the good, the bad, the indifferent

I have a little confession to make, it should come as little surprise to anyone,but after not feeling well since the 24th, and running a fever since the 29th, i am getting a bit short-tempered. It is frustrating knowing i have so much to do, and no energy to do it.

My stupid, awful stuff decided to be really bad today. I had trouble just sitting up earlier, so i went back to bed. My body hurt so bad today that holding Christian and Alexandra was excruciatingly painful. I hate to think about my stuff, or dwell on it, i just try not to over-do, cope and go on.

Today was just a bad day. I called my rheumatologists office today, and they also want me to see a urologist. It seems there call be all sorts of complications from the fibromyalgia and sjogrens syndrome. Just peachy...

Ben thought i should go on-line and read some forums on how to cope with these things, and talk to other people that live with what i have. I was feeling stubborn and resistant. It didn't help matters that sitting up this morning was so painful, and i couldn't stand sitting at the computer. He went on-line bookmarked the forum he wanted me to look at, pulled up the page and said please read it..

I did read it, but i didn't like it. I don't know that it makes any sense at all, but i have no desire to go on this forum, join the forum, write to people and ask them about symptoms and so on...

The truth is when i started looking, and read about something called interstitial cystitis, irritable bladder syndrome, and somthing else that causes bleeding from the bladder and urethra, i became terribly upset. It made me cry. Granny says it is always harder to deal with things when you are ill, and honestly i am having enough trouble coping with my pain and things, i don't want to read a whole forum of it.

I enjoy reading Blogs of other Moms, and seeing how they live, what their days are like, it is a little escape for me. I like recipes, and decorating, and reading the everyday, the mundane. I enjoy the companionship i receive from these long distance sisters, and for now that will be enough.

In the next few weeks, I will have a round of appointments with 3 Dr.s isn't that enough reality...Ben doesn't understand...He says face it head on, attitude is everything, you have to fight. I think I have to face it in my own way, and like God has been reminding me, I need to just be still...

I am feeling a little better this evening, Alexandra got in bed with me, and nursed to sleep. It shocks me how big my baby is getting, I went to sleep with her, and we both napped for quite a while. I guess we both needed it.