25th anniversary

On April 14, 1984, Ben and i were married in the Pioneer Chapel in Hayward Ca. I really can't believe we have been married this long. Ben wanted to take me away for a nice rest, but i can't leave Alexandra, and Christian gets nervous after a day away from me. His plan b was to take the babies and go to Branson for a few days. I really wanted to wait until we could go away for a few days alone.

We didn't do anything grand or exciting, but we have had a lovely week. Tiffiany took the babies to Bobbies', tuesday morning, and Ben took me out for a nice quiet lunch alone....it was so nice. We ate and talked, then we walked around downtown and held hands. Later, that evening, all the children went over to Andrew and Tiffianys' for dinner and a movie. We had a romantic candlelite dinner, ate off our china, used his grandma's linens, and our crystal and had some champagne. The house was so quiet...We really enjoyed just spending time alone together.

Wednesday evening the children had a party for us with a few friends over. They served pink lemonade punch, and hors-d'oeuvres. Tiffiany baked a beautiful 4 layer cake with pink and white roses on it and pink and silver ribbons. Our wedding was pink and white, so they decorated in those colors. The children all pitched in and bought us a beautiful pair of silver candlesticks , at an antique store. The girls polished them until they gleamed. They sent me to me room while they cleaned and decorated. Nicole dressed up the babies, and when they let us out of our room, everything was so lovely. The boys hung white light and pink japanese lanterns in the yard. I was very proud of them for planning and taking care of everything.

Ben decided to take Thursday off, and took me out to breakfast, and then to Home Depot to buy more flowers for the front yard as my last ones froze to death when the blizzard came in. We have had a very mellow, low-key kind of anniversary, at least as mellow as it gets around here...I still can't quite believe we have been married 25 years. Ben and I looked at our wedding pictures, he said you really haven't changed, and i just look older..a lot older than you. I attribute it to great genetics and clean living. If someone would have told me 25 years ago i would have 9 children and a 1 year old at this time i would have thought they were nuts, but i wouldn't change a thing. I think the babies, while making me very tired, keep me young, and i am glad that the baby stage isn't just something in our past, and who knows what the future holds, the Dr. said I was still plenty young to have more babies, and they had first time moms older than i am...isn't that a strange thought.

I am glad I married him, I am still glad we married young, I just couldn't imagine my life without him, and all our beautiful children...Here's to another 25 years..I love you honey...

one sock short of a load

Today started out like any other Monday, I fed the babies, sat and drank coffee with my husband and talked before making the bed, straightening up the kitchen and starting that first load of laundry.



I received a frantic call from Connor, that one of his rained out ball-games was rescheduled for today, and he didn't have his uniform, cleats, or ball-glove at school. I knew exactly where his base-ball pants were, i was soaking them in oxy-clean to try and remove the red oklahoma clay and grass stains. I found his shirt, his underarmour, his glove his cleats, but in the sock department, i could only find one black baseball sock. I know in the grand scheme of things, it is probably not a big deal, but Connor is very particular about his clothes, and his uniform especially. After tearing the laundry apart,dumping every other hamper in the house, and crawling on his floor to look under the bed, i realize, there are more than i pair of long black base-ball socks in this house, and i decide to borrow Nicoles'...only to discover hers are at school in her bag with her uniform...I called the school secretary to see if the missing black socks were on Connors' feet, and I discovered, they were, and the game had been cancelled.



I also received a call from the Seminole Vets' office this morning, this is odd because i have never done business with them. It was Kyle, he was stranded outside the office with a blow-out,and needed help. I tracked down Andrew, who of course had no money, so he came here to get money and go rescue his brother. In the meantime, Ben is asking me 20 questions, where is the spare, why isn't he just putting that on? It turns out Kyle had a flat last week, and put the spare on, and hadn't got a new tire. The boys went to several tire places, and couldn't find one in their price range, so they called home..I got Ben to call some other places, locate a reasonable tire, and send the boys in that direction. Meanwhile, Chritian couldn't find Batman & Robber, and dumped all the toys out looking for them,then Alexandra who has figured out the babyproof locks grabbed a bag of powdered sugar and dumped it...I put her in the high-chair, and walked into the laundry room to get the broom and dust pan while Christian left alone for 2 seconds decides to run through the pile of powdered sugar, it is now scattered powdered sugar, all over my cabints, and the floors of 2 rooms.

Ben came in the house while I was on the floor wiping up the sugar residue, and asked what is going on in this house, it looks like a bomb has gone off in here, i said it has and the bomb was named Christian Joseph and Alexandra Rose...

We have been on a roll lately, Thurs. evening I was dressed for church, the girls were dressed, I had all the little boys shirts ironed and ready to go on their little bodies as soon as dinner was over, and Alexandras' dress on my bed, a terrible wind storm and wild fires came in. There was a fire east and west of us, and another north of us. The winds were gusting at 65mph and Ben had 2 seperate cars blow into his lane, and then the wind almost put him in the bar-ditch. He felt it was unsafe to drive the 25miles to church in these conditions as the road to Konawa is much worse and windier than the road he was on earlier.

Friday night i was dressed the girls were dressed, all the little ones clothes were ready,dinner was ready to go on the table, and no Ben...i called his cell phone, but couldn't get him. At 7:00, i finally reached him. He was still at work, 1 guy had left early for a funeral and didn't come back, 2 others were late for their shift, and as the supervisor he couldn't leave until everything was covered. We got up from the dinner table at 7:50, 20 minutes after services had already started. We had done 3 seperate bible stories throughout the day Friday, a family rosary, and so that night we read the Stations of the Cross.

Sat. Evening I thought Ben and I would go to the vigil service and leave th children home as Mass starts so late, and is quite long. I put supper in the crock pot, and set about doing some last minute cleaning, decorating for Easter. At 3:00 the boys went out to play, Jonathan immediately gets hit in the head with a baseball and falls to the ground. He just laid there. When i reached him he was crying, but said he was dizzy. I helped him in stuck ice on his head, and watched him. He kept complaing, so I called Ben home, and we went to the ER...After observing him for a few hours with no serious changes, they decided he had a concussion. We got home, ate supper, and had Dr.s orders to keep a close watch on him, and wake him every 2 hours....

Sun. morning, I wished Ben a Happy Easter before he left for work, and reminded him to give Andrew gas money to put in the van after they switched vehicles, so i could make it to church...We got up, we ate breakfast, everyone got dressed for church, we decided not to wear our new Easter dresses, because it was 40 degrees windy and raining..We loaded everyone into the van hooked up the babies, i turned on the van to find 0 gas, it was completely empty...i called Ben, he forgot to give Andrew any money for gas. The store in town is closed on Sunday, and the nearest gas station was now 17 miles away, I was afraid to risk running out of gas with a van full of children in the rain on these terrible, curvy roads. We unloaded the children, and i sat down and cried. I was so frustrated..We did the Easter readings, and prayed a family Rosary and thats' when i discovered 2 beads short of a decade. My favorite Rosary broke quite a while ago, so i got out the needle nose pliers and fixed it, no big deal, and every time i said a Rosary with Ashley she would say Mom your'e off, i always attributed this to praying, and then saying sit down, be still, take that rosary off your head, stop choking your brother, etc. i do get a little distracted at times... so after Ashley said I was off again, i counted my beads 8 instead of 10, and i never noticed ....so not only am i one sock short of a load, i am 2 beads short of a decade.

i

acceptance/Resurrection

The obituary was very short and simple, the main content was really all his family members, and I recall how sad it was to read Luke Gabriel Tucker 4/9/02 born and died at a local hospital.

I received a beautiful card and flowers from the pharmacy i used all the time, one woman wrote of the witness to having a funeral mass and burial for our son when so many people in our time consider babies disposable...At the time I didn't think of Lukes' life as being a witness of Gods' love,but that is how i see it now. When you are picking out things for your nursery you never imagine picking out a casket or flowers to cover a tiny coffin. The funeral home



charged us nothing, and the flower shop did the same. A local childrens store called and let me pick out an outfit and blanket, they also included a tiny stuffed bear.

Gods' love surrounded our family, from the large group of family and church members that stayed in the hospital or at my bedside through the whole ghastly ordeal. The people who rushed back when i began hemorraging late that night and spent the time of my surgery in prayer.

So many people came and held my son, but for years I carried in my heart he was alone, it was a terrible burden on my soul. Out of the blue, at a womens conference a found a childrens' book called "Angel in the Waters" by Regina Doman, It is a babies journey before birth with his guardian angel. And then, I knew, my son was never alone, his angel had been with him all
along

God has used so many little things to lead me to acceptance and healing. Even this blog. My heart broke into so many little pieces, that day, and that is how God has healed my heart, one , tiny broken piece at a time. It has taken years, but by Gods' grace, I will get there.

It seems appropriate that this year in the midst of Holy week observances, I am thinking about my little son. Today, Holy Thursday, is the anniversary of his death and birth,and on 4/12 while we celebrate christs' resurrection and the emptiness of the tomb, i will pause to remember the burial of my own son, and how our dear friends dug his tiny grave by hand, and after the rains started my dear friend Carol warned me that their might be water in the grave...she was afraid the sound of the casket hitting the water would send me over the edge, then her dear husband said there will be no water in that grave, not if i have to suck it out with a straw, and there wasn't....

I don't know if Jerry had to resort to a straw, but the picture of him out there on Bald Hill with a straw made me laugh when little else could.

I hope all have a Holy and Blessed Easter Season. I am counting my blessings today, as I thank God for all the good he has done in my life, I am also thanking him for allowing me to see the witness of my sons short life.

voca-the call

I have been thinking about my vocation as a wife and mother. A few years ago, I was involved in every aspect of church activities. I was an officer in the Altar Society from 1995-2003; I taught sunday school from 1995-2003; I either taught or ran the kitchen at every vacation bible school from 1995-2008, usually with 1 other parent,and a nun. I also worked every funeral dinner for years.

After Lukes' death my health was in a very precarious state, the following pregnancy was extremely high risk, and i spent 7 weeks in the hospital. It took a very long time for me to recover from the ordeal, I planned church events, and dinners from my hospital bed, and faxed lists to people. In the fall of 2003, when they were lining up teachers for the classes,I was once again receiving a lot of pressure to teach, and do my best for the church.

Fr. Matthew called me over to the rectory, I thought oh no, what have I done now. In his own plain-spoken, inimitable way he explained that God had called me to be a wife and mother, and that call had to come first. He pointed out that none of the women that were so eager to put me in charge of things had 7 young children. He flat out forbid me from teaching, holding an office or volunteering for anything without his approval. He explained when my health was in jeopardy how many volunteered to look after my childen or feed my family, who would look after them if i died....

Fr. Matthew said the church has been here for 2000 years, and when my family was raised there would stillbe plenty of work for me to do. Ihave made my focus, my home and family. We do not attend sunday school, put I do give religous instruction to my children using the Baltimore Catechism, the saints of the day, and of course holy scripture. i feel they are receiving a very solid education.

I have tried to live up to Gods' call on my life, and last year, I realised, my ministry is right here in my home, not only to my children, but to all the teenagers that have come through my door in need of an adult to listen to them and give them a hug and a hot meal. Many children call me Mom, not only the ones I have given birth to. Maybe that is what God intended all along...I have never turned one of them away from my table or my home ,I just listen and love them.

Thank you Fr. Matthew for caring enough about me to point out my true vocation to me...Thank you for giving so much of yourself to the church all these years, I have been honored to know you , and I am so greatful to you for the 60 years you have served God and his Church so faithfully.

Last June after 10 years at our parish Fr. Matthew returned to the monastery, he was the very young age of 86, and Fr. Adrian became our new parish priest. At the meeting in August to plan the new religous education program,I attended and offered my opinions, several people nominated me to teach again, I politely declined, after everyone left Fr. Adrian said you are extremely qualified to teach, why aren't you sharing this gift with the church? I explained my reasons, and Fr. Matthews talk with me..he said Fr. Matthew is a very wise and holy priest....

Last month Fr. Matthew celebrated his 87th birthdy, and 60th jubilee as a priest. The Archbishop of okc, and Bishop of Tulsa concelebrated the Mass in his honor. This humble man from Lawton, Oklahoma has touched many lives...My 2 youngest sons each carrry one of his names. He has asked all the children what is God calling you to do? And so I ask what has God called you to do? Are you listening? I hope I am!!!!

this 'n that

Yesterday was Kyles' fiancee Timmis' 18th birthday. I baked cupcakes for the children in honor of her birthday. We sang to her and then ate a lot of really yummy cupcakes. She is a very sweet young woman, and they are planning to marry at Sacred Heart in June 2010.

I think she and Kyle will be very happy together, they are committed to each other, and i hope it will work out for them.

Last night was the schools annual donkey basketball game, i bought tickets for the children, but Ben andI didn't feel like going, so after supper they all loaded up Andrew drove the van, and everyone went to the game, even the babies. I took a 30 minute bubble bath by myself, with no one yelling outside the door, or sitting in the bathroom talking to me, or throwing toys in my bath water for me to play with, it was lovely.

I fell asleep for a while, and then when Ben got out of the shower, we talked, and watched a little t.v. IT was the best 30.00$ I had spent in a long time. We really enjoyed the quiet.

Speaking of quiet, Ben went to the grocery store, and to pick up my meds. I was in so much pain today, he took both the little ones with him. I am under strict orders not to work while they are gone. I took a long hot shower, and I am going to peek outside and see if the wind is blowing. The sun is shining, but it was only 27 degrees this morning , and I am not convinced it has warmed up enough for me.

Yesterday, I went on the 50's Housewife blog to read what she had, and I decided to take the decorating style quiz she had from the Happy at Home blog. It was really accurate, I am a yummy mummy. That is too funny to me.

I have so much to do, I should be finishing my spring cleaning, and figuring out how i am going to manage everything this week, and all the Masses involved with Holy Week , but i am going to listen to my husband, and relax for a little while

time

I really struggle to find the time to post everyday, even several times a week..I am always busy with the 2 little ones. I just don't understand how people find the time to post 3 or 4 times a day. And what the heck is twitter, i have no desire to twitter or tweet or even read them.

I do most my blogging with a baby in my lap or attached to my breast, no caps, no puncuation, i am not evven sure i can spell anymore.

I probably spend too much time sending slightly saucy e-mails to my husband,but that is so much fun,and taking time to flirt with my husband has great benefits.

Time just seems to go by so fast, i found a pair of sandals when i was cleaning out closets. these little blue sandals fit Alexandra perfectly, and she loves to wear them. It doesn't seem possible that they were Andrews' shoes, and he wore them over 20 years ago. Time, it just gets away from you, it really does.

bones or gods' love

As the days inch closer to the 7th anniversary, of lukes' death i am struck by the impact this baby boy had on me. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in my very bones, in everything that i am, i feel the loss, the death of my child, my son.

I suppose there are people that wonder how i can go on grieving a child i didn't know, and it is so obvious to me. The gaps in my family tree are the result of the loss of a child. 3 losses total, usually with another baby following close behind. It is really apparent with the large gap between Jonathan and Sean that someone is missing.

It is an example to me of Gods' unfathomable love for us. If I in my sinful state can love a baby beyond life, or death, if i feel his very loss in my bones, how much more does God in his infinite goodness, love us.

I have reached the place past shock, past numbness to acceptance. I am even grateful for the children that I will only hold in heaven...Christopher, Maria, and of course Luke, I have often pictured my Grandmother and my Papaw rocking, singing, and holding my babies, the idea has given me comfort of the years.

I am assured someday of a joyful reunion, when i hold my babies, and can rock, and sing to my little ones, because i have been promised there are no tears in heaven...store up your riches in heaven, for your heart will always be where your riches are.