 8th day before Christmas my true love said to me, give me your Christmas list or there will be nothing for you under the tree, children are out of school,6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 9th day before Christmas my true love said to me...how did we get 9 children!!!8 gifts for christmas, children are out of school, 6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy...

On the 10th day before Christmas my true love said to me ....you'd better get to wrapping, how did we get 9 children, 8 gifts for Christmas, children are out of school, 6 dogs, you hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired mommy...

On the 11th day before Christmas my true love said to me , get up because it's Nikki's birthday,you'd better get to wrapping, how did we get 9 children? 8 gifts for Christmas, the children are out of school, 6 dogs, hid 5 loads of laundry , 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you're one really tired Mommy....

On the 12th day before Christmas my true love said to me , don't panic but there are only 12 shopping days left, and we're traveling in a 15 passenger van, it's Nikkis' birthday, get to wrapping, 9 children, 8 gifts for Christmas, children are out of school, 6 dogs, hid 5 loads of laundry, 4 wild little boys, 3 teenagers, still have 2 toddlers, and you"re only really tired MOMMY!!!!!

My 12 days of Christmas.

The real 12 days of Christmas start on Christmas Day, and continue until the feast of the Epiphany...the song was used by Catholics during the persecution by Queen Elizabeth in England to celebrate their faith with Christ being the partridge in a pear tree...all the items had hidden religious meaning... i don't mean to be sacreligious, but this came to me in the middle of the night, and i thought it was funny...

Is it today, or is it tomorrow?

Alexandra is going through one of those weird baby things, and got up again at 3:00 a.m. yes, i said 3:00 a.m.. I was about to wrangle her back to sleep when Bens' alarm started going off. Started, because he hits snooze 4 times, and goes back to sleep before he gets up.

I must admit, this makes me nuts. By the time his alarm has gone off 4 times i am AWAKE!!!! and i don't want to be that awake in the wee dark hours of the morning. This time it was my daughter that was running through the house saying bye,bye Daddy...I was so not amused.

I got her back to sleep about 8:30, just in time for Christian to wake up and announce he is starving...absolutely starving..I convinced him to watch cartoons for awhile and let me lay down, but it didn't last long.

I have cooked lunch, and have vegetable beef soup in the crock-pot. Ashley and Nicole will be home about 3:20, i plan to put my pajamas on and go to bed...it has been a very long day...If Ashley tells me she has yet another practice at the Methodist Church tonight, i will cry...i support her sharing her gifts, i really do, but today, i want her to entertain the babies, and i want Nicole to clean the rest of the house, and put away the 5 trillion loads of laundry i folded(can you have a deficit in loads of laundry?) I don't know how somehow who does laundry all the time gets so behind...(the faster i go, the behinder i get).

We are doing seriously educational activities this afternoon. Watching wubzy and eating cheetos. I am waiting for Bens' friend to come by, he went to work on Kyles' car, and he is supposed to get me a Dr. Pepper on the way back....i am surviving, but i really need that Dr. Pepper.

Indiana asked Ashley if she would sing for Midnight Mass, and before she could decline, i said, she'd love to. She is singing o come, o come emmanuel, and what child is this for their Dec. recital on the 19th, and she will sing them for Mass. Nicole is playing God rest ye, merry gentlemen, and a song from the Nutcracker suite..she would rather take a beating than sing in front of anyone..even though she and sings in the same girls choir as Ashley, she will not sing with us. Ashley suggested we sing lo how a rose, ere blooming...because mama sings in the rafters, and thats a rafter kind of song...i asked her what i was supposed to do with Alexandra while we sang, and she said bring her up with us, she loves to sing too...you know what they say about payback...Midnight Mass with all of us, and me singing ,ugh definitely ugh....

oh christmas tree

Alexandra is having a great time with our Christmas Tree. She had a wonderful time decorating it the other night, and undecorating it, and redecorating it...i hope the tree, and my ornaments survive until the Feast of the Epiphany!!

We are still freezing here. We didn't have enough precipitation to snow, but it is seriously cold. Seriously....

I was so stressed out last night over our schedule for the next few weeks, i have decided to write everything down, and get the craziness under control. I hope seeing it doesn't make the panic worse..

decking the halls

Last night we finally put the ornaments on the tree, it was a do or die moment as Christian, Sean and Alexandra were attacking everything on the dining room table. Alexandra was trying to drive the little rocking horse across the floor and play with the miniature stroller. She broke several ornaments while i was trying to put the hooks on them.

I put my delicate ones up high, and turned them loose, after all the children had finished, i snuck back in the dining room and straightened them out. I always balance out the tree, this year i had Nicole help me, and i found out she is as weird as I am.

The girls took pictures of the tree and mantle which they promised to post for me, but i am not holding my breath. I would do it myself, but i remain computer illiterate, and proud of it. They offer to teach me things, and i always refuse. Thats' one of the things i have teenagers for.

Ashley is at rehersal, Nicole is tutoring a friend that fell behind in school while she was out ill. My house looks like a bomb went off in it, with dishes to wash, laundry to fold, and children to bathe, and all my big helpers gone.

I will have to blog another day Connor just spilled a glass of ice water all over my pants, and Alexandra is dancing on my cedar chest stark naked playing her guitar and singing. We have to hunt for hats, scarves and gloves...tomorrows temp. at bus time is estimated to be 11 with windchill it may be below zero...maybe Andrew will just drive them, as Kyle still has my van and I am stranded

just another manic monday

We had a full week-end as usual...the talent show was a lot of fun...the skit the girls were in was so funny, and Ashley did a great job playing the guitar and singing.

The older children were all gone Saturday to Bowlegs for Share the Fun 4h talent competition. Their skit won first place in the Sr. division...and Ashley won first place for her guitar and singing...she was so excited she jumped up and down and waved her arms...then she said it's fine, it's cool, let's face it, i rock...

They will be competing again in a few months at districts for a chance to perform for the OK State 4-H convention this summer...

Ashley, Nicole, Jonathan and Sean have piano lessons this afternoon, and since Kyles' car broke down on Sat., he has my van, so i will have to borrow Andrews' car to get them there...Ben and Kyle are supposed to work on the car tomorrow, and i just hope it is warmer than today, last time i checked it was overcast and drizzling 27 degrees with wind-chill. It is supposed to snow.

We went to grocery store this morning, to buy food for the next week or so, and i hoped to pick up a few gifts, but by the time we bought gas, rxs, and groceries, we are down to 50.00 until the end of the week...having all that money stolen really hurt us..

Dixie Belle and Gus are refusing to go outside, the just sit at the door and cry..kind of like Ben if he has to go out in this kind of weather..Me, i try to stay indoors. With my auto-immune yuck, i can't tolerate the cold and damp..

I am hoping tonight we finish putting the decorations on the Christmas tree. I have everything else done, except the buffet in the dining area, and i keep telling myself simplify, i haven't found a safe place for my nativity set, i have almost come to the conclusion one doesn't exist. i really think a need a little people one so i don't cringe everytime the children go near it. I have had to glue so many peoples head back on over the years.

Ashley has rehersal on Wed. even. with the Methodist church she is going to sing 1st soprano in their Christmas Cantata...our church is having a potluck dinner in honor of Fr. Matthew and Fr. Adrian on Sunday, and i have to figure out to be in 2 places at once in 2 towns 45 miles apart...i hear a big Charlie Brown scream coming on...life is always complicated..

I think i need a nap, i think we will try before the troops come marching in .

Happy Monday...2nd week of Advent Psalm 85 I will hear what God proclaims; the Lord-for he proclaims peace to his people. Our God will come to save Us!...

My Romantic Home

I read a blog occasionally called My Romantic Home. It has a huge following, and i kind of wonder why? The pictures presented are lovely, but i have come to view it at My Empty Home. I have been looking at it for some time, and just couldn't put my finger on it, and then i saw the void...

Everything is beautiful, everything is decorated, and in its place...and with all that stuff in a small environment you wouldn't think it could be so empty...

There is no husband in my romantic home, and only one child ...the void of people and life is filled with decorating and stuff...I think it should be renamed my romantic stuff...

Now don't get me wrong, i think the owner does a lovely job, and for her that's great...i have looked at some of her displays, but i see them through the eyes of a woman that lives with a man, and 7 children still in the home....I see the potential for disaster in large crystal displays...

I know first hand, what a few small children can accidentally do to a display of Christmass ornaments...I also know what a group of teenage boys can do, that chronically have amnesia about playing football indoors with their little brothers...

My romantic home is of a different sort...I have smudges on all lowlying windows and doors, because of little fingers and noses...I have marks on my entryway wallpaper. my sled that sits on my little chest is filled with shatterproof ornaments...my grandmothers ornaments are in the china buffet and on the hutch...above the reach of helping hands...

At my house, if it is low, you had better be able to touch it, or it is gone...

My romantic husband does not care how i decorate the rooms of our home, only that i share it with him...which is why for my frilly heart, he painted our bedroom lilac with sage green trim...and says he loves the ivory down filled comforter...he doesn't object to my white lights hanging off the canopy, or even the ivory and gold canopy cover...i keep the stuff on the surfaces to me a bare minimum, not to stress him out...it is a small price to pay for sharing my bedroom, with my romantic man...I have come to accept that my home will never be a show place, heck, i am doing daily battle with mountains of laundry. more dishes than most people can imagine, and did i mention the dust bunnies, they actually thrive here...but, i do have ahusband that tells me he is blessed, and a passel of happy children....i think i have the better deal here...life with a large family can be messy sometimes, but it is never dull, and i wouldn't change my life for all the decorating perfection in the world.

t,v, land

I have really reached a point where i absolutely despise the t.v. shows marketed for teens and tweens...i have banned so many of them . They are flat out obnoxious. They are all really one show...smart aleck teenager, gets over on stupid clueless adults.

I think they set a bad precedent with the sneaking lying and back-talking...Ben has suggested we get rid of the t.v. programming in the living room, and somedays i agree with him, and somedays, i really want wow, wow, wubzy, or Max and Ruby...we rest when they are on...Christian no longer naps, and Alexandra won't go to sleep if i am reading to him...she loves story time...

I did shut the programming off for 3 months once, so i know we can live without it, i am just not sure i want to...i need to lay down in the afternoon, and i know we could put on a dvd, i have a list on t.v. shows i like, and it seems hypocritical to take out their programming, and keep mine..

perfection

I have been giving Advent and Christmas some thought this week as i navigate the dreaded storage closet that is packed floor to ceiling with my Christmas decorations, and Grandma Jo's and even some from Great-Grandma Erma and my own Grandma....I am the keeper of things....I was in their , and I don't even know how many boxes of Christmas things i have....


I am reading the daily Bible readings for Mass, and then the thought for the day in the Word among us...I have decided to give up something for Advent this year...now i haven't totally lost my mind, I know it isn't lent yet, but i have decided with prayer to try and give up my need for a sense of "perfection" I will still decorate outside, and all rooms downstairs, but i am limiting the number of trees i put up this year....i have also decided to simplify my decorations on the banister, and upstairs...i have put 2 small artificial trees on the landing, with white lights only....i may add ribbon later...i will put a wreath in the upstairs den, but that is it...

I am only decorating the tree in the dining room, and then i will put a tiny one on Alexandras' dresser with my pink frilly decorations...Lukes' ornaments will go on the 2 ft tree on the hearth...i am not going to decorate the sun room except for a wreath and bowl of ornaments on Ashleys' piano...Ben wants me to put his moms' decorations on her piano which we have moved to the living area temporarily, but i can't ...it is too accessible to little hands....

The entire season for me is spent chasing the illusion, that i can do everything...decorate, bake, cook, entertain...it places an enormous amount of pressure on me...and i lose focus of what is the most important message of the season...

Today things are in chaos, the dining room table is covered in boxes of ornaments...i hope to restore order soon...it is very difficult with 2 little ones tugging at you all day long, Alexandra has roseola and screams every time i put her down...I am praying she recovers soon...I am also praying for the grace of simplicity...show me Lord where i need to cut back...maybe we will only bake a few different cookies instead of a dozen....there has to be a way to give my children a sense of the festivity without killing myself....i have the reputation of a fantastic cook and baker, is it my vanity that causes me to do too much, i can't blame it on Jo, she has been gone 10 years...

I will try to sort this all out, and while my soul needs simplicity, i am pulled in so many directions..2 basketball games tonight, 4-h talent show and bake auction friday, share the fun sat. , sun. Mass, and the feast of St. Nicholas...i am supposed to bake 8 items for tomorrow all with a screaming baby in my arms...it saps my energy and peace...

Todays' St. Francis Xavier said" It is not the actual physical exertion that counts toward a mans' progress, nor the nature of the task, but the spirit of faith with which it is undertaken...todays psalm..118 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good his mercy endures forever...It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man...I think i need to sit down and read todays scripture again, maybe this time it will sink in better...

Ashley asked me to help her with an arrangement including People look East, Veniti Adoremous and O Come all ye Faithful...for the Dec. recital ...maybe this is where we need to start...

Happy Birthday Christian

Nov. 30, 2005, I was admitted at 5:00 am at Baptist Hospital in OKC for a scheduled c-section, i was absolutely terrified. The memories of my 1st c-section were just too fresh in my mind.

It had only been a year since Papas' death, and i had been planning on naming my new baby boy Morgan Ray for him...2 days before he was born, i told Ben, i don't think his name is Morgan. We changed it to Christian Joseph...

He was born 3 weeks before his due date, and he was so beautiful...blond hair, blue eyes, such a sweet baby...my great niece Braelyn was born 1 yr. ago and they share a birthday...i have children the same ages as my 2 older nieces...that is the fun of being in a large family, plenty of love to go around...

Christian had a family party last night, his god-parents Fred and Indiana were over, plus Billie, and Bobbie, and their daughters...it is always a full house at our house...

Alexandra is trying to steal his new cowboy boots and cell phone, she doesn't care about the bat-man or other gifts, but those boots and that phone...she keeps telling Christian me boots, me phone...he just isn't buying it... oh well, her birthday is in less than 2 weeks, and then the boot will literally be on the other leg..

Happy 4th Birthday Christian , you are a very special little boy, and such a blessing to us all!!!I love you~mama