beside myself once again

I have heard this expression my entire life, and until today, never gave it a second thought. Beside myself, what do we mean when we are beside ourself, do we even mean the same thing? Sometimes it is a good thing, sometimes, bad, sometimes it is shear exasperation, today i was standing in front of my mirror surveying all the damage done to my bedroom by 2 toddlers while i had received a succession of 4 phone calls.

Now these were not long drawn out chatty phone calls, and i was only on the phone a few minutes, but in the time it took me to walk to the desk, and write down the appts., transfer the laundry, and put the puppies out, they pulled the comforter off my bed, trashed my closet, every single shoe is on the floor, play in the sorted laundry on the floor, and the piece de resistance, my potty training daughter took off her clothes, did her business on my bedroom floor, brought me the roll of toliet paper and said "nasty"

Today, she stuck her tooth brush in the toliet, and screamed when i threw it in the trash, she can get into any child proof cabinet i have and brought me the tooth paste, and rubbed it on my foot. There is nothing in this house she can't climb, the key to the antique washing machine is gone, and i have no idea, who what or when took it....

It finally occurred to me i am beside myself...beside myself, confuddled, bewildered, take your pick they all apply. The revolving door of sick children, a 2 week bout of pneumonia, a house that looks like i have been down for 2 weeks, The laundry runneth over, and i am almost out of laundry soap.

Like all families, things seem to go in cycles illness, financial stress, my dears just announced that basketball shoe money is due wed., and for the first time ever, all my older ones need team shoes. That is 3 pairs x80.00 each. The new time person at work paid him holiday pay, and he reported it, so they have been taking it out of his check for the last 2 weeks. We also had our nest egg, an emergency fund Ben had set aside in case things got desperate disappear,2500.00 for some people is not a lot of money, but for us , it was a little bit of security.

Our car insurance has doubled due to 2 teenage drivers with fender benders, and we went to take some money out to go to dinner with Kyle, Timmi, and her parents, to discuss the weddding next June, and it was all gone.....

I asked God today, where are you in all this confusion, are you still beside me? are you walking this walk with me? as i try to sort through all this craziness, and make sense, if at all possible of what my life is, i know very few things for certain, i feel as if i am surrounded by chaos, confusion, smoke, mirrors, i am not sure what is real, and what isn't, what counts, and what doesn't....but yet again, as i literally cleaned the nasty mess Alexandra left for me, and tried to put some sense of order back into my home, i already knew the answer, God was with me, and a great cloud of witnesses was cheering me on. If they can live their faith under such extreme conditions, i don't fail in living out mine with the challenges of my life...

Maybe tomorrow, i will get things in order, maybe tomorrow, i will think more clearly, maybe tomorrow i will make a dent in the laundry, today, we are going outside in the sunshine to play, i think we need some praytime/playtime.