the list

I was straightening up the misc. stuff Ben pulls out of his pocket every day after work, and leaves by the bathroom sink. You know, the kind of stuff men have in their pockets, change, receipts, hard candy, just stuff, paper, and then this list caught my eye. It had about a dozen items listed on it, but they were kind of strange.

The first item listed was Kims' health, some other things were missing money, work you know I won't list everything he had down, but after i read it, and pondered what in the heck is this, I finally took it out to him, and asked him what the heck is this?

He told me, there is so much going on, and too much stuff in his head(don't i know the feeling) he just couldn't get it all sorted out, so he wrote everything down to try to make some sort of progress with the growing list of concerns.

I asked why i was at the top of the list, and he told me, because i give so little thought to my health, that my health worries him to death. He said without you being well, our home can't function, everything is crazy, i can't do what you do, i don't even know how to begin to do what you do , half of the things we need to do are in your head, and nobody else knows them. You worry me to death, because we need you, and you don't care enough about yourself to put it first. I need you, and i need you to be healthy as possible.

I started to blow him off, because that is what i do, and then i looked at me husband of 25 years, and saw, the real fear and concern in his eyes. I have made the mistake of putting myself, and my health last, thinking i was doing it for my family, when really by not putting my health as a priority, i am not taking care of my family. He wants me well, and he wants our family to function as smoothly as possible, neither happens if i am sick...

He said sassy brat, roll your eyes, stomp your foot, blow me off because you think i am over-reacting, but i surprised him, i apologised for not taking my health seriously, ignoring the dr.s advice, and basically being selfish, in an unselfish sort of way. I thought i was doing the right thing, and then i find out, i was wrong.

Oh what fun, i have to exercise 5 days a week, yeah me! i get to buy a new pair of shoes, now this would normally excite me, but as i have some weird fibro something in the bottom of my feet, the flip-flop queen has been sentenced to wearing real shoes, not only shoes, but new balance high dollar tennis shoes. I mean if i have to pay 100.00 for a pair of shoes i want them to be cute, real cute, but tennis shoes. The pain of it all. No more 4 inch heels, except in the bedroom, and i am not on my feet in there (wink wink)

I do not want to take the medication for the nerve pain and burning, it has real serious side effects, i don't know what to do,i guess we will pray about that, but the other stuff i am going to be so good about taking care of myself, Ben will be shocked, and the Dr. Pepper company will moan as their sales fall...

honey don't

I know many wives have a honey do list. I do too. There are things on that list like finishing the trim and tile in our bathroom. Putting up the new french doors in our bedroom. We have quite a large list of things to do at our home.

Right now i am overwhelmed, and so i am focusing on the honey don't list. It is not nearly as long or as extensive as the honey do list.

It goes like this. Honey do give me all the love and support you can spare right now, i need it. Honey please don't go on the internet and research all the things i might have. I know to you expanding the list from the possibility of 1 terrible diagnosis to 1200 possible illnesses, conditions, whatever. This does not comfort me as i am not a linear thinker.

I do not see life according to lines and equations. I do not feel any comfort or relief from the horse and zebra comparison. The vast information on all these web-pages only cause me anxiety and stress.

I don't want to read them, i don't want to know. i have no interest or desire to compare myself to all the people and their symptoms floating out there in never-never land. Today is enough for me. I have things to pack, lists to make, clothes to iron and meals to prepare.

I understand that this is how your brain works, but mine doesn't . I hope you can relate to how i feel, but this internet search is scaring me to death, and i just don't have time to be scared.

Melvin and Peggy Pevehouse

Many, many years ago on the first Sunday in June, Melvin Ray Pevehouse married Peggy Pauline Gibson. They got married in the yard at Aunt Veda and Uncle "Mac" Magars house. They met at a mutual friends"chivalrie". A southern custom that has almost disappeared. the year was 1947, and Melvin had returned from a stint in the navy during WWII. Peggy was a senior in high school, the salutatorian of Vanoss High School. Melvin didn't have a car, and would hitch-hike and walk, from Ada to Bishop Parish, a small area outside of Gaar Corner to keep company with her.

She wanted to graduate from high school, and married women were not allowed to finish their education, so she chose the first Sunday in June following her graduation.

There weren't many job opportunities in rural oklahoma at this time so in the summer of 1947, they set out for California with Grandpa R.C., Grandma Dot, and Granny and Grandpa Gibson. They had a one room apartment in the same house as the rest of the family, and started their new life in Alameda.

Their daughter Donna Ray was born the following March, but she was tragically killed in a fall at the age of 4. Douglas wasborn the following June, and Regina was born the next July. They eventually moved to a brand new house in the Palma Ceia division of Hayward.

About this time, my mother, Patty met them at church.They became fast friends, and have been friends since 1958. When I was born about 8 years later, my mother had to return to work when i was 6 weeks old. She gave me to the care of Peggy and Melvin Pevehouse, and I have been there ever since.

It is not that i didn't have my own, family, and older brothers, and sisters, but my life has been so blessed, and so much richer by being a part of their lives.

I have learned so many things from them, i wouldn't really know how to begin to explain it, but everything that is good and right and true about me, i learned from them. I also know every okie expression in the book, because Grannys' speech is completely peppered with okieisms.

Papaw passed away a few years ago, at the time, i felt how could the world just go on without this amazing man, but Granny has persevered through her grief and her lonliness, and taught me new lessons along the way.

Today marks the 62nd Anniversary of their Marriage, and I called Granny to tell her I loved her, and was thinking of her on this special day...Their beginning is still something to be celebrated, love and faithfulness always are.

hand in hand

I know you have to take the good and the bad as they seem to go hand in hand. Ben had a bug bite on his arm that became seriously infected, he asked me to make him a dr. appt. for today. I got up at 8:00 to call the office, and get him in, and i was so weak, and felt even worse than yesterday.

I have been going on the assumption my lack of sleep, and the craziness at home had caused a flare up of my fibromialgia, but this morning, i started running a fever. I hurt from head to toe, and that familiar kidney pain was all too evident.

Bens' bug bit was so bad, he has an abcess in his arm, and they put him on serious anti-biotics, my fussy Alexandra is still teething, but has a sinus infection on top of that, and me i have another uti/kidney infection. I am so grateful for Bens' bug bite, if he hadn't been going to the Dr. i would have put off calling, and according to my Dr. , i would have been in the hospital before the weekend was over. I guess there are even blessings in bad things.

My Dr. has recommended i see a urologist, as i have been having recurring infections. I did this when i was pregnant with Christian, but it just stopped, and i didn't have any problems until September. Now i can't seem to shake it. I will feel good for a week or two, and then it starts all over again. I think my other health problems aggravate things, because i tend to assume it is somethtin else, and then the infection gets ahold of me.

I e-mailed my friend at church, and have backed out of helping at vbs next week, i am also going to e-mail Fr. Adrian and tell him i need a home visit, maybe that will help with my spiritual malaise. I hate to miss church, and lately i have been miss more than hit.

Ben had me order chinese food tonight and Ashley and Tony went to pick it up along with the rx's. We are both sick, and feel horrible, and we are laying on our bed together watching home improvement shows...Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be a better day...

all the little things

I was feeling a little blue, since Ben went back to work, and lonely. He decided we needed to go on a date to cheer me up. He took me to Applebees' for dinner, and while i went to the ladies room, he called home and told the girls we were on our way.

I didn't know he had made arrangements with Ashley and Nicole to straighten our bedroom up, fill it with candles, and fudge. An ice bucket with chilled champagne and our crystal champagne glasses completed the scene.

I ran in to drop my purse, and was greeted by a beautiful sight. Soft music playing on my cd player,candles glowing everywhere, sea-shells on the table tops, dessert waiting for me. I was really surprised. I really enjoyed my time alone with Ben. the children popped popcorn and watched a movie out in the sunroom. We dead-bolted our door and hid from the world.

It was lovely....I have reached a place in my life where i feel completely content. I am just so happy with everything. I highly recommend a dead bolt on the master bedroom door. Loud music to drown out the children, and the rest to set the mood.

My husband shows me he loves me through the little things he does, the funny e-mails he sends me, and the lavish comments he pays me. He thinks i am the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world, and it is working for him, who could resist a man like that....

oh be careful little eyes

I learned a song when i was very tiny called be careful. Granny sang it all the time with me. While we have filters on our computer, so we can keep out things we don't want in the home.

We live so far out in the bojacks(this is next door to out in the boondocks) that we can only receive 3 fuzzy channels with an antennae, our options are dish network or programming through our phone company. We have the limited t.v. package without the additional movie channels.

It is still so sad that t.v. or is it people have sunk so low. I used to watch soap operas all summer long with my mom and grandma...when iwas in college i would go to my moms on fridays, roll my grandmas hair for her and eat lunch watching Days of our lives. I had to completely give up my soap habit a few years ago. The content became so racy, i could no longer watch the shows with my children in the room.

I don't really watch network t.v. at all. I have never seen Dancing with the Stars, American Idol,Desperate Housewives, or even Sex in the City...I don't see what all the fuss is about...My friends have given up on me, i am so not cool...i see pictures of people on magazine covers, and i don't know who these skinny(would someone please feed them)people are.

I wish we had a filter on the t.v., then i could tune all the junk out of it i want. I know, it has an off switch . I have been snown to turn shows off because the kids are irritating, and i don't like smart aleck kids. Shows on my current hit list suite life of Zach and Cody , and icarly..These shows are marketed for tweens, and are supposed to be family friendly, but they are really obnoxious.

I do have a thing for watching DIY and HGTV . Ben would like me to give up these shows, as i am always finding new profects for him. He is very handy, but, prefers to be very handy tinkering on cars , he really loves to be out in the garage, or carport playing with his parts and tools and stuff.

He is taking next week off work to do some remodeling projects in our bedroom and master bath. We have been planning this for some time, and buying things on e-bay and at the ok to share discount store. I bought heavy metal gold knobs for our dressers, because i was sick of the pine knobs. Ben painted them black to match our iron hinges and we replaced all the hardware for 6..50. We are waiting for vessel sinks and faucets still. ben found a great deal on e-bay for 95.00 each complete set. We were looking at Lowes, but the same items would have cost 600.00 total .

I am a little nervous about everything he wants to get done this week. He is also planning to help me get ready for the graduation party we are giving friday night. Right now it is a knee -high swamp, jungle, step on the grass your shoe sinks 2 inches mess out there. My flower beds are weed havens and the poison ivy is thriving with all the rain. No big deal, i am just so allergic to it...and somehow i have to get this done, my house ready, shopping, decorating, cooking 2 toddlers, Ben in the middle of a major project, and i am only operating at half speed.

This is going to take a while, i had better start today. I am going to make my lists, and get everything ready to mow. The boys can pick up the toys while i work in my flower beds...Lord willing and the rain stops we may just make it. I am going to remind myself to be careful little mouth this week, because, i get irritable when i don't feel well, and Ben gets irritable when projects don't go as he plans them. That is the makings for bickering people. I need to remember to think before i speak and pray my bible verse. Be still, and know that i am God.

I am going to have to take these things one day at a time and not expect too much out of either of us...I am notorious(well its true) for planning things to the extreme, and stressing myself out over things i have no control of. I think instead of cooking everything, i may order sandwich trays and buy the meatballs already made. Maybe i need to slow it down a little bit..

25th anniversary

On April 14, 1984, Ben and i were married in the Pioneer Chapel in Hayward Ca. I really can't believe we have been married this long. Ben wanted to take me away for a nice rest, but i can't leave Alexandra, and Christian gets nervous after a day away from me. His plan b was to take the babies and go to Branson for a few days. I really wanted to wait until we could go away for a few days alone.

We didn't do anything grand or exciting, but we have had a lovely week. Tiffiany took the babies to Bobbies', tuesday morning, and Ben took me out for a nice quiet lunch alone....it was so nice. We ate and talked, then we walked around downtown and held hands. Later, that evening, all the children went over to Andrew and Tiffianys' for dinner and a movie. We had a romantic candlelite dinner, ate off our china, used his grandma's linens, and our crystal and had some champagne. The house was so quiet...We really enjoyed just spending time alone together.

Wednesday evening the children had a party for us with a few friends over. They served pink lemonade punch, and hors-d'oeuvres. Tiffiany baked a beautiful 4 layer cake with pink and white roses on it and pink and silver ribbons. Our wedding was pink and white, so they decorated in those colors. The children all pitched in and bought us a beautiful pair of silver candlesticks , at an antique store. The girls polished them until they gleamed. They sent me to me room while they cleaned and decorated. Nicole dressed up the babies, and when they let us out of our room, everything was so lovely. The boys hung white light and pink japanese lanterns in the yard. I was very proud of them for planning and taking care of everything.

Ben decided to take Thursday off, and took me out to breakfast, and then to Home Depot to buy more flowers for the front yard as my last ones froze to death when the blizzard came in. We have had a very mellow, low-key kind of anniversary, at least as mellow as it gets around here...I still can't quite believe we have been married 25 years. Ben and I looked at our wedding pictures, he said you really haven't changed, and i just look older..a lot older than you. I attribute it to great genetics and clean living. If someone would have told me 25 years ago i would have 9 children and a 1 year old at this time i would have thought they were nuts, but i wouldn't change a thing. I think the babies, while making me very tired, keep me young, and i am glad that the baby stage isn't just something in our past, and who knows what the future holds, the Dr. said I was still plenty young to have more babies, and they had first time moms older than i am...isn't that a strange thought.

I am glad I married him, I am still glad we married young, I just couldn't imagine my life without him, and all our beautiful children...Here's to another 25 years..I love you honey...

a day in the life

I haven't posted since last week, and i know it usually is the day by day musings of life people read. I have spent the past week totally wrapped up in my husband, and just didn't have time to think about life in the day to day. We have really been putting a lot of time into our relationship.

He winks and says you can be a great mother, and still be my wife, and my lover...How can you resist a man that talks like that. He talked me into getting into the back of the van, and we kissed madly before heading home to the reality of a screaming baby and quarreling children.

There are times when the need to reconnect and recharge our batteries has to take precedence over everything else. I need my husband, and it tickles me no end that the man is still absolutely crazy about me. He thinks i am beautiful, smart and sexy with the empahsis on the sexy part. Then I realized that, it's supposed to be that way ...and that's way after almost 25 years of marriage, and knowing each other for 29???years, we still sneak off to kiss in cars all by ourselves.

fireproof

Ben and I finally got a chance to watch the movie Fireproof this weekend. We both really enjoyed it. I thought it was a sweet and thoughtful movie. I had heard so much about it being a moving force, and the saver of marriages.

I read a scathing review about it today questioning everything about the movie. A feminists dream and full of propoganda.

My take was much simpler, I saw a couple who didn't deal with God on any level, "good people" living a modern life. They didn't even deal with each other. They had empty lives, and an empty home. The husbands 40 day commitment to love his wife no matter what, touched my heart. Sometimes, it just takes 1 person to act or live, or love heroically to make a difference in a marriage.

What would you do for your marriage? Isn't this movie just a reminder that we are called to die to self, and love heroically. It is so easy to blame the other person, and to find their faults when perhaps we need to look in the mirror and confront our own.

I am trying to let my husband know I love and appreciate his sacrifices for our family. I want our marriage to continue to grow and be even stronger 24 years from now than it is today.

Benjamin

I looked at my husband yesterday, and saw something that surprised me. I am so used to seeing him, I look at him everyday. This time he looked, just like the day before. An attractive man, more gray in his hair now,than a year ago. Not as thin as he used to be, well trimmed goatee. Then, I saw something more, I saw someone looking back at me, someone I hadn't noticed in awhile. The boy I fell in love with 28 years ago. The same eyes, the same mischievous smile, the same devil-may-care attitude.

I felt my heart soften. Why don't I see him more often? I have laughed, loved, and fought with this man all of my adult life. I need to remember to see him. Really see him. The man who adores me, thinks I am still sexy and beautiful even when I don't. Swears he likes curves on a woman, which is a very smart thing to say to a very sassy wife, that has been pregnant 11 times, and is still carrying 15lbs of babyfat from the birth of Miss Alexandra.

I fell in love with you when I was 14. I have never loved anyone but you, and I never will. I am proud to be your wife, and the mother of all these crazy I mean sweet children. I will try to be the sweet June Cleaver kind of wife once in a while, instead of the sassy brat .

Remember that sappy song from the 80's "Glory of Love" you owe me dinner,and a dance. I owe you an apology as usual.