alone

Today is the first time since the death of the baby i have been alone...I am alone in the house, alone in my thoughts, alone in my body...

I have been afraid to think too much, or even talk to anyone about anything that matters. My thoughts are so jumbled up, and while i walk around pretednding to function , everthing is just underneath, and i am hiding from everyone and myself.

Ben says i feel distant, i am, he says i am too quiet, its true...when everything is whirling and swirling you have to be careful to open your mouth, you don't know when the raw painful truth of it all will come spewing out...

I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to answer any questions...I dread going to church...questions, sympathy, criticism...

Pain is one of those things that can only be hidden for so long...it just doesn't go away, even if you look great...you must be recovering quickly..oh only 10 weeks...you will be yourself in notime...
no time, no time at all..no time to grieve...no time to mourn...how do you mother...do you hide the pain or show it...grief has an odd way of sorting things out...alone...no time...