alone

Today is the first time since the death of the baby i have been alone...I am alone in the house, alone in my thoughts, alone in my body...

I have been afraid to think too much, or even talk to anyone about anything that matters. My thoughts are so jumbled up, and while i walk around pretednding to function , everthing is just underneath, and i am hiding from everyone and myself.

Ben says i feel distant, i am, he says i am too quiet, its true...when everything is whirling and swirling you have to be careful to open your mouth, you don't know when the raw painful truth of it all will come spewing out...

I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to answer any questions...I dread going to church...questions, sympathy, criticism...

Pain is one of those things that can only be hidden for so long...it just doesn't go away, even if you look great...you must be recovering quickly..oh only 10 weeks...you will be yourself in notime...
no time, no time at all..no time to grieve...no time to mourn...how do you mother...do you hide the pain or show it...grief has an odd way of sorting things out...alone...no time...

slipping

It is always fun to write a post that is funny, crazy, or just plain weird...

We often have weird things going on here, it just can't be helped. This week though everything is sad and tinged with grief and sorrow...

We went in one day from the joy and anticipation of a new child to the chilling realisation that dream was over..

Dr. Nanda and her staff treated us with dignity and respect, and as we discussed all our options I went with what I believed to be her best suggestion. i had some problems with hemorraging, and i remain week and exhausted. I have bruise all over my arms and legs. I am starting to supect surgical nuses beat you up, when you are out...way out

We are celebrating the life of our baby with a memorial Mass of the Angels on Wed. June 2.we have given her the name Madeleine April Marie...

And while my body and spirit try to heal, i am struck by the gifts in my life. Nicole who is taking care of everybody, Ashley who is doing dishes and singing...the boys well, being boys, and my dear Lola tucking me in for a nap, and kissing me all over to make me better..

graduation 2010

Thurs. night Nicole graduated from the 8th grade..she looked so grown up, so beautiful..she was nervous, but did a great job giving her speech, and was so happy to be honored as valedictorian.

They awarded her with a plaque that had her name and date and perfect 4.0 on it..

Ben and I are so proud of her achievements..and of the fact that she maintained that level of academics while particpating in 2 softball seasons, basketball, track, choir and piano lessons Nicole is a bit of an overachiever...

Fri. night Ashley graduated high school. The tears started with the music...it was very difficult, almost impossible for me to keep my composure. I would like to blame it all on hormones, but that wouldn't be entirely true...

I think Ashleys' achievement overwhelmed me because I know how hard she fought to graduate with her class.

She came back literally from deaths door, and still finished with the highest gpa in 3 classes, and honors at graduation as a member of the national honor society...

My tears were tears of joy, Ashley is my hero...I have never seen anyone fight so hard in my life.

I am so proud of both my daughters, and all they have accomplished...they are growing into wonderful women...we are blessed by them...

it's 4:30 do you know where your mother is?

Another night of no sleep, and i just gave up, and put in another load of laundry...my brain will not turn off, no matter how tired my body is.

I have so much on my mind..I can't stop thinking...a lot of it revolves around everything I haven't done, and somehow need to do by Thurs. a body that doesn't want to cooperate, and children that are less cooperative than my body..

The children have had so many field trips and activities, that i can't seem to get any cooperation out of them.

Kyle has a job interview in the morning...Andrew has to sleep...and get ready for his party...and has to sleep...i can't count on any of them for help...

I still need to finish shopping for the party...the person that offered to come clean for me, has developed amnesia, because i am pregnant and she isn't...

I have an ultrasound tomorrow...I am a nervous wreck...my clothes don't fit, I haven't gained any weight, but i look 12 weeks, not 7....Andrew and Indiana insist it is twins...

One baby at a time is enough to think about...it is one of those night/mornings, when i need to let go and let God be in charge...somehow this will all work out...and since i am up, i might as well take my shower now, before someone beats me to it, and gets the hot water...

oops

I made a facebook page, so i could look at the first photos from our family photo shoot. Everyone in the whole wide world is on there, everyone i had lost contact with , family friends...neighbors..it is addicting...i am going to end up at facebook annonymous, because i think it is easy to become a facebookaholic....

Sasakwa Activities Banquet

The booster club puts on a banquet, at the end of the school year to honor high school academic and athletic achievements.

These are not family friendly events, they don't want siblings, or younger children in attendance, and it irritates me.

Ashley received an award for her participation on the Academic Team. This was her last event, and the Seniors symbolically blow out a candle, closing their high school careers. Ashley felt a little emotional about it. It just hit her, that in 2 weeks, she will be done with high school.

She has a field trip for gifted and talented next week, and then graduation. The following week, she will be traveling to Texas for her senior trip.

I am still feeling a little rough, and trying to figure out what to do for the girls graduation party. I am behind in cleaning, laundry, well everything....and in 2 weeks, i am having a party.

I need to simplify my plans for the party, and instead of cooking, i think i am going to order a sandwich tray....i need to make some lists, and set some realistic goals. I have no energy at all, and between feeling sick, and exhaustion, i may have to call in reinforcements on this one.

Happy Birthday

Last night, we celebrated Sean Patricks' 7th birthday. He had pizza, cake and ice cream. He opened his gifts, and then they all ran around in the dark shooting each other with squirt guns.

7 years ago, I wouldn't have guessed he would have been so full of life, so over the top, so very smart. I spent 2 months on bed rest, 6 months of progesterone injections, i spent 2 months in the hospital, moved back and forth from ward to l&d. I was induced 5 weeks early, and had an emergency c-section.

Sean spent 4 days in the NICU, on cpap, and he needed other help. I didn't see him until he was 2 days old. I had my gallbladder removed when he was still in nicu, and stopped breathing.

We left the hospital when Sean was 10 days old....

Sean has thrived...his only side effect has been asthma...but, he has done so well...

We are truly blessed. Happy Birthday Sean Patrick, we love you...