slipping

It is always fun to write a post that is funny, crazy, or just plain weird...

We often have weird things going on here, it just can't be helped. This week though everything is sad and tinged with grief and sorrow...

We went in one day from the joy and anticipation of a new child to the chilling realisation that dream was over..

Dr. Nanda and her staff treated us with dignity and respect, and as we discussed all our options I went with what I believed to be her best suggestion. i had some problems with hemorraging, and i remain week and exhausted. I have bruise all over my arms and legs. I am starting to supect surgical nuses beat you up, when you are out...way out

We are celebrating the life of our baby with a memorial Mass of the Angels on Wed. June 2.we have given her the name Madeleine April Marie...

And while my body and spirit try to heal, i am struck by the gifts in my life. Nicole who is taking care of everybody, Ashley who is doing dishes and singing...the boys well, being boys, and my dear Lola tucking me in for a nap, and kissing me all over to make me better..

Luke Gabriel Tucker

This is always a rough week for me, as we approach the 8th anniversary of Lukes' death, I know my grief is still raw, and at times very fresh.

Yesterday, Kyle and Timmi came over, and they wanted to take me to the little store with them, and buy me a treat. The conversation turned to Lukes anniversary, and Kyle in tears handed me a letter he had written to his baby brother.

I thought my heart would break all over again, as I read my sons love letter to the baby brother that died too soon. His love, and the sense of loss he still feels was so hard to bear. He talked about the things he was unable to do with his baby brother, and the only time he was able to hold him.

There is a knot in my stomach that won't go away. I know Kyle is a very sensitive and loving young man, but it helps knowing that others still remember and love my baby boy...

In loving memory of our sweet baby boy : Eternal rest grant unto him oh lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him...Luke Gabriel Tucker born and died April 9, 2002.

seasons

In the busyness of my everyday life, it is in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning that I spend time in prayer. I will confess to often saying Lord don't let me overreact to that child. You know the one, the one that adores me, and pushes my buttons all at the same time.

I have had so many scriptures come to mind lately, and I am grateful to have memorized them as a child they are such a comfort in times of pain and grief. It is almost April again, the month that comes back every year right on schedule, the month I dread.

It has been almost 7 years since Lukes' death, and birth. 7 years since the initial shock and horror of learning my baby had died. The induction of labor and delivery , holding his tiny lifeless body. Trying to memorize everything about him. His blonde hair and blue eyes, and very long fingers.

Trying to hide in my heart how much I love this little boy that I never held in life. I have keepsakes and pictures from the hospital, and 2 shelves in grandmas' desk full of things people gave me after his death. Books and blankets, statues and flowers from the cemetary.

I have been trying to decide if it is time to make a memento box and put Lukes' things away. Will it make it any easier not to look at or dust these things all the time, I just don't know. I don't even know if I am ready.

It is so hard to face the loss, face the day, remember the mind-numbing pain of the funeral, and then the birth of our dear friends daughter the very next day. Every year I put on a smile and go to her birthday party ,but it is still like salt in an open wound. Last year I went to her kindergarten graduation, and screamed and sobbed hysterically all the way home. Sometimes the intensity of my pain is shocking. I feel like it is my little secret. No one really thinks it about it anymore. It's like he only exists in my mind, and in my grief.

Maybe I am not ready this year, maybe it will be next year. I keep running Romans 8:38 through my head~ For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come shall be able to seperate us from the love of God our Father.

I just know the knot in my stomach catches me offguard, and in my head I am ticking off the days. Dear Lord, be with me, help me through the weariness I feel with 3 sick little ones, and heal my heart. I am blessed to be a mother I am blessed to be Lukes' mother, and I know someday, I'll hold him in heaven. Help me to find the joy at this difficult time for me, help me not to feel so alone in my loss.